22 month old - old enough for time out? Help please!

[littlecupcake]

Struggling with my DS, so much so that I asked the health visitor to bone and give us some advice last week. She arrived mid meltdown, he wanted crackers for lunch like Daddy, not the spag bol that he would normally devour. The look on her face said it all really, HV didn't really know what to say. She has suggested time out and sticker charts, but will a 22 month old be old enough for these?

Amongst our difficulties are the following - refusal to sit in highchair so we have transitioned to proper chair at the table with frequent retrieval trips. He won't stay in bed (had to move him out of cot before hl feel out) and he definitely won't nap now unless were in the car. He won't sit in a shopping trolley, and runs off when I call him back, and he manages to climb almost completely out of pushchair so I worry he'll tip it up. I am at the end of my tether and feel housebound with a wild child.

HV said she will have a think and get back to me this week, and we'll arrange for a nursery nurse to come and visit to offer practical support. She recommended the Solihull method of parenting in the meantime. Has anyone tried this? What are your thoughts?

I'm open to all suggestions, I'm desperate! I love him to pieces but I am finding DS's behaviour so challenging. I know it's a phase but this has been going on for a while now and I can't take much more.

[princessvikki]

Has defiantly old enough for time out my dd is 18 months and I have used time out since she was about 1 before that I used to sit her down and firmly say no, so along the same lines really. I always ignore the tantrums and praise the good and give 2 warnings then time out and it seems to work , there's no right or wrong I would say decide on a way to discipline him nd stick to it don't give up or change tactics if you don't get fast results, it's consistantcy that works. Good luck

[Bejeena]

My little one is almost 23 months and there is no way he would understand time out or the naughty corner, so I don't do it with him.

I think you have to chose the things that are important to you and concentrate on that, of course if they see daddy eating something else they want that, so either give them that or make sure daddy/whoever is in question is also eating the same.

We avoid shops as much as possible so don't have that issue but when he wants to get out if pushchair I let him and he can walk holding my hand.

It is a tricky age but patience is the trick I think, we are very firm and consequent with saying no and just learn from our own mistakes. You have to be in control of the situation and he has to realise that.

[littlecupcake]

I think a lot of the problem is frustration, he understands far more than he is able to communicate. So with that in mind time out MAY work. But he is heavy and moving him when he goes limp or is thrashing mid tantrum is impossible. I'll give it a go though. The HV said we're doing it all right, know what the text books say, but I just can't cope any more. Bejeena, we also avoid shops, but on the odd occasion we do go it's hellish.

[Heels99]

It doesn't sound like he would understand the time out and in my experience reward stickers don't work till they are about three.
You have the terrible twos going on and it is very wearing, all the things you mention are very normal. Does he go to nursery? If not then start! Give yourself a break and you will feel better able to deal with it. Things that may help:
-all eat the same this avoids him wanting what someone else has got
-online shop avoid supermarket
-regular quiet times during the day
-make sure is getting enough sleep sounds like could be over tired
-opportunity to run round and exhaust himself e.g in a park or enclosed space where safe to do so.
-if he won't stay in th buggy is he clipped in with a fiveoint harness, they are very difficult to escape. Allow him some time walking on reins of he sits in the buggy nicely

Good luck !

[princessvikki]

I'm a firm beliver in not letting a child stop you doing anything, there's no way I would avoid going to the shop because my child didn't want to. Sometimes I think that can be part of the problem, they have to learn you have thing you need to do and they have to go along weather they like it or not. I don't want to sound like a no it all mum but I was a nursery nurse before havinging my dd so I've dealt with alsorts. For example When you say he won't sit in a trolley what do you mean? If that was me I would get down to my dd's level tell her mummy needs to go to the shop you will be sitting in the trolley. I would put her in and that's that if she wants to scream and kick off tough luck shes in and she's not coming out ..... Reading that back it sounds completely harsh but it will work you just have to be hard and not give a monkeys what other people think , easier said than done I know

[littlecupcake]

Some good tips there Heels, I'm gonna dig out the lighterlife back pack thing that has been cast aside and give it another go on the school run later. think positive

Princess - I can only get him to stay in the trolley if they have straps, but where I shop they don't. they don't have deep trolleys either so anything in arm's reach gets launched out of the trolley If there are no straps he climbs up and balances on the top of the seat and I haven't got the strength or enough arms to get him to sit back in the trolley.

[Racheyg]

Watching with interest cupcake. My ds1 is 23 months and we are having similar issues. He is very clever and understands everything but cannot speak, so I'm hoping that as soon as he can talk his behaviour will improve. Good luck x

[Bejeena]

Sorry I am not sure my wording was understood there, we just generally avoid shops, nothing to do with the toddler not liking them. We only ever buy what we need and that is very little, we just don't like consumerism.

I also wondered about what was also mentioned about either being overtired or not getting enough chance to run about, could either be the case? That makes a difference with us

[trilbydoll]

DD is just two and is beginning to understand bribery - so I will say if she sits nicely in her pushchair in the shop, we will go to the park. I only do a sequence of two events and make sure I keep my promises! It's not ideal parenting I'm sure, but might get you out of the house?

[Littlef00t]

You can buy reigns with clips that you can use for shopping trolleys. No idea about the rest, but that might help?

[GoodGriefCharlieBrown]

Hi can't type much now as I'm pretending to work, but I did the Solihull course - it was invaluable for me. Will post again later about it.

[BatFoxHippo]

If he is climbing all over the place and can't/won't sit still he may need lots of exercise and physical challenges, perhaps more than an average child. Soft play, park, woods, beach, anywhere he can get out and cavort around, climbing over boulders, jumping through waves. Make an assualt course in the garden - cardboard boxes to tunnel through etc. Swimming is tiring too, lots of practice jumping in. Make an indoor tunnel/den out of sofa cushions, blankets. Jumping on the bed if that is allowed at yours. Mini trampoline is a life saver for the winter.

Its hard work doing all this stuff but fresh air and freedom might help him settle a bit more when you need him to.

And give yourself a break from the constant re-seating every so often by having a picnic, on the carpet if needs be!

Mine also would climb out of the trolley etc. Gets easier when they can fetch bits and remind you of their items on the shopping list etc.

[GoodGriefCharlieBrown]

Solihull course when I did it was an 8 week course with around 12 other mums and 3 hv's. Everyone who is there is referred to it because the ask for help so it really helped cut through the crap/one upmanship you might get at other parent groups - we were all struggling so we were all honest from day one. It's based on understanding your child's behaviour but that's a very simplistic description for what it entails, everything from breaking down a difficult situation into small parts and working out what's going on and how a different approach could result in a better outcome, to examining your own and your parents' upbringing to see what aspects you want to keep and what you reject, to role play/brainstorming various situations.
At the end the main thing we all agreed on was that although it's decribed as being about understanding your child it's just as much, if not more, about examining your own behaviour and that for me was the most important bit - my son changed his behaviour because I changed mine - I was the instigator of that change, not him. Sorry if that all sounds a bit arty-farty - it really wasn't but it has continued to have a massive influence on my family's life every day.
The one thing I take from it everyday is to not beat myself up and think I've failed as a parent just because one hour (or day!) has been shit and the tips I got and friends I made there make me so thankful that I took that step and asked for help.

[DIYandEatCake]

I feel your pain, my 18 month old is a little bundle of anger and frustration at the moment. Thankfully I have a 4 year old too so have been there once already and have proof that it's a phase that doesn't last forever! Just a couple of suggestions to add to what everyone else has said -

1. would he sit in a booster seat on the chair? Then you could strap him in. My ds has one of these, but when he wants to get down that's it, meal over for him.
   
2. supermarket - my ds enjoys 'helping' - I let him choose onions etc, put non-breakable stuff in the trolley, pick up non-breakable stuff from the shelves, and I praise him when he helps. We have to keep moving and keep focussed - no dithering or it all goes to pot.

[BoutrosBoutros]

Reading with interest. DS is 21 months and generally quite good but we are starting to hit the terrible twos.

What works ok for us is giving him a choice ie 'do you want to sit in the pushchair or walk? Do you want to sit in the trolley and hold the shopping list or help mummy find the shopping?' That way I can limit his options but he gets choices. And if he misbehaves he gets the other option - although often I just have to threaten it and he bucks up 'do you want to go in the pushchair? No? Walk nicely then please' works quite well. He's also quite behind on speech and gets frustrated I think but the options let him feel a bit more in control. Having said that it's far from perfect and we still get the odd meltdown!!! They're amazing at this age but hard work.