3 yr old has meltdowns when leaving friends' houses - help!!

[fondant4000]

Hi all,

Me and dd (3.5yr) are having some major problems over leaving her friends' at their houses or at the park.

I say beforehand we're only going for blah, blah, we need to leave by teatime, we won't be able to go back to their house after park. I also let her know before we have to leave that we will be going soon.

When it comes to it, she has major meltdown, crying, screaming, refusing to leave. Ends up with me giving her last chance to say goodbye to her friends nicely and give them a hug, counting to three, and physically taking her screaming out of friends' house.

She will then eventually calm down and ask to go back and say goodbye and have hugs, which we do.

Problem is I end up shouting at her, she ends up in tears, I feel angry and awful and like not fixing up playdates any more because I can't bear the aftermath.

Any strategies to help dd cope with leaving, or help me with her refusal to leave??

[ellasmum1]

Omg fondant4000 I could have written this myself and my dd is 3.6! She cries ,hits me,screams and sobs like her heart is breaking and i feel like the most horrible witch alive. It takes my dd a while to calm down after we leave and a bribe to do something nice with me when we get home helps(eg making cupcakes from a packet mix etc).
I just hope its a phase. They are just starting to really enjoy and feel love towards their friends. I think the fact my dd is as yet an only child sometimes doesn't help because she is worse when we go home from playing with two siblings as they get to stay together and she feels very alone. I try really hard not to get cross as I feel so sorry for her.

[TitianRed]

I was just going to suggest that you make sure you have something she enjoys doing planned for when you get home and that she knows what you are going to do. I sympathise with you as I have been there with DS! I may be mean (in fact I know I am!) but I have also said to DS before we go out visiting etc., that only if he behaves well will he get to bake fairycakes/paint/watch NickJr etc., when we get home (and make sure you stick to your guns!)

[misdee]

sio you take her back when she has stopped to say goodbye? so she gets another chance to see her friends?

what about NOT going back after the tantrum? so she gets the one chance to say good bye nicely, if not then she leaves without saying goodbye properly until next time.

[LIZS]

I found giving good specific warning of leaving , so that a game could be concluded , then being firm about it worked best. Also talk positively about why you are going - to have favourite tea or see a toy/daddy. Perhaps if she is still playing up the playdate is simply too long and she overtired, in which case shorter meetings on neutral territory, where you can all leave together, may help break the cycle.

[eastendgirl]

No, I wouldn't take her back either, that seems like a reward to me. I wouldn't bribe either, but as others have said explain what will happen at home (lovely dinner, books to read with daddy, etc), but no bribe and no shouting either, just be firm. I also think that she might be overtired. Good luck.

[fondant4000]

Hi,

Thanks for all your messages. Some good tips.

ellasmum - yes, I feel the only child thing does happen at the moment.

Titian red and lizS - have tried the things to do at home angle - but perhaps need to firmer on it.

misdee - ISWYM about taking her back, but on the other hand I feel that she by doing this she is actually doing as I ask - i.e. saying goodbye nicely and leaving without a fuss. I would not take her back if she continued to act badly.

I have actually discovered something that really helps by accident - food!

I noticed that she left really nicely the other day after having tea with her friend. The next time, as we were not staying for tea, I asked my friend if she could have a slice of bread to eat about 20 mins before we needed to go. She was an absolute angel about leaving. Looking back I've realised a lot of the times she has actually been hungry on leaving - and this may be making her meltdown (I know that I get pretty irrational and moody when my blood sugar is low .

So, now I'm trying to make sure she has something filling to eat (from me or friend), before I talk to her about leaving.

Thanks v. much for your replies.

[Twiglett]

She needs a 5 or 10 minute warning

then a reminder .. right 3 mins now

2 mins now .. put your shoes on

1 min now .. say goodbye

and go .. ignoring any complaining the whole way

a few goes of that and she'll get used to it (although you'll always get problems every so often)