Is sharing always right?

[laura6032]

At a out door play day with my ds, 3.10 years, I had a change of thinking about sharing.

We have went to play groups since he was really young, and I've always encouraged sharing. Give the boy/girl the toy, share!! And 8/10 times he has without major problem.

Today he was playing in the mud kitchen, making tea with a tea pot, having great fun, an older girl comes along asks for he Tea pot, my ds says no, I say share, he says but I'm not finished playing yet mummy, and upset hands it over. And ends up wanting it back.

Would it have been so bad to say OK to my ds OK, and say to the girl, he's not finished playing yet, you can get the a shot in a wee bit?? "

[purpleme12]

In that situation I would say my little girl is playing with it you can have a turn in a bit and of she's still playing with it after a while and the other child is still waiting for it I'd tell her to let her have a turn

[laura6032]

Glad someone agrees, lol x

[Rainatnight]

It's really funny, I had the same thought in a sandpit a few days ago. A little girl tried to take a little boy's bucket. The little boy didn't want to give it and his mum told him to 'share'.

I had a thought that we wouldn't like it very much if someone just came up to us when we were using, say, our laptop, took it off us and we got told to share!

So I think there's definitely something about balance/limits.

[robotsmania]

Yes that's right- it's actually rude of the other person marching up to them and demanding the toy straight away without waiting until they've finished!

I think it's fair to say, you can have it when X has finished playing with it.

[Goldmandra]

You're right.

It isn't reasonable to expect children to hand things over on demand.

I would expect a child to share a sandpit but not one toy from that sand pit.

It's reasonable to expect children to take turns with toys and to allow friends visiting their own houses to play with any toys that are out.

It is reasonable to allow children to put away new/favourite/fragile toys they don't want to share.

Children can play deeply with one object for quite some time and it isn't reasonable to disrupt that sort of play because another child wants a turn unless the toy in question is a great deal more exciting than others available.

We need to think about what social rules and skills we are trying to teach our children. Negotiating a length of time after which they will hand over a toy is really effective, especially if a timer is on hand.

[MrsOverTheRoad]

I've never made my children hand over toys which they're playing with. Equally I don't make them let strange kids in the park have a go on their scooters or bikes.

One child kept following my DD around after her scooter...some people might say I was mean but DD didn't know the child and wanted to ride it herself.

The child's Mother just watched. In her shoes I'd have told my DD to come away and leave the child alone!

[laura6032]

I agree, I wouldn't with a child in the park that I don't know, and same id move my child if it was annoying another

[flipflopson5thavenue]

I heard a friend recently say to her DS and mine, when one of them picked up a much-coveted toy at a play date recently, "are you going to take turns with it or play together?" Not quite the same situation, but I thought that was a really good way of thinking about it. Not sure if that helps...

[penstemon]

If there are multiple items, I made the DC share; if there was an easy way to expand the play to include the other child I made the DC share; if they were playing with one item, they got a bit longer & then it was someone else's turn - the same as we would do with the swing or something in the park. Counting down used to help mine know their session was coming to an end (and gave me something to do whilst the other parent glared at me for not immediately surrendering the item to their DC).

[hilbobaggins]

I think this is a really good insight. The insistence on repeatedly telling kids to "share" was one of the reasons I stopped taking my DS to playgroups when he was little. It was all so ridiculous and I started to feel that it was more to do with parents worrying about other parents opinion of them than about the kids. Kids get very involved in what they're doing and it's important that they have the time to focus on what they're doing without having toys taken away from them because "it's nice to share". And quite honestly I think it's expecting way too much of little kids. I don't often feel like sharing things i care about with total strangers; why do we expect our kids to do so?

[laura6032]

That's a really good point, I stopped taking him a particular group when he was very little because I felt I was always saying share, share, share!!! But it was the parents reactions than the kids I felt uncomfortable with x