Spitting 4 year old

[bootytoots]

DS has turned into a complete arse over the last few weeks/months. He used to be fairly okay but recently he laughs when being told off and spits at everything.
He keeps running off when it is dangerous and refusing to hold my hand when walking somewhere.
He hits and bites me sometimes too.
I was sat watching a video and he was in the front room just now (watching cartoons) and once again I could hear him spitting. There seems to be no reason but his disrespectful, rude and downright dangerous at times behaviour is getting to the point where I really wonder if I am parenting right at all. When I was a kid I would have been smacked for any of this behaviour. I chose not to smack because I am scared I'll be accused of abuse. He already shouts angrily when things don't go his way and it feels like he does that more when he has been shouted at recently so I don't want him to copy smacking either.
He's been calling myself and my partner fat and I caught him being very abusive to the cat by locking her in her cat carrier and rolling it around with her in it. I stopped him immediately and made him sit in on his bed with the door shut so he couldn't just get up and leave.
I really am done with his behaviour right now so please can anyone help me? Apparently he's really well behaved at nursery so it must be something I am doing.

[DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen]

Sounds like he know the right buttons to push to get a reaction and it's working! Try not to associate him sitting with disrespect etc, he's doing it for a reaction. Try and ignore it or distract him.

[DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen]

You say he's shouted at, it sounds like he's copying behaviour. You can be firm without raising your voice.

[bootytoots]

Honestly the only time he has been shouted at was when he has bitten and run off but even when that happened it was followed by him shouting at us for things like him not getting his own way. He's very quick to copy people which is why I want to avoid smacking but ignoring him was what I was doing in the first place and I got told I was spoiling him by doing that and I get undermined. Surely I can't just ignore him spitting at things and sometimes people though? I also have to make sure I raise my voice when he wriggles from my hand and runs off because he is very quick to run in the road. It's terrifying and I was going to put him on a kiddie harness thing but I feel like he's old enough to know better.

[DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen]

He doesn't know better PLEASE don't leave the house without a strap or back pack thing. There's a mumsnetter who lost her child as he ran into the road. It will also mean you don't have to shout at all as you know he safe.

Who has he spat at and what were the circumstances?

[bootytoots]

I'm glad you said to get one because people have said it would be like treating him like a dog but when he does run I'm the only one who runs after him so I feel like I need a harness. Not too long ago he ran out of a shop and I had three adults who were with me (and related to me and DS) blocking my way (stood together in the doorway), he ran straight onto the road in front of a car who luckily stopped. I screamed even though I had my way blocked by these three people and not one of these relatives even reached out to grab him even though he was within arms length (road was fairly close to shop entrance). I feel like everyone is happy to say he's become so naughty but acts like I am a bad mum for taking the necessary steps for counteracting it. A "leash" or a harness would be better than him running in front of a car or getting hurt some other way. He really likes to run so we can't see him too which is just as terrifying.

He spits on the floor in the house, he has spat at the cat, myself, my partner, on the floor in public, a friends car who was parked in our driveway and many more... as for the circumstances, it's just constant. It's not like he's annoyed and retaliating for something, he's just spitting any chance he gets. I think he has learnt to do it somewhere along the line and decided he likes it so will continue and it's probably that he gets attention when he does it because he is constantly being told how disgusting it is. Not just by me but by anyone who sees him doing it.

[DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen]

Why are you listening to what other people think? So what if people think it's like a dog lead? They clearly have never had a bolter!

Is he due to start school in September?

[bootytoots]

I don't know other than trying to see if their ideas work because my methods are clearly failing right now.

He is yes.

[DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen]

It might well be that he's really ready for school,iirc ds was hard work just before school started. He used to spit too!

[LAmusic]

If he can't hold hands like a big boy, he must use a strap/reins. Also can you create a naughty corner?

[CalmItKermitt]

Water pistol for the spitting? Not a Super Soaker - just a little one 😄

[bootytoots]

We don't have a lot of space for a naughty corner but we usually put him on a stool in the hallway so there are no distractions. We had builders in today so couldn't do that as he would have seen their tools and buggered off with them. He's now jumping on my sofa again. I get he must be bored but it's not like he hasn't been to the park today (and every other day he's at nursery and on the weekends we are usually out somewhere fun for him).

Water pistol would work on the cat but sadly he thinks water fights are fun.
I'm very annoyed with him right now and trying not to have a temper tantrum myself because he doesn't listen at all. He just does as he pleases and it's always something that could break things/hurt himself/hurt someone else/is generally quite disgusting.
I just told asked him calmly to go to his room for jumping on the sofa, instead he went back into the front room and jumped on the sofa again so I walked in, picked him up and put him in his room. He's now crying and saying he's sorry but he says that every single time and goes straight in there and almost breaks the sofa. Not to mention the people downstairs must want to throttle him with all the banging and noise it makes.

[DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen]

Can you offer him an alternative rather than just a 'no?'

[bootytoots]

I'm not sure what would be as attractive as jumping on the sofa tbh. I did give him a snack at first to distract him and that didn't work. I've explained to him why jumping on the sofa is bad and he already has experience of jumping so hard on the sofa that he flipped over and hurt his back and head on the side table.
I also want him to make some effort in tidying his room but he just tells me he won't.

[DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen]

He's 4,he can pick up toys with you supervising but I think you're expecting a lot if you think he'll be able to do anything else

By offering an alternative to jumping on the sofa I mean calling him to 'help' you in the kitchen, try and get him involved in something else. Anything to try and ditch the negative talk and concentrate on the positive.