Scared for the future!

[bumblebeerat]

Ok so this may sound a bit ott but I don't know what to do. I have 3 children dd10 ds8 and ds5.

My middle son is really worrying me he can be really sweet, he loves animals and is generally very quiet and not much of a mixer but there is another side to him that really scares me. He has the worst temper I've ever seen in anyone and I don't know what to do. He goes from being done to flying off the rails over something as little as leaving his tie at school. Even stupid little things like today when he had to walk across the road in the rain to get to a car park. He just goes absolutely crazy and I don't mean just a little tantrum I mean proper violent towards his siblings and grabbing at me. It's like he's not even there as there is no talking to him he's just in his own world screaming and shouting. When he gets like it I take his toys away and explain when he's calmed down that this is not how we act ect. Which usually results in him going nuts again threatening that if I don't give his things back he will smash things or kill his siblings. I don't even know where he gets these ideas from. I've tried to get help but as he behaves at school (usually walks out and goes nuts on the way home if he's had a bad day) they say it's just me and I don't know what to do. As I said the rest of the time he's lovely and helpful ect. The only other problem we have is he still wets himself even in the day we are trying to get help with it but the doctors don't seem to listen and keep sending us to night wetting specialists who then send us back to the Dr as that's not what they deal with.

I really don't know what to do about it. I feel as though I've failed him as a parent and it'd horrible. I'm also scared as he gets bigger I'm not going to be able to cope with these rages. I really don't know what to do.

[YeOldeTrout]

So he never lashes out at school?
What support are you getting elsewhere?

when he recovers from a meltdown, does he suddenly switch over like a lightbulb, or is it a slow change over?

[bumblebeerat]

He had been in trouble for taking things to far when playing but most of the time they say he's really quiet. He only really talks if he's interested in something like last term when they where learning about volcanoes he joined in alot.

When he comes round it's like nothings happened in his eyes if you ask why he was like it he just says I don't know. He tends to act really frustrated during an episode and tends to take his shoes coat and if in school uniform his tie off. He used to throw his shoes but since I've stopped reacting and he lost one of his favorite trainers he's stopped doing it.

I just feel like such a useless mum. I haven't had much help as I'm bit really one to ask I've spoken to the Dr's and school but haven't really got anywhere. The school nurses are going to have a meeting with me in the new year mainly about the wetting so hopefully I will get somewhere then. Family aren't much help and just say things like he needs a smack ect and do just doesn't want him labeled and when he's about will argue with him that really doesn't help. I just feel so alone on this one.

[Luna9]

There is definitely and underlying cause/ issue with his nervous system development and the fact that he still wets himself is proof of this; have you tried any alternative treatments? e.g. cranial ostheopathy?

[bumblebeerat]

Nervous system never heard anyone say that before I'm going to sound really stupid but what does that mean. I've just been told it's attention seeking/middle child syndrome ect. When he was 5 I did get sent to a rather embarrassing potty training group where everyone else's children where about 3. They are paying more attention now that his brother is completely potty trained.

[kelda]

Just wanted vto say, you are not a useless mum, you are doing an incredible job in very difficult circumstances. I also have a son who gets very aggressive, and there is a physical cause because it started at the same time epilepsy started. No one can tell us exactly what the problem is.

You need to persevere. Find someone who is objective who will listen to you and help fight your corner and get him the help he needs.

[ffffffedup]

I have a friend who's son is similar is fine at school but can be violent at home. I don't know if this makes a difference but he has been diagnosed with autism, he's clever but really struggles socially. He can get quite anxious but instead of having a melt down wherever he is this anxiety builds up and he he has major meltdowns at home or with family as that's where he feels safest unfortunately his Mum usually takes the brunt of it. Could your ds be suffering with anxiety that builds up and builds up resulting in these outbursts? I'd take him to the GP they may be able to refer him for some sort of counselling where they can help him deal with his feelings and give him the tools to help calm himself down or vent his feelings in other ways. Make sure school are involved too just because he's ok in class they shouldn't fob you off. It could be that during the day he needs a quiet place he can go or someone he can go to if something is bothering him rather than it all building up for him during the day.

[Youarentkiddingme]

You are not a bad parent - you're here asking for support and that makes you a good parent. Also you have 2 children, only 1 has an anger issue so clearly it's more about his neurological development rather than your parenting.

Have you looked at alternative strategies? There's a fab book called 'aThe explosive child' which may be helpful. Also look into sensory processing - it may be your DS has extra sensitive or under sensitive to certain stimuli. There are many things you can do to help him with this. The wetting during day is what made me think maybe he doesn't recognise a full bladder etc?

[bumblebeerat]

Thanks everyone I have three children the other two have their moments but no where near in the same way he does they can be talked round or distracted when they get angry. He does have a hatred for loud noises but then again so do I someone shaking their keys hurts my ears so know how he feels on that one. He also has a hatred for socks he constantly gers really upset saying they have a feeling but won't explain what. He knows he has to wear them but it's a struggle to get ones he likes.

Their was a school councillor at one point who said he could be on the spectrum but she left and my partner won't have any of it as "he's not having his son labelled" we do have a chart where we sit down and you fill in a circle with a face of how your feeling each day but all he ever draws is a half happy half sad face each day and doesn't really explain why. As for the wetting he had a scan but it came back as normal except for him having a second spleen which he thinks is really cool. The school nurses thinks he just needs to realise for himself that it's unacceptable to wet himself either by growing out of it or someone laughing at him at school which seems pretty harsh to me. Plus people have mentioned him smelling and it seems to go straight over his head. He's not embarrassed at all by it.

[Youarentkiddingme]

bumble I hate internet diagnosis but I suggested alternative strategies specifically thinking of those for children with ASD. My DS has ASD and just does not respond to the 'normal' parenting style. But by adjusting how I do things he's better. A diagnosis has only been a positive thing here. It's not a label - it's not tattooed on his head. In fact, my DS can pass for Nt in many situations now until he opens his mouth and starts monologing!. It's because I'm wary of his sensory needs and we schedule in breaks and time outs Etc to prevent him getting overwhelmed.

[bumblebeerat]

That's what I've been trying to tell my dp having a diagnosis can't be as bad as things are now. I just worry as he gets bigger and stronger he's going to get into alot of trouble with these rages. I know at the moment they are usually directed at me but what happens if that changes. It scares the he'll out of me