Do I inform the mum that her DS has been swearing at DS?

[cakedup]

DS (11) (year 6) has not been getting on very well with his 'best' friend lately. They normally spend a lot of time over the weekend skyping each other whilst playing computer games.

Today (strike), they were on skype and fell out over what game to play. His 'friend' told him "fuck you" and sent a load of abusive messages, including "I don't care about you even if you end up in hospital" "no-one likes you" and other mean messages. All DS wrote back was some sad face/crying emojis. DS and I agreed to block him from Skype.

I have met his mum a few times, when I have taken this boy on days out with DS. She's very nice and I think would want to know, and possibly punish her DS.

So do I tell her? Send her a quick text to say they've fallen out, and that she might want to have a look at the messages he has been sending? Can she even do that now that I've blocked him (because I can't see the messages anymore).

Or will it just make things worse? Possibly open up to him lying about DS saying stuff (he has form for lying and has been punished about it before).

Or now that I've blocked him do I just leave it at that? Only a couple of weeks of school and they won't be going to the same secondary school.

[FaFoutis]

I would want to know.

[ParadiseCity]

If my child was doing this, I would want to know, but tbh I suspect telling his mum will just make things worse. I'd leave it for a couple of days at least before deciding what to do. Possibly tell the school so they can do a reminder about online safety stuff.

[hug] for you as this sort of thing is awful for the parent as well as the child.

[FaFoutis]

I would use it as a chance to talk to him about the way people behave online and how to handle that.

[ChicRock]

I'd want to know, although I'd be monitoring an 11y/o using Skype and checking their messages anyway.

I'd send a message along the lines of "Hi X, just to let you know I've had to block your DS from my DS's Skype, I'm not particularly happy with the swearing and the abusive messages he's sent to DS. What a shame, as they used to be such good friends. Hope things can remain civil between them for the last few weeks of school. Best wishes, Cakedup".

[braxit]

I'd want to know I'd be gutted if you diddnt tell me

[cakedup]

Thank you ParadiseCity. It is upsetting and has just got me wondering, is this the kind of thing that starts happening regularly now that he is getting to secondary school age?

We did have another chat FaFoutis although DS is very up to date on internet safety stuff. We have an open policy where I check his messages daily and he is happy about that (although I'm not sure how much longer that will last for - again I'm worried for secondary school). One good thing is that is DS is very dyslexic so often gets me to write his messages for him! It's been a good learning experience because sometimes I'll point out how what he wants to say might be read differently or misunderstood.

That's a good text ChicRock, thank you.

[ParadiseCity]

Its hard isn't it. My 11yo knows I can check his messages, history etc... tbh I rarely do as whenever I have done, they have been fine, and I have felt like I am prying on really funny/childish moments. eg I found a MASH thing, promptly googled in case it stood for some sort of suicide pact and all it is is one of those 'who are you going to marry' counting things.

[trafalgargal]

Id just let the other Mum know you've had to block her son due to inappropriate language and leave it there. If she's tech savvy she'll go have a look .....if she isn't then her son will probably lie anyway.

As there is no having to deal with this child long term I'd probably leave it there.

[AnnaMarlowe]

I'd want to know.

I wouldn't text though. I'd give her a quick an frame it as giving her a 'heads up' on why you had to block him.

I'd find RockChic's text a wee bit aggressive, it's not the Mum's fault after all.

[cosytoaster]

I was in exactly the same situation at the same age with DS (other than it wasn't his best friend). After a bit of dithering about I left it.

[missybct]

I'd want to know if DSS did this, so would his Dad and I imagine his Mum too. It's perfectly normal for friends to fall out, but to send messages like that really isn't cool and the other boy's Mum may not have such a open policy as you and your DS - therefore, may not see it - the other boy may be doing stuff like this regularly.

I'd send a brief text - how do you get on with the Mum in question? I'd say "DS and DS friend fell out this morning. I felt it best to block DS Friend temporarily as there was some pretty offensive language used which was upsetting DS, but hopefully they will patch it up. Not sure if you can look at his Skype, but if you've got any questions just give me a shout"

I think the above probably gives the Mum a heads up without saying "HOW DARE YOUR SON" etc etc, and also gives her the opportunity to have a chat with you if her DS gives another reason for it happening (for whatever reason).

[missybct]

Sorry, meant to say - if you don't get on with the Mum or don't really know how she'd gauge you, I wouldn't bother either. If you're on good terms and can at least think she'd want to know, go for it.

[cakedup]

Thanks for your helpful responses.

Yes, I'd want to know as well. However, as selfish as this sounds, this boy's behaviour is not my responsibility and I definitely don't want to risk making matters worse.

I really don't know the mum all that well. I spent a morning with her and the boys, other than that a few hello and how are yous.

I know she is really grateful that I've treated her son to some lovely days out so would imagine she'd be mortified to know he was behaving like this. However, you never know how people react in situations like this, do you. I know this is a bit off topic, but I did think it odd that her son was one of few who was recently invited to DS' birthday day out and they didn't get him a present or card. Really don't mind at all and DS didn't even notice (or didn't mention it anyway) but I just thought it was odd...in all of 11 years I don't think anyone has turned up to DS' birthday without a card/present. Sooo...linking it back to this topic, I guess I can't really make assumptions on how I think she'd react.

Aww ParadiseCity - so did you find out who your DS is going to marry?! remember the days when our DS only wanted to marry us .

[AnnaMarlowe]

missy that's a good message.