Hello people of Mumsnet,
Just seeking some advice/camaraderie over this issue. It's got past where it can be a "phase" now and something else must be going on but I am searching my behaviour and can't find what I am doing to perpetuate it.
My daughter, who is now 29 months old, has consistently rejected me/ignored me in favour of her mum since she was about 15/16 months old. To the point where she starts screaming and crying if I to try to bathe her (I used to share bath-times 50/50 with mum), and even won't let me read her a book or hold her or pick her up and touch her. If her Mum isn't around she lets me do things for her (once she has calmed down from standing at the door screaming "Mummy"). But really because I'm the only person there and she needs someone to feed her / read to her / watch a cartoon with her.
In the morning when she gets into bed with us she makes sure to sit with her back to me and talk to Mummy and shout NO and wriggle and struggle if I try to talk to her/hold her. When I get home from work she sits on the sofa with Mum and ignores me, and looks past me at the TV if I try to say hello and she crawls into Mummy's lap, kind of like for protection.
I work full time. I leave the house at 7:45 each morning (by which time we've all been awake for about an hour and a half - in the good times this was when I'd be able to spend time with daughter) and I get home at about 6:30pm when she is about to have her bath (which we used to share 50/50).
There's no doubt that Mummy has done more of the hands on caring. She has worked 2.5 days a week. But when around I have always done a lot - nappies, food, bathing, dressing, doing fun stuff together, loads of book reading. Yes, I am second best in terms of the caring no doubt, but it seems for my daughterI don't rank anywhere in her top 50 favourite people.
I'm not a strict Dad. I do put her right over things to help her understand right from wrong, like not hitting, not being rude, helping Mummy where she can, just the real basics. But I don't scream and shout at her and there's certainly never been any kind of physical discipline. My partner and I both sit and explain things with eye contact and calm words. We do it the same way as each other. I can't see how she could possibly have cause to be afraid of me.
I even had 9 months (when she was 12 to 19 months old) where I went down to a 4 day week and was sole carer for her on the day I was off, in an attempt to make a strong bond. It seemed to help a little bit I couldn't keep it up, it just wasn't financially viable long term.
The situation is definitely worse during the week when I see very little of her because of work. Over the weekend things tend to get a little bit better and then we are back to square one on Monday morning.
Are there some parent/child relationships that just never work? Could it be that I did something that I did that traumatised her and there's no going back? Do I just need to accept my lot and get on with it? Should I just sit back and marvel at the strong bond between mum and daughter and try to make earning money enough for me?
I've seen a few people talking about this on internet forums and the advice seems to be two things; "It's a phase", and "Do more father/daughter things together 1 on 1". I no longer believe the first one, it's been too long, and we have been doing the second one since forever. It doesn't make a difference.
Thanks for listening! If anyone has any thoughts, appreciate it,
G
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Behaviour/development
Toddler daughter - no love for Dad
8 replies
Gareth3000 · 21/09/2017 09:41
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