Son's behaviour - his issues or mine?

[Tarynb]

Hi, i have a nearly 8 year old and a 3 year old. the 8 year old has a few friend outside of school and a couple of close friends in school. the friends outside of school are children of my close friends so they have known each other since birth. it has been bought to my attention recently that he is very very bossy whilst playing with them, and is sometimes not inclusive to the fourth and slightly younger friend and has even been a bit mean and teasing towards him. i have spoken to him and his logic is that he wants to play something and the younger child doesnt so he plays something else. i remember being exactly the same as a child, always wanting to clarify if "i was her best friend" etc and wanting everyone to play the things i wanted to play, resulting in my group of friends becoming smaller and smaller, which is why i am probably being a bit over sensitive about it all. i worry all the time that if it carries on and they distance themselves from him, not only will he not have outside of school friends but i may lose my friends too as this happened to my mum in the same way. i have always found it incredibly hard to make friends, and at 38 i fear its a skill that has passed me by. all the friends i am close with are linked to my school friend/s and friends of theirs. i worry that i have passed on this inability to make friends to my son. i have even struggled with small talk with school mums. in 4 years of school he has been invited to 3 or 4 birthday parties, i know i should not compare him to other children who seem to be at a b day party every weekend, as he is not the life and soul of the class/class clown etc, not everyone can be i know that. i just worry that my insecurities are being passed on to him. at a dinner last night one of the husbands was talking about child safety etc and made a "hilarious" joke that if my son was taken by anyone they would soon bring him back as he would be unbearably bossy to them and they would want to get rid of him. everyone laughed along but inside i was trying not to cry - is this really what everyone thinks of him but don't want to say?

[ThatWasNice]

What do his teachers say?

Bossiness is quite an irritating characteristic and I know my kids avoided bossy kids. What does your son say when you talk about it with him?

Is he a bit of a know all too?
Kids can change a lot at your sons age. It might be he finds the other kids silly and childish at the moment. With a bit of time both they and your son might mature a bit.

I think the fact he has good friends at school is a good sign

[Tarynb]

thank you for your reply - i have spoken to him about how he is - and he always insists that he is not bossy just suggestive of the game he wants to play and the others go along with it - and they say that he is bossy - e.g they all agree to play transformers make believe and he will say which one he is going to be rather than "can i be?" his school report this year mentioned that he needs to be inclusive to all with his games, and i know as you say bossy kids are avoided, but how can i try to rectify the behaviour at school. i do remind him constantly when he is with his very small group of after school friends not to be bossy but i get conflicting views from the parents. some say that he is not bossy he just seems to be the leader of the small group and the mum of the younger said that she keeps saying her son need to assert himself a bit more. i dont know what else i can do apart from constantly remind him and ask how he is behaving when playing. my husband says i take things to heart too much and i know he is right, but as a very insecure child (and adult come to that) and one that was bullied quite a lot i just am always so anxious and upset, he doesnt get one party invite and i get upset for him. i understand that the whole class cant go, but the most recent one is always invited and comes to my son's b day parties and my son says they are good friends - i just want him to be happy and to be popular which i think every parent wants but will have to keep an eye on play outside of the school and hope he takes what i suggest and say to him there - back to school with him

[Branleuse]

leadership qualities!

[ThatWasNice]

It sounds like you are doin the right thing. Keep reminding him and having chats about it but try not to worry as it may just be a stage.
I used to do a lot of casual role playing with my kids. Id ask what would they do in such and such a situation and ask them what other kids might be feeling - not too much but just from time to time.
I'm not sure that not being invited to parties means too much.

[LastingLight]

It's a horrible feeling, isn't it, when you see your own faults reflected in your children. Don't worry too much at this stage. My dd used to be like your son. When she had a friend over to play I constantly felt I had to "rescue" the friend as dd would completely dominate and decide what they're going to do and how they're going to do it. Now at 12 she has better social skills (and/or friends who don't put up with her any more!) She's still not a social butterfly and almost never gets invited to parties or friends' houses. This bothers me sometimes but she seems to be happy enough. Just keep talking to your ds, the penny will drop eventually.

[Tarynb]

its nice to know i am not alone - thank you for all your comments, trying to be a bit more relaxed about it - will definitely try the role play idea and maybe when we play games at home - monopoly etc if he wins ill act how he acts when he loses and discuss why its wrong etc. we have discussed a party for him as he is 8 in august, he wants to invite the whole class as he wants to include everyone and not have anyone feeling left out - so i know his heart is in the right place. and i will continue to keep an eye on the playing to ensure he is not too bossy etc. need to work on my issues too but thats a work in progress!