2 year old and jealousy

[Imnotbeverley]

I have two sons, elder is 2 tomorrow and younger is 3 weeks old. I previously only worked one and a half days a weeks so older DS is used to spending a lot of time with just me. We had a lovely time together, he is a sweet and happy boy that I genuinely enjoy being with.

Now that new DS is here and my DP has been back at work for a week, I am really struggling with how upset and jealous my older DS is. I'm breastfeeding the baby and this seems to be a particularly upsetting time for him, his eyes fill with tears and he shakes (?with anger or upset?). He has started being mean towards the baby- trying to hurt him, although equally he does try to be affectionate too. He pretty much wants nothing to do with me if I am holding the baby but even when I'm not, he just isn't himself.

I was looking at some pictures on my phone of him from the weeks before the new baby arrived and he is honestly like a different child. Not care free and happy anymore, he seems completely traumatised in comparison.

Hormones could easily be adding to my assessment of things, but I'm desperate for him to be happy again. Does anyone have any advice? Or reassurance? I am even thinking about whether I need to stop breastfeeding, I would rather not though- having had a difficult time breastfeeding older DS, I am really enjoying an easy time BFing new baby.

Thanks in advance

[Imnotbeverley]

I should add that older DS is not speaking yet, which I imagine is compounding things as he cannot tell me what he wants

[MaisieDotes]

That sounds tough OP. I don't have the answers as I'm only just about to face this myself- I'm 33 weeks pregnant and have a 16 month old.

Can you get him really distracted when you're feeding- special toy/ iPad/ TV - so he doesn't notice so much?

Then loads of cuddles and mummy time while the baby's asleep?

[MaisieDotes]

I'm bricking it btw 😬

[hartmel]

Been there.. DS was only 13 month old when DD arrived. I could not really bond with DD as he would start screaming Everytime I Bfeed DD.. I was lucky that DH stayed home on prenatal leave for 9 month. So when I was feeding dd, DH tried to play with DS, as soon as DD was finished I handed her over to DH for burping and took DS.
It was so stressful. I ended up with postnatal depression.. Till now DS has episodes of jealousy And DD dances Everytime DH comes home from work. She is our daddy girl.

Oh and DS is now 2.2 years old and he just started talking..
Dd is 1.1 years old and she can talk some words already. She is our fast learner...

Good luck. I can't give you any advice but hang in there... Just try to have some mommy and son time... I sometimes left dd with DH and went shopping with just DS so that he could see that we haven forgotten him.

[Imnotbeverley]

I do generally put on a favourite film for him when I'm feeding the baby, or I get some books and try to read to him whilst I feed. He just doesn't pay attention and gets upset nonetheless.

I try to spend time with him when the baby is asleep but he seems to be so angry and resentful towards me that he just refuses to play or throws things etc

[scandichick]

It sounds really tough, I have a similar age gap with non-talking toddler and three months in it has bedded down. She was never as jealous as you describe, but it was definitely a marked difference before and after which now has disappeared.

Peppa pig was the distraction of choice while breastfeeding here, fortunately it was like toddler crack to DD1...

[Witchend]

Mine were older (3 year gap) but with dd1 I used to ask her to entertain me while I bfed. He favourite was showing me how high she could jump on the (indoor) trampoline. I don't think it was a fluke that the first thing dd2 did when she could crawl was straight over to the trampoline and tried to bounce!
Or I'd read to her, or she'd show me how well she could do something.
And I'd intersperse it with "what a lucky girl you are, dd2, to have such a clever sister" or "wow, dd2 can't even nearly do that yet"

And then things like the baby yelling, and calling to them "dd2, I'll be with you in a minute, but dd1 needs me to finish this with her first".

And things like nappy changing, dd1 had the job of fetching the wipes and handing them to me... And then you can say how you couldn't do it without them.