Please help I'm at breaking point with my daughters behaviour.

[PinotAndPlaydough]

I'm currently sat in soft play hell attempting not to cry.
My 3.5 year old daughter has just had another huge tantrum during which she hit, kicked and screamed at me. She had this tantrum because she had to go on time out for biting her sister.

This behaviour is happening daily now and I don't know how to cope with it any more. Whenever she does this I respond in the same way, the behaviour is ignored until she stops the tantrum (if she hits or kicks I move her away from me) once she stops she is put on time out and then if she has been violent she also looses something (e.g. a toy, TV time, a treat). I then talk to her about why I won't accept that behaviour, how it makes me feel and she has to say sorry.

It's not working, she doesn't care, as soon as time out is mentioned the behaviour escalates. The only consistent trigger I can see is that she's not getting her own way, she's not tired, hungry or thirsty. I've spoken to preschool and they say she's never behaved like that there.

It can't go on like this, I literally feel like the whole of soft play just stopped and stared at my pathetic attempts to control my daughter, in the end I had to take her into a corner and physically restrainer her (ironically I'm trained in this because I worked in a special needs school for children with behaviour problems ).

I feel like I'm failing, I'm an early years teacher who can't manage her own child. Please someone tell me what to do.

[MrsOverTheRoad]

Is it possible the soft play is too much for her senses? 3 is still very little too...how's her language development?

[Kleinzeit]

Funny isn't it how much harder it is when it's our own kids? Some suggestions....

Insisting on a time out and then a punishment might not be working so well. It sounds as if your DD is associating time out with being in disgrace and being punished, so when you say "time out" she kicks off. Time out at softplay should just be a period to calm down so she can say sorry and carry on playing. If you want to use a consquence then take the girls straight home and don't mess with time out unless you need it to calm her down first. You can set out the rules clearly before you leave home: any hitting biting or kicking (etc) at softplay and it's hometime.

Do you know what provoked the bite? A big sister may be bossy and over-controlling and a little sister may be very annoying, even on purpose. Could you help her resolve the conflict with her sister that led to the bite?

Can you also dial down the warnings and punishments and dial up the rewards and praise? It depends on what the triggers are, because it's a good idea to praise and reward her for doing the things that avoid the conflicts or the triggers, or just for taking a little step in the right direction such as using some words to express a conflict with her sister (even if she quickly gets frustrated and bites!)

If she's generally resistant to instructions then try using countdowns to get her to do things - the little time delay can help avoid an instinctive "no", and you can tell her well done for doing it before you got zero. Count-to-three (or count-to-10) and consequence worked well for my DS because it meant I was very clear about what he should do, and what the consequence of not doing it would be, and the countdown gave him enough time to decide to do it. You can also use WHEN-THENs to get her to do things - WHEN we get in the car THEN we can put the story on". And as far as possible let her think she is getting her own way, give her little choices of two things that both work for you "Home now or in five minutes?"

Good luck. And do bear in mind that softplay is the pits for managing behaviour

[PinotAndPlaydough]

Her language is very good, in fact I would say above average for her age, she's able to articulate herself very well. We go to soft play fairly often as both girls are so active and we don't have a garden but maybe it is a bit much for her.
I actually didn't even ask why she had bitten . We do use count downs sometimes although they seem to make her cross too.

I know I need to dial up the praise more, she responds to it well I just forget during day to day life. The when then idea sounds good and we will give that a try.
Thank you for the advice

[MrsOverTheRoad]

Is her sister younger? I would also start having a special one on one time with DD...away from her sister...you can also do it with her sister of course. With my two girls I found a bit of jealousy did creep in at this age and feeling special helped.

[PinotAndPlaydough]

Her sister is older and at school, we get every afternoon together as I pick her up from preschool at 12. I think I'll try and plans some special things during that time as it is usually spent just hanging around at home.

[MrsOverTheRoad]

Even something special at home will suffice if you "sell" it as special.

Call it something...

"We're going to have special you and me time today!"

And do some cake baking or crafts.

[lolalotta]

I read this in an Elizabeth Pantley parenting book I think where she advices if the child is having a melt down bring them in for a cuddle, make soothing noises, calm them down as best you can and THEN discuss why whatever happened isn't appropriate. It works a treat for my 3 year old and brings her out of a melt down soooooooo quickly. They can't take anything in board when they are so upset apparently and are unable to see reason so it all escalates. I can't imagine it works in all situations for all children but might be worth a try! Good luck!

[thatverynightinmaxsroom]

I think you need an entirely different strategy.

It sounds like you're disconnecting from her quite a bit - ignoring her, time outs and taking away toys etc - that's a lot of negativity for a little person.

So I agree re special one on one time, look up love bombing and also time ins as an alternative to time outs.

Empathise with her - she's only 3, her brain isn't sufficiently developed to regulate her emotions. Of course if she's hitting you then you need to move away but when my DD of the same age does this I just say in a very calm voice "I won't let you hurt me, I'm here when you're ready for a cuddle." Well, I try to anyway - I know that when I stay calm and supportive her anger just melts away, but if I get cross too then everything escalates.

I think 3 is a really hard age but I find with my DD that when there's a strong connection between us her behaviour is so much better. Have a look at Janet Lansbury and A Ha Parenting, both really good resources for this age.

Also Siblings Without Rivalry is brilliant for sibling struggles (of which we also have many!)

[InDubiousBattle]

Both my ds (3.5) and my dd (almost 2) can have some absolute hum-dinger tantrums. Dd started about 6 months ago, ds is started to come out the other side but still has them, just less often. I think perhaps ignoring the tantrum, then a time out, then removing a toy/tv etc is a bit too much. I ignore tantrums when I can't head them off at the pass. When I say ignore I mean I say 'I can't talk to you whilst you're tantrumming ds' very calmly and let them get on with it, I've found that once they are tantrumming there's very little I can do- they just have to ride it out. Tantrums can never work in our house, so when dd tantrums because she want to be carried rather than go in the buggy or walk we never give in and carry her.

I've recently started using a star chart with ds. We did try it 9 months ago and it didn't work but decided to give it another go. It's been really helpful in rewarding good behaviour in that it reminds me to mark it with a star. Previously ds would get 4 or 5 stars a day as I would only reward really good behaviour whereas now he often gets 20+ stars as we reward lots- "that was lovely tidying up ds! Have a star", "you ate your breakfast beautifully" etc. It has helped me focus on the positives.