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DS 2 does not 'conform'

(18 Posts)
mumteedum Fri 20-Sep-13 11:04:26

I'm not worried exactly, but wondering if perhaps I should be a bit?

DS is our only child. He has been to nursery and CM but only part time and term time only because of my work. When not working, I have him at home but make an effort to go to swimming and playgroups.

Last autumn, DS was a year old plus, and we went regularly to the playgroup at the library where they do songs. It's a lovely session, but pretty busy with a mixed age group of preschoolers. DS was a late walker and used to kind of just do his own thing. No way would he sit still and listen to the songs. He HATED the parachute game and I'd have to take him to a quiet corner with some books when they did it or he'd scream the place down. Generally he would just crawl/toddle around looking at the books and occasionally join in the songs with some encouragement.

Took him yesterday for first time since January. I thought now he's 2, he'd be much better. Interact more with other kids and songs. Well, he's just the same. He doesn't want to do what everyone else is doing. He doesn't seem to be like the other kids. They all sit there watching the group leader with her bag of toys and join in songs. DS either wants to run around, or look at books or if he does join in, he doesn't want to do the same as everyone else.

EG The lady singing songs has a bag of toys to illustrate the songs. DS doesn't 'get' that these are part of the fun of the song. He got very upset when the toy ducks were tossed on the parachute. Didn't see the fun in the flapping the parachute, just wanted to play with the toys. It was like we were just teasing him by not letting him play as he wanted to.

I can see other parents, gps looking at me and I do feel judged sometimes, as if I've got a spoilt brat, but I don't let him do as he likes. He does have boundries etc. He is bright, excellent language skills and can count etc, but I don't feel his social skills are great. Am I over reacting? Just feel like he seems really different which I only notice in these sort of settings with lots other kids.

Sorry, I'm no good at writing short posts!

NeoMaxiZoomDweebie Fri 20-Sep-13 11:13:15

He's 2...far too young to conform. I tried to take my older DD to these kind of things and she always wandered off...the music classes were a disaster! By the time I had DD2 I knew not to bother...both girls are now very well adjusted indeed...age 9 and 5 they do well at school and are happy.

Not joining in at 2 is not much indication of a child with non-conformist tendencies grin honest.

Boobybeau Fri 20-Sep-13 11:13:40

It's obviously more of a niggling concern to you then a full on worry but I'd still talk to your HV just to put your mind at rest. It may be nothing, he could just a head strong little boy who knows what he wants or he may need a little more help in social situations.

matana Fri 20-Sep-13 15:18:23

Sounds pretty normal to me. At the same age ds was the only child trying to climb the shelves in the library rather than listening quietly to the stories. He's only just begun to enjoy those types of songs and games too, now that he's almost 3. At 2, ds didn't quite get why frogs were tossed up and down in a blanket and used to watch more than anything a bit bemused. He totally gets it now and is the life and soul of the party, in the thick of it laughing and throwing himself around though it is always on his terms and he is often very wilful too. But he's totally normal. That said, I never had a niggling feeling he was anything other than normal, so if you feel there's something wrong perhaps a hv can put your mind at rest.

Goldmandra Fri 20-Sep-13 15:33:45

If you're concerned about Autism you should definitely speak to your HV.

This screening tool for children up to 30 months may help set your mind at rest or give you something concrete to raise with your HV depending on the outcome.

PyjamasNotBananas Fri 20-Sep-13 16:32:41

both my DS's have been/ are like that. I loved play groups and stay and plays because it got us out of the house but DS1 was always the child wanting to get all the toys out again after they'd been put away to do story time. He never sat and joined in the songs. He hated the loud songs especially the 'sizzling sausages' where one goes BANG (always made him cry so I took him away to play in the corner or outside when they sang that). He was always far too interested in the toys or the door or the fire extinguisher hmm He's always been very inquisitive about his surroundings and didn't really join in with anything like that til he was 3.

DS2 is 20 months old and EXACTLY the same. He's always the child all the other parents seem to look at and it's hard not to feel judged.

BUT DS1 is now 6 and lovely, calm, very sociable, doing very well at school and absolutely no concerns so I am trying to not worry this time round. They are all different and all children like different things. Mine just aren't interested in sitting still and joining in with practical strangers doing things they don't have the social development to understand....clever kids wink .

LongDivision Fri 20-Sep-13 23:44:16

i think as the babies start to grow up, those sort of groups filter down to just those toddlers who enjoy that kind of thing. & those of us whose DC don't enjoy it tend to stop going.

BrieMonster Sun 22-Sep-13 08:34:00

You're probably not being judged half as much as you think you are. I take that sort of thing to heart too and have left two such groups for that reason. Regret it slightly as since then have had lovely interactions with the other parents who I thought had it in for me!
I'm just going to take him to something more physical instead, a gym class. And arrange play dates at home/park.
Whatever you do, don't assume other parents are thinking the worst!!

Misty9 Sun 22-Sep-13 19:06:12

Sounds normal to me I hope as ds is also 2yo just and nevers sits down at circle time etc. he doesn't go to nursery or cm but does go to some groups and has regular playdates where he plays fine alongside his friends. At this age they don't really play together, just alongside; and they're so excited about being able to discover and do things that sitting still isn't an option imo.

Some children definitely manage it better than others, so we just make sure we go to things where ds can run around like a loon smile

Valdeeves Sun 22-Sep-13 23:02:45

Sounds normal to me too - it's hard to accept you haven't got a "joiner" sometimes - it was for me !

mumteedum Mon 23-Sep-13 12:35:47

Thanks for all replies and reassurance.

Wasn't worried about Autism gold but that is a good link and I know someone who will definately find that useful.

It makes sense that the ones that like that kind of thing form the majority. I hadn't thought about that. I think DS is just so 'busy' he doesn't want to sit down, like yours misty. Big thank you for your lovely post too pyjamas, as that just sounds spot on. DS is just a busy, clever, strong willed little boy, so great to hear there are plenty more like him just that we haven't met any here! smile

I am thinking of finding some other playgroups, maybe a tumbletots thing?

Incidentally, those mentioning the HV, I haven't heard from mine about the 2 year check. Do they still do those does anyone know? DS is 26 months now.

mumteedum Mon 23-Sep-13 12:55:19

I might have phrased that wrong DS is just a busy, clever, strong willed little boy, so great to hear there are plenty more like him just that we haven't met any here! Didn't mean to suggest other kids we've met aren't clever and DS is, just that haven't met other kids like him that won't sit still and join in and would rather just do their own thing, IYSWIM!

cordyroy Mon 23-Sep-13 13:06:33

My little man is exactly the same!! He is a lovely bright little lad who will be three in December but the more structure you give him the more he resists. He's very happy rubbing along side everyone else but not at all interested in sitting down for story time or craft sessions. My dd was completely different and very keen to join in activities.

I did worry for a while but the more I talk to people I think it very much comes down to being a little boy, albeit a very headstrong one! We tried story sessions and music but while all the others seemed to sit attentively I was chasing him around the room to retrieve handbags he's swiped from other parents or stopping him from emptying every toy out of boxes/cupboards. it is hard not to feel judged or wonder why your little one cant be a little more compliant but that's just how he is, full of character and definitely a free spirit. I now just choose carefully what activities we do that way it is much less stressful and more enjoyable for both of us.
Good luck x

BrieMonster Tue 24-Sep-13 03:35:13

Not sure where you are op but here we get a 27 month check so should be any day now for you..

humblebumble Tue 24-Sep-13 03:48:19

DS1 hated parachute games at any of the toddler groups I took him to, he also didn't really conform and seemed unhappy in these situations (but perfectly happy otherwise). Now at the age of 6 is the most well behaved (conforming) child at school. At home he can be a nightmare but at school he is just great.

AveryJessup Tue 24-Sep-13 04:43:46

Do you want him to conform? If it's important to you that he conforms and listens to instructions / follows others, then you should probably keep taking him along to these things and try to instill good listening in him.

If, on the other hand, you're happy to accept him as a kid who is active and curious and independent, then I wouldn't bother with group activity things like this.

My DS is very active and feisty and, while his listening has improved as he gets closer to 2, he is definitely not the kind of child who listens quietly and follows the crowd. I like this character trait in him and am happy that he is not passive and quiet like I was as a child (not any more I hasten to add!). These days, I avoid the 'quiet listening' type activities and take him to the park with his boisterous, lively friends instead!

Sockywockydoodah Tue 24-Sep-13 05:26:07

Gosh yes, my DS (just 3) is absolutely like this and always has been. I've just stopped taking him to the groups where his presence was really disruptive and focused on those with mostly free play, with some directed stuff at the end (tidying/story) because they're useful skills to practice.

I was SO reassured when one of the most talented early years practitioners at our local CC said she had to stop taking her 3yo DS to the library for Rhyme Time because he spent the whole time running around and pulling books off the shelves. Some kids are just built like this!

mumteedum Tue 24-Sep-13 15:45:32

Avery Don't get me wrong, I LOVE his personality and spirit. I love that he is independent and knows his own mind. Neither his Dad or me are particularly conformist. However, I am aware that we as his parents are incomers and different to most people in the town we live in. I am painfully aware of how 'standing out' for whatever reason can make kids a target for bullies. This may or may not be the case in future, but as a late summer born child, he is going to be youngest at school, so to an extent I think it's important he can fit in.

I feel quite reassured by this thread though that I've nothing to really be concerned about and I should just try some other activities with him! As long as he can find something in common with some other kids, as he gets older, that'll be great. Maybe something more active as you suggest.

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