Talk me through the naughty step(12 Posts)
OK today we decided to implement the naughty step with our son (2.5)
He was banging his cup at dinner repeatedly and I said "if you bang your cup you will have to sit in the naughty corner" He kept doing it, I warned him again, he said "ok" so I took him the corner and said sit there.
We then had 30 mins of tantrum/screaming and returning him to the spot. His arse hardly touched the ground before he was up and running. During this time we didn't communicate just wordlessly returned him to the spot. After 30 mins he (kind of) stayed still for 2 mins and then we went and said you were placed here because you kept banging your cup when you were asked not to. Then we had lots of cuddles and kisses and he was fine.
Was this right? I know that we have to follow through but i'm scared to EVER threaten the naughty corner again for fear of losing another 30 mins of my life, sweating, and heaving him back to the spot!
He was so tearful and screamy for the 30 mins I worry that we emotionally scarred him but loads of people use this technique don't they? Dare I ever try again?
Well, it never worked for my eldest! I had much the same experience as you. With my youngest it worked really well.
For my eldest, constant cup banging (or similar) would be addressed by calmly removing it from him and telling him he could have it back if he agreed not to bang it. I'd give it back, he'd bang it, so I'd remove it and that would be that. No more cup. Distraction worked well too. He's 8 now and still pretty defiant, so I have to find sanctions that work for him. He is very different to his brother so I use different sanctions with them both.
That sounds hard. Naughty step isn't something I'd ever use. I ever more towards the approaches taken at ahaparenting. Or toddler calm. If it doesn't sit right with you there are plenty of alternatives.
I dont blame you for being scared to do it again op! Sounds horrible! I dont know much about naughty step but am trying to sleep train my nearly 2 yr old and it is similarly horrible. Ive read lots about the end result though so i know why im doing it. Someone more knowledgeable will post about using the naughty step method.
My dd is younger but i cant imagine doing what you did for banging a cup though. If it happened now id just take cup off dd and say she cant have it back til she behaves. Who knows what i will be doing in another 6 months though
beavington the cup thing is an on going battle. He drinks the water then turns it upside down and bangs it with a glint in his eye. We wearily say "stop banging the cup" he laughs, we shout...repeat every dinner time... He does it to get a rise and it works becuase it's bloody loud and irritating!
Naughty step works for us. But we also call it 'time out'.
The first few times were like this. Hard on both all of us. Now all we need to do is threaten it and count to 3...
We only ever get to 2 though.
Sometimes i wish i had the balls to be a lot firmer. Try not to feel guilty. Every child needs to know where the boundary is. 'No' means 'no' is one of the hardest lessons to implement as a parent, and to learn as a child.
We rarely use the naughty step. We have a silly step, also rarely used but useful occasionally for a few minute chill when a dc is bring silly/throwing toys and refusing to listen.
We have instant toy/item removal, distraction and praise for good behaviour.
What about if you just remove the cup immediately after the first warning has been ignored? Like a pp said if he cries you can explain that he can have it back if he stops banging, then he has a chance to be good. If he bangs again then take it off him and eat your meal and ignore his cries while reminding him why you did what you did. Both involve tears and tantrums but this way seems like it may reinforce the consequences of what he was doing wrong from a toddlers perspective. I think i would personally find it easier to deal with those tears than the ones you experienced and you would be less likely to waver.
Nuny what age were your dc when you introduced naughty step?
Ummm DD1 is 3.5 now and been using it from around 2 from memory... But i understand most advice is that it isn't effective until around 3+.
I did notice she was much more compliant from around 3 as she is more able to understand reason and negotiate.
Putting children in a special place to reinforce the message that theya re naughty is not a great idea. You would be better just taking the cup away as soon as he bangs it. If he bangs anything else, get him down from the table.
Time out as a method of giving a child (and sometimes a parent) time to calm down and take stock can be a good idea. This isn't a punishment. It is more a way to interrupt behaviour that is out of control and offer everyone time to calm down and think. It's a positive strategy and, if implemented effectively, it teaches children to recognise the value of removing yourself and making an effort to regain control.
Using the removal as a punishment, a la Supernanny, creates further conflict and doesn't teach the child anything useful apart from that the resultant screaming and tantruming won't get them what they want. You can teach children that they don't get what they want by bad behaviour in other, more sensible ways and without creating a battle just for the sake of proving that you can impose your will on them.
My 2yr old is 2.1 and I have only just started using anything akin to "time out".
For "silly" behaviour like throwing things I either remove the object or myself "You can have X back if you're not going to throw it" or "If you're shouting I'm not going to play with you"
For dangerous behaviour like hitting he is removed from the situation. "If you hit you will not be allowed to play" He then has to sit on the sofa/chair/corner for 2mins. If he gets up he's wordlessly put back. He has brilliant comprehension, though and can tell me afterwards why he was sat there and that his actions made me sad. If I didn't think he understood I wouldn't do it.
When he was smaller if he was hitting etc there was no punishment as such but it was emphasised that it made people sad and that we cuddle people we love etc. If it carried on he would be put on the floor to play rather than a lap.
I wouldn't pursue it, OP, until you're certain that he understands what you're doing and why. Find other sanctions that have an instant consequence that he will understand.
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