Shy 3 year old

[ColdTeddy]

DS loves other children but is still learning how to socialise with them. He started at the local preschool in January and seems to be well liked but I've noticed he's really shy. For example, we see some of the other preschool children in the park at the weekends and ds is desperate to play with them but is too shy to go up and say hello. So he goes and hides in the bushes and makes squeaking noises and then gets upset that no one has noticed him . Today he wanted to play with another child who he knows well so we agreed we would go up and say hi to her and her mum together. I said hi and chatted to them, ds did not. They played near each other for a bit but the little girl kept trying to talk to ds and ds was just growling back at her, so she started to get upset about it and didn't want to play with him anymore.

He gets very upset by it. The other children all wave at him and say hi/bye when they see him, but he can never quite work up the courage to wave back, then he bursts into tears after they've gone because he didn't wave!

We already do play dates and I try my best to be sociable and chatty with the other children and their parents. I don't push him to do anything he's really uncomfortable with. Is there anything else I can do?

[sowhatusernameisnttaken]

Watching with interest

[MrsOverTheRoad]

Just don't make much fuss about it or put any pressure on him. Build his confidence with lots of encouragement when he does well at something...if you're out and see someone, don't discuss strategt...just model the correct response.

"Oh look, there's Anna...hi Anna!" and wave. If you're approached or want to approach, just do it...if DS doesn't talk or hides, ignore it and leave him to find his own way.

My older DD was like this but she's fine now at 12. Lots of friends and quiet but confident and happy. She's never liked being in loud environments but enjoys time with a small group.

[ColdTeddy]

Thank you for your reply Mrs.

Up until now we've been leaving him to hide or run away, but he won't go over by himself and then gets frustrated because the other children aren't playing with him (it's because you're hiding in the bushes, ds), and he ends up throwing a tantrum. If I say, 'shall we go over to say hello?' then he'll happily go over with me and try to join in, he just won't talk, which the other children find weird.

I have thought about going over to say hi on my own but I don't actually know the other parents.

[Imaginosity]

It's a good sign that the other children seem positive about him. How does he behave in preschool - what does the teacher say?

I agree that you shouldn't make any issue about this to him. I was very shy as a child and my dad made such a fuss and put big pressure on me to socialise. It made me think negatively about myself -and my shyness was a source of shame. I think the best thing you can to is to help his self esteem by focusing on what he does well and praising him for that. I wouldn't pressurise him to walk over and say hello.

You could role interactions at home to give him confidence. You could pretend to be a child and get him to say 'hello, do you want to play with me?' etc.

[Imaginosity]

Also, just to add - I eventually grew out of my shyness but I think if there hadn't been so much of a focus on it I would have grown out of it sooner.

[ColdTeddy]

I didn't pressurise him! I just said 'shall we go over to say hello?' and he did, so we walked over together. When we got closer to them he ran over to where the little girl was playing and joined in quite happily. It would've been fine if it wasn't for the growling .

The role play is a good idea, I will definitely do that.

I haven't spoken to the preschool recently about how he's getting on, I will have to ask them this week.

[MrsOverTheRoad]

How's his language development going?

[ColdTeddy]

No problems there. He's bilingual and picking up both languages well.