When How to Talk doesn't work??

[DitaVonCheese]

Love How to Talk, think it's a brilliant approach and makes perfect sense to me. Unfortunately it makes less sense to DD. If she's upset and I try to empathise then it just enrages her even more.

Eg just now she started to go into tantrum mode because she wanted to eat a bowl of cereal on the sofa in front of the tv and DH and I said she had to eat them in the kitchen at the table. DH started trying to explain rationally why she couldn't do this but I felt that she was beyond listening to reason/logic (I do feel bad for butting in ) so I said "Wow, you're really cross, aren't you? It's really frustrating when mummy and daddy won't let you do something", which is as far as I got as she then clapped her hands over her ears and started screaming "Shut up! Shut up! Stop talking!".

This happens quite often. Am I doing it all wrong? She's (just) 4.

[DeWe]

I think if I was feeling cross and someone said that to me then I'd clap my hands over my ears and scream "Shut up" too.

[HolyAutumnGoldBatman]

that's exactly what I thought when I read it DeWe

[AngelDog]

I find that once 2.9 y.o. DS gets to the point of starting tantrum mode, nothing works. The HTT approach does help at other times though. I'd perhaps be inclined to let the strop run its course, then empathise with her feelings.

We have other times DS responds in a counterintuitive way. If he's in meltdown because he's tired or hungry, any of the HTT acknowledgements make it worse - distraction is the only thing which helps. At times when he's upset but not screaming, distraction never ever works and just makes him more cross.

[Turquoiseblue]

I think lids know when younre saying something by rote that you ve learned and when you re sincerely sympathising with them. What age is your dd?
Does she need some independence - maybe trust her to eat cereal on tr sofa as it s Saturday evening and everyone s tired from a busy weekend - but only this once so she can show she s a big girl and won't spill etc ..... We use it then as a reward or special treat .....

[ZombTEE]

Me too, DeWe and Holy.

If that's what HTT tells you to handle a tantrum, I'm glad my copy was never even opened.

[lingle]

I think your timing was out :) and the phrase sounded a bit pat.

come and join the rest of us imperfect parents :)

[Handsfulloffun]

Sometimes things just go past the point of no return. I am also an imperfect parent to 2 year twins, we have tantrums aplenty here mostly over toys. I was thinking about getting HTT........does anyone think its worth it ?

[Bearwantsmore]

I like HTT and actually I don't think it's advice is unique - you see a similar sort of thing in quite a few parenting books / weekend newspaper supplements etc (yes I have read far too many of them, in desperation!).

Your post made me laugh as it was just the sort of thing i say (or intend to say) and it is v hard to be sincere! I agree it was probably just your timing that was out though.

I also use Time Out (I have a rather pick-and-mix approach to parenting!), literally to give both DD (and me!) some distance from the situation and that works reasonably well for tantrums. DD will sometimes now take herself off to calm down then come back and apologise.

[steppemum]

my ds is 9 and he still gets into tantrums at times. Only now we call it loosing his temper
When he is cross, has lost it, then NOTHING works. Empathy makes him shout about how we don't mean it (because if we did we would 't tell him off, forbid him to do whatever)
If we punish (warn that he will loose computer time, ds, early bedtime etc) he says I don't care, and gets crosser.

The only thing we can do is send him to his room until he has clamed down.

Once they have lost it, I really think they just need space to clam down. THEN you can empathise.

FWIW no cereal on sofa ever in our house. Wet food in kitchen (for this reason we eat pizza on saturday night so we can eat it in front of telly!)