Struggling with 2yo DS... feeling broken hearted...

[gillybeandramaqueen]

Hi - just looking for your comments, views, experiences on this.

My DS is 2.5... we also have DS age 4 months. DS1 just seems to hate me sometimes at the moment - most notably when he hurts himself, is upset or unwell. For example, this morning he hurt his finger on one of the doors in the house - he was crying and really distressed but he didn't want me anywhere near him and when I tried to cuddle him and comfort him it seemed to make him worse - instead he was wanting granny and daddy (both at work).

A lot of the time I just try to deal with it, saying to myself that he is only 2 and i try not to take it too much to heart. But sometimes it really hurts as I am obviously not a robot.

He has also started saying that my friend and partner's cousin is his 'Mummy' and that I am not his Mummy.

My mum and partner know about this and they tell him that they will cuddle me - and then he changes his tune and wants to cuddle me. But that's what it takes otherwise he doesn't want to cuddle me.

My mum has a theory that I have not been a rewarding companion to him for a very long time as I had a bad pregnancy with his little brother and we were housebound for a lot of the time last year - not getting out and about much to have fun.

It's not a one off either - it feels like he has been like this for quite a long time now. I am starting to stress about our bond and connection with one another and want to understand what is provoking this reaction in my boy so that I can deal with it better and not let it hurt me so much.

Has anyone else had this experience with their toddler? What happened? And was there siblings / other family members who influenced the situation?

Thanks so much for taking the time to read this... xxx

[KERALA1]

Ugggh hated this stage. Dd1 did this when she was 2 for about a year. She would hit me and look at me with real dislike. Was upsetting. My sisters eldest did the same. We were both sahms, my childcare professional Aunt said it was because they felt so secure with us they could let everything out. This helped abit. Like most phases it passed - dd1 now a delightful 7 year old we have a fab relationship. Dd2 never did it. Hang on in there try not to let it get to you xx

[KERALA1]

Sorry but that rewarding companion thing is bolleaux

[PalcumTowder]

Sounds like he is getting a lot of attention by behaving like this (I don't mean that as a criticism - my own 2.5 year old is similar which is why I was looking through the behaviour board!) - he sees you react emotionally, he has others trying to placate him and you, it all seems like quite a big deal. I would try to be light and breezy and ignore as best you can. "You don't want to hug mummy? Oh dear, well I'll be over here if you change your mind" sort of thing.

I do agree that they save their worst and most hurtful/manipulative behaviour for the person they feel most secure with. I don't think it suggests anything negative about your bond.

Good luck, I truly sympathise. I also would recommend some one on one time just with your two and no baby once a week, it helped with us. (2.5year old and 11 month old here)

[dabchick88]

Following this thread with interest. My DS is 2yr2months and similarly non verbal and the head butting is so hard to watch! Complete melt downs a regular occurrence particularly with me - not so much DH. Expecting no2 in a few months and really hoping it doesn't just make him worse. Hard enough dealing with a kicking screaming toddler when pregnant!

[gillybeandramaqueen]

Thanks so much to you all for responding...

KERALA1 - why do you think the 'rewarding companion' thing is bollox...? Curious to know others' points of views on this...

TalcumTowder - I am usually really good at just lightly brushing it off and saying 'oh well etc'... it's just because it's starting to feel quite prolonged now that I am finding it hard to deal with and don't know how to continue to deal with it but I think I am gonna stick with what you suggest about not making a big deal out of it...

dabchick88 - I know your pain! I really struggled when I was pregnant with my DS1 - first of all with the months of initial vomiting and then the last six weeks when I could hardly walk because my DS2 was so heavy and I had so much water. I can honestly tell you that having my toddler and my newborn was somewhat easier than the aforementioned although the tantrums are hard to deal with when I am on my own with the two of them... good luck!!

I hope some others will post on this thread too.....

[KERALA1]

Because he's 2! How much does a 2 year old expect from a parent outside loving attention, a few games, cuddles? I did stacks with mine as did my sister. It's a stage honestly don't beat yourself up over it. It's hurtful though

[Mummycamel]

Hi I just want to say please don't panic. You are describing what sounds like to me typical 2 year old behaviour. I had two years between my 3 children so I know how torn you can feel with a toddler and a baby. I constantly felt the guilt- is it me, is it because I've been preoccupied with pregnancy and a young baby. My youngest is now two and has my undivided attention during the school day, going out doing lovely activities I could never manage with my older two as i always had a baby to deal with...But she is going through similar behaviours- screams and sobs for daddy when he leaves for work, when she falls over she's starting asking for her older sister or daddy because they're not there. She shouts at me 'no kiss!' If I dare kiss her and wipes if off. (Quite amusing!)
I truly think it's part of their development, adjusting to their independence and not knowing how to control emotions. You just need to be a constant, loving and unflappable support which is what you are doing already. I found age two by far the most difficult age with my older two and it's interesting to realise that it wasn't to do with what activities I did/didn't do with them it was purely their age. By three they were confident to go to nursery, make friends and run up for a big hug when i collected them.
I used I worry I didn't do interesting activities with my ds, he basically played in our house or went to the playground the whole time he was two because I was at around breastfeeding a baby. He's now a well balanced fun loving four year old. Personally I've not found time one-to-one with each child particularly important at this ag, it was more useful to get bonded as a unit with the new sibling- telling them the baby needs big brother and mummy together to help etc
I totally agree that as a stay at home mum you're taken for granted and can be lashed out at. As they get older you explain this isn't acceptable and they learn appropriate behaviour, unfortunately you have to slog it out through the terrible two's!
Does he have enough sleep? I know over tiredness can account for a lot. Mine all stopped napping age two and I then forced them back into a nap routine as they were showing signs of over tiredness and still needed that rest, a well rested two year is a different being from an over tired little monster!
Both my older two had explosive tantrums and I feel for you dabchick as I remember being in tears when pregnant wondering how my my beautiful baby had turned into a scramming toddler and wondering how I would cope with the new baby. But you do cope and I found the best thing to do is take it slooow, don't go mad going out to groups and play dates, just do what You find relaxing and they will pick up on your mood. Also I found a bedtime routine crucial, hard work but worth it.
Good luck and just remember you are their whole world, it's not your relationship having problems just their toddler behaviour.

[gillybeandramaqueen]

Thank you SO much Mummycamel... that was such a lovely post and has made me feel heaps better and more reassured. I do try to tell myself these exact same things to keep myself going but as you know it's not always that easy and you do indeed find yourself challenging yourself and everything!

It's really good to hear about your experience as a parent of 3 with 2 years apart... and it's good to hear that it's really hopeful that it won't remain tarnished like this forever.

It's funny because when my second boy came into the world I was really worried that my number 1 would feel put out, excluded, replaced etc etc and would begin to feel resentful at the attention the new baby, his brother, would be getting... but if anything, it's our baby that gets the least of all attention as we are so busy entertaining, placating, reasoning, firefighting his big brother!!

Thanks so much also for highlighting the importance of nurturing the family unit as a whole... this is really great and a lovely way to think of it... xx