Feel like toddler prefers mil

[Aria2015]

My lo is 20 mo. My mil cares for him 3 days a week. When he's at home or anywhere else with me he's a real mummy's boys. Always wants to be on my knee, have cuddles from me, cries if I walk out of sight etc... But when my mil is around he replaces me with her - so only wants to be with her, cries for her etc... he'll even cry if I go to pick him up and he'll say he wants her!

I find it really hard. I can see she loves it (who wouldn't I suppose). I know she really spoils him and lavishes him with attention so that's probably why he's so fond of her but I still struggle with feeling pushed out and even a bit embarrassed that he appears to favour her over me.

I know I should be grateful he has such a good relationship with her and I am - the more people who love him and he loves the better. It's just I just adore him so much and it makes me feel sad to be dropped like a hot potato when she's around.

I suppose I just want reassurance that despite his behaviour, I am special to him. Anyone else in the same boat? Or feel the same way?

[rackhampearl]

My two are the same with my MIL they are 5 & 2... I don't worry about it as like yourself they are very loving to me when she's not around and then drop me like a hot potato when she is. I adore my kids but I just let them be, it's the way they feel naturally. Maybe it's the novelty as she's not around all the time or that she spoils them and isn't as authoritative? I don't mind as long as I know they love me too.

[Aria2015]

Rockhampearl thanks for the reply. Makes me feel better that someone else is in my shoes! I will try not to let it get to me, I do wonder if one of the reasons I find it hard is that my mil is not overly warm towards me and so I struggle to see what lo sees in her lol! Although really I know it's because she shows him a lot of love and warmth (it's in there just not given to me!).

[Poseyrose11]

I have exactly the same with my little boy. My MIL has him one day a week while I work. It is hurtful he doesn't even give me a glance as I go off to work but I try to think that it's a nice thing that someone else loves him as much as I do and he feels so secure with her. He is really fond of my mum too and I don't find that nearly so upsetting, I think it's because of the way MIL acts, like you say clearly enjoying it and makes me feel inferior somehow. Deep down though I know he loves me no matter who is around, and if he is hurt or tired he always wants his mummy over everyone else.

[Aria2015]

Poseyrose11 - thanks for the reply. Sorry to hear you're in the same boat, it's tough isn't it? Lo is fond of my mum too but we barely see her because she lives away so he's definitely not the same with her.

When mil looks after him while I work it's fine - out of sight, out of mind sort of thing but we do so much with my in-laws like spend all major holidays, birthdays etc... with them. On those occasions I just feel so down because it's meant to be family time only my family (lo) has abandoned me in favour of mil!

[Mrstumbletap]

My DS adores my MIL. He says quite happily that she is his favourite. But I quite like it, she won't be around forever, and it is proven that strong relationships with grandparents is very beneficial for children. While they are little I think let them dote all they want and enjoy ah I go close relationship with another female role model in the fa,ily.

If she loves him, treats him well, it will build some lovely memories for them and you. Also it's quite handy as DH and I are now are planning a little mini break next year and MIL will look after DS, can you look forward to things like that? Try and see the positives, you have a woman that loves/adores your DS and will help you raise him.

No matter how close their relationship it will never compare you how close your relationship will be with him. When he is a 17 year old teenager, he will want his mum.

[Aria2015]

Mrstumbletap thanks for the reply. I know it's lovely for him to be so close close to his grandmother, it's just I do struggle. I'll hold my hands right up and say I can be jealous (it's the Scorpio in in me!).

Her and fil would jump at the chance to have him if dh and I went away but I would struggle to leave lo at the moment. I haven't been a night apart from him yet. I'm going to test the waters later in the year and have a weekend with a girlfriend while dh looks after him and if that goes ok maybe dh and could go for a weekend ourselves. I do miss doing stuff like that!

[Mrstumbletap]

Yeah exactly, so many people dont have family support so couldn't even consider a weekend night away with their DH

She will never replace you, and remember what they say about 'it takes a village'

I'm reading the 'raising boys' book and it says about how important other males are in your sons life whether that be uncles, grandfathers or just your male friends as it gives children positive role models to shape their personality.

It must be true for all other role models too, and grandparents I can imagine are good if you have them and they are loving, (not all are from my experience on mumsnet)