DS (6) appears to be bulling DD (8)

[AutumnHaze]

It seems to be on a very cunning level. I have only just pieced it together.

1. DS tell DD his playdate will beat her up, is overheard and told his friend will not be allowed to come then, so he says he will not tell his friend to do that, the friend is allowed to come and everyone plays peacefully. A few days later, DS's friend hits and pinches DD at school.
   
2. Misbehaving in the car is not allowed and they know they will get let out to walk (has not had to happen yet). While am out of car to open back doors when pulled up at home, DS spits in DD's face.
   DD says she is a little bit afraid of DS, will not retaliate as it will escalate, just takes it.
   How do I deal with DS and how do I get DD to stand up to him?
   TIA

[AutumnHaze]

I should add: They have not had the father bullies mother template at home for over three years now. If DS is spitting, he is angry, right? What could he be angry about?

[DingleberryFinn]

What's DS's friend's home-life like? The threats and violence seem to be linked to the friend... I can see why your DD would be afraid if it's essentially 2 vs 1 at school.

[AutumnHaze]

DS is currently know it all, done it all, seen it all and better than everyone else, which I thought was a pretty normal phase. But now, with the spitting, and especially waiting until there is no logical consequence (he cannot be left to walk home if already pulled up at home) is canny and awful. What is the best way to deal with this?

[AutumnHaze]

The friend has only been here once (and never again...). I think it is more DS's charachter and sense of entitlement from his father, coupled with DD's corresponding lack of self esteem. But never at the level of spitting.

[DingleberryFinn]

Well, re-frame "canny and awful" as he's obviously bright enough to figure out ways round things. They say you need to love them most when they deserve it least. Do you spend much time with him one on one? Playing up for attention/thinks you favour your DD?

[AutumnHaze]

Yes he's bright and his work arounds are pretty cool. Awful I meant for DD. You have a really good point though. Giving him more one on one time worked for the last bad phase two years ago and it could be I haven't been splitting time as fairly as I should. Thank you!

[BarbarianMum]

Having to get out and walk if they mis-behave in the car is pretty illogical and any punishment that punishes both perpetrator and victim is wide open to abuse (as your ds has found out).

So punish him for spitting, tell your dd to complain to the teacher if someone hurts her at school (it is the other boy's respomsibility no matter what your ds may have told him to do) and make it clear both children can come and tell you if there is a problem. Looks like your ds is trying for the positionof 'top dog' at the moment, not a big deal just make it clear he isn't.