11 year old behaviour

[Ange1972]

Hi I'm a single mum to an 11 year old son. He's currently upstairs crying his eyes out after yet another massive outburst. This one was brought on by the fact he has home work to do over half term. Cue slamming doors, stomping and general tantrum. In the past I've literally spoon fed him with his homework and ended up doing it for him. Realised that's not the right thing to do so told him to set about it and if he needs help to ask. He basically wants me to do all the research for him then give it to him in (my!) his own words! He doesn't have ant learning difficulties he gets great reports at school no problems at all. At home with me he is becoming so hard to deal with I don't know what to do?

Dad lives about 50 miles away and sees him some weekends but nothing regular as such as he works shifts (so do I but hey I'm a single mum what rights do I have??!!). Son thinks sun shines out of dads backside. He takes him on holidays etc as he doesn't struggle financially like I do! He does pay maintenance.

Son is thinking he is fat (he's 28kg FFS!!) and keeps saying he's dumb and thick. Was in the bathroom just now I could hear a banging noise and said he was kicking the walk to hurt himself. I'm at the end of my tether I know I should maybe get him to the docs but he says he will refuse to go? How do I get him there when he's kicking and screaming? When he was little he refused his flu jabs and kicked the nurse I was so embarrassed.

Please someone any suggestions? He is a bright loving boy when he is good and he is very responsible he lets himself in after school if I'm working and loves the responsibility. Thanks.

[lljkk]

I don't push homework like that, I would ignore it completely (ostrich life works for me). What penalty if it doesn't get done? (I won't say "if he doesn't do it" since you already know exactly what that's like). I can live with it but perhaps you can't, your call.

As for self-esteem, is there anything he likes, that he enjoys, that makes him feel good about himself? Self-confidence in one area tends to spread, if you can find even one area that makes him feel confident.

[BlueDesmarais]

Let the homework go undone and the teachers can dole out the penalty. He needs to learn.

[Ange1972]

Thanks guys I will try to let it go over my head more re homework I'm just worried sick about the fact he says he wants to hurt himself!!

[atthestrokeoftwelve]

I agree with the others, some gentle reminders, offer of help or to supply and materials he may need and leave it.
He is old enough to learn some personal responsibility and take te consequences from the teachers accordingly.
Don't let it become a battleground at home.

ATM, let him calm down a little, then in 30 minutes ask what he would like for dinner. Be casual, calm and relaxed and avoid the subject.

[Ange1972]

He's gone off to his dads. We had a walk out this morning to clear both our heads he explained he feels really angry and stressed sometimes. I haven't mentioned it to his dad yet as during our chat he said he wanted it to be between the two of us and I want him to trust me. Just texted him and he said he'd finished his homework at his dads (yay!!) and I again explained how much his behaviour worries me and I wanted him to promise not to think about hurting himself. He said he couldn't promise me so now I'm even more worried!!

[Misfitless]

I'd definitely try and get something in place to build his confidence...whatever interests him, or things that he has never even tried before, or even thought of, but which he can lose himself in, iyswim.

Off the top of my head, I'm assuming that he isn't sporty (might be very wrong, sorry if I am,) so maybe art, photography, something to do with wildlife/conservation..anything.

Would try and have his friends round, but you probably are doing all these things, anyway.

Again, might be wrong, but can you rule out bullying? Does he have access to social media? I can't think why a boy that age would be expressing such negative thoughts about himself unless he's had it said to his face/over the internet. Then again, don't have much experience of boys that age, so don't know why I'm even replying [blush.]

I'd try and get his dad to be a bit more involved, something regular that your son can count on if at all possible, although the distance might make that impossible.

Does his dad phone him, text him in between visits, or is contact only limited to when they can see each other? Could he and his dad do that thing where they play on the X-box together, even though they are miles apart. I imagine it would do him good to know that his dad genuinely would like to spend time with him, even if they are miles apart.

[Ange1972]

Thanks misfitless... He actually is very sporty. He does judo which he loves and there are lots of positive role models there. He enters lots of competitions one which recently he lost every fight which really knocked him. His coach was great tho and took him to one side and talked to him for ages. He has lots of friends round and plays out lots, weather permitting! Overall he is a popular boy. This behaviour is not like him. Will have a word with school but certainly don't think there us any bullying? He does go on Xbox live but I monitor it regularly as I'm very nosey haha. He doesn't access anything he shouldn't and all his online friends are actual real human friends too. He plays minecraft so that's the extent of that? He is on Instagram but it is all thru my iTunes account so again I see everything and I sneak a look at his internet history regularly

[Misfitless]

It's good that he's at least told you how he feels. I wish my DS would talk to me about his feelings.

I can understand how worried you must be when he's said that. Can you try and teach him strategies of how to cope when he feels angry and stressed, so that if he does feel like hurting himself, he can channel those feelings somehow.

Have no idea what strategies there are, but you could do a bit of research in to it while he's at his dad's, so that you've got something to go on when he gets back.

Do you feel that he has a nice set of friends, OP, or is he quite isolated? My DN's behaviour was appalling at this age - so much anger and aggression and frustration, that my Dsis literally had no idea what to do. It was all down to really low self esteem combined with the onset of raging hormones.

He eventually found a hobby that he loved, which helped him to make a new set of friends. He finally found somewhere where he felt he fitted in, and he is now mostly happy.

[Ange1972]

He has some lovely friends. We've been swimming, pictures etc this week and I'm friends with his friends parents too. Unfortunately I'm just about to start a 12 hour night shift (need that like a hole in the head lol!) but will see how he is when he comes home tomorrow. He is at a judo event on Sunday so hopefully if he wins that will boost his confidence. Xx

[Misfitless]

Sorry, Ange, I cross posted there.

Oh, how wrong I was about everything!

Mmm well, maybe it's all down to hormones then? Hope he feels better when he gets home, and that your shift isn't too bad.

[Ange1972]

Thanks misfitless started shift at 7pm and quiet so far (work in emergency services) so fingers crossed! X