3 yo hitting 9 month old

[chocolatemartini]

Since my baby started crawling I think she's been hit or pushed over at least five times a day by my son every single day. I've tried a variety of approaches but I am hopelessly lacking in consistency. I've done time outs twice and regretted them. I've done a woolly huggy, 'that's not kind, I can see you feel angry...' Kind of approach most of the time, but none of the things I do make any difference. I try to keep them apart but she won't tolerate not being in the middle of his games messing everything up for him, and I can't keep her out of reach all the time without making her massively frustrated. Any ideas welcome. They're both at home with me all the time. DS1 is unlikely to go to preschool for another year due to us relocating.

[firstposts]

I had this when my ds1 was nearly 3 and ds2 was 9 months. He used to knock his hands away when he was standing and push / hit. We went with naughty step approach, but confused ourselves with whether or not to issue a warning or put him straight there. Lots of talking about what a gentle kind big brother he was, also reflecting his feelings back eg you feel sad because you think mummy is spending too much time with the baby. It does pass, now ds2 is 16 months he is usually the aggressor! It's a phase, it will pass.

[spaghettisue]

Would she be happy to spend time in a playpen? I know some kids won't tolerate them, but some are quite happy in them

[chocolatemartini]

Thanks, yes I've tried using the cot (which she doesn't sleep in, we all co sleep) as a playpen but it's usually about 30 seconds she'll tolerate being apart from the action. I tried surrounding her with her 'own' toys but she only wants what her brother is playing with. Glad to hear it's a phase... Was put off time outs by this article, but yesterday I did one in total exasperation and we did have a better afternoon after that. Today I headed for my mum's again which is the only real solution I can find at the moment.

[happygelfling]

We've just got to this too. DD is 3.1, DS is 11 months and has just started crawling. He adores his big sister (not reciprocated) and wants to be where she is, preferably climbing up her, the whole time. She is (understandably) irritated by him trying to climb her. I tried telling her what I want her to do when this happens so that she has a coping strategy... It's worked over so far but we're in very early days so I'll be following this thread with interest!

[happygelfling]

I should probably add that the thing I told her I want her to do is shout for mummy or daddy so that we can come to the rescue.

[sunnyfrostyday]

We had a safe place for ds1 (toys on a table, rather than the floor. Other toys in his bedroom). The deal was that any toys or game on the floor were fair game for ds2, and I would not tolerate any pushing.

Would that work?

[chocolatemartini]

Safe place sounds worth a try thanks. She's able to get everything on the coffee table and the play table but maybe he can play on something higher. Did another time out for hitting today, which was successful again, he really doesn't want it to happen twice . I don't feel too guilty though, I need to get the message through somehow.

[LostMySocks]

Try putting DD in the playpen with her special toys. My mum speaks fondly of being safely there with her two younger sisters outside.

[chocolatemartini]

Tried similar lostmysocks a few times with her in the big cotbed with toys in the lounge but she went mental within a minute each time trying to get out. Trouble is she hasn't got any favourite toys, she only wants what her brother is playing with. Thank goodness for weekends and DH being home...

[capecath]

We did go through a difficult sharing toys phase when DS2 was about 1yo and DS1 was about 3yo. It does pass. However I would still say that pushing and hitting is just not acceptable. You should try to be consistent at communicating this at least, I know you are still trying to find something that works... Read article about timeouts. I think what they are really trying to demonstrate is cause and consequence. If you don't leave them too long (minute per year of age) and also explain very simply why they are there followed by them saying sorry and cuddles, they can be very effective. Toddlers do need to learn about consequences and that hurting others is not on. You could try taking the toy away if he pushes? This will obviously upset him, but could be a good consequence - if he hurts, can't play with that toy. Make a point of encouraging him to say sorry to her and give her a cuddle. It is a hard stage, unfortunately, need to spend a lot of time with them watching, playing together with them and encouraging fair play and sharing on both sides. Has panned out well for us - DS1(4) and DS2(2) generally(!) play together fabulously.

[capecath]

Our sharing rules are usually something like, whoever has it first gets first dibs. But if the other still wants to play with it after a little while, they need to give the other a shot and play with something else. Encourage older one that he has to share with his sibling and be patient, that they're still little and learning. It is absolutely not acceptable to push or hit, even if they take or break his toys.