10 yo son having occasional outbursts of extreme behaviour

[BreatheandFlyAway]

I desperately need advice. Background- we are a splitting up family after years of mostly verbal and behavioural abuse from H (sometimes physical) Mainly to me but also to kids at times. Since splitting H has been unabusive with kids and much sbetter with them. He had a wake up call it seems. He is still bitter and ranting and name calling towards me fairly regularly in front of kids.

This obviously explains why son is acting up. I feel for him, I love him but I must deal with these occasional terrible outbursts ( think worst adult swear words aimed repeatedly at me in screams plus throwing things at me). I must resolve this and show him that there are consequences so that he doesn't carry this further on in life. Also I need him to continue to feel loved unconditionally. And also that while behaviour is never acceptable, I understand the turmoil it arose from and sympathise.

That's what I want to do. I feel completely inadequate right now. Could you help me with how to deal with these episodes while being strong, firm, effective but always loving and secure for him ? Advice desperately needed. thank you!

[Wotsup]

Does his school have a counsellor he can talk to?

He has had H as a role model and is confused as to how to speak to you. Tell him you love him to the moon and back but you will not be spoken to like this anymore. That you left his father is a consequence of the lack of respect and now you need him as much as he needs you as mutual respect is the way forward.

He will go through a 'cycle of loss' (look this up on the internet) and you will understand him more.

[BreatheandFlyAway]

Thank you wots for your wise words. They are very helpful. There is a school counsellor - I will email and arrange some regular help ASAP. I knew that but in the fog of momentary despair had forgotten so thanks for reminding me!

Yes he is modelling his treatment of me on what he's learned from his dad. That's a good point. And your suggested words are very helpful I will be using them. Thanks again for quick and helpful response.