9 yr old with tantrums and being violent to me

[Melsoaps]

Hi all, I'm quite new to this, so please bear with me, as it's quite long. Basically, we've had an awful weekend with my 9 year old DS. This topic has probably been covered loads in the past, but he started 'playing up' from the age of about 4 years, but back then we'd just had a new baby, moved house, and he started school, so I put it down to all the changes in his life. Over the years, he has continued to have behavioural problems and I took him to the GP. This proved a bit pointless and although we were advised there were slight traits of ADHD, nothing was ever diagnosed and we saw a mild improvement. Also, he is very well behaved in school & gets good results in everything, so he can control himself. However, at home over the past year or so, he flies into rages over the slightest thing, particularly if he is being told to do something he doesn't want to, throws things around, damages things, threatens to hurt his sister, says the worse swear words he can possibly think of, screams and shouts, and is very aggressive. The worse part is that he has now started to hit me, jump at me, and nip me etc. He is so angry all the time and I am ashamed to admit that I hit him this weekend as I was in tears over this behaviour. We have tried to take things away from him, ie. X-box and computer, but when he gets them back, it starts again, especially if he loses a game or something. He will throw the controller and blame everything and everybody else for anything which doesn't go his way. His Dad does work a lot and although he loves him, I believe he doesn't spend enough time with him. We do try to do things as a family, but this is very often spoiled if DS doesn't like what we are doing or is bored. He has a complete lack of respect for me and occasionally other adults. This weekend has been the worse in his life and I'm really at my wits end as to what to do. He always says sorry like he did on saturday, but did the same again on sunday. As soon as the screaming cries start, it's very difficult to get him to calm down. Any advice would be appreciated from a very stressed out mum of two. (my eyes are swollen today with all the crying) Thanks xx

[corygal]

I really, really feel for you. It's not your fault. Does 'nipping' mean your 9yr old is biting you?

Don't beat yourself up about hitting him - everyone makes mistakes. Might I add that if you lashed in self-defence that doesn't count as a mistake in my humble view. Just try not to repeat it. In the meantime, talk to yr DH then together you might want to approach the school. (What's his behaviour like there?)

Sounds like DS needs specialist help, which at aged 9, they should be able to provide sooner rather than later. You're his mother - not his friend, and not his punchbag - and they should be able to refer you to someone who can help him work that out.

[strawberryfeels]

Agree that it sounds like your DS needs specialist help. Go back to your GP and ask for a referral again. Did he ever see a developmental paediatrician or get referred to CAMHS?

What are his social skills like? Does he have many friends? What activities does he do outside of school?

Post again on the Special Needs Children board - there will be lots of parents going through the same sort of thing and you'll get a lot of support and suggestions there.

[Melsoaps]

Thanks so much for these replies. The wierd thing is his behaviour is perfect in school and his report was fantastic. Almost like reading about another child, so that's how I know he can control his temper. He does have friends, but can lose his temper with them too if they don't play to his rules. He does jujitsu outside school and rides his bike a lot, but his problem seems to be mainly around me and in the home. He did see a peadiatrician, but it was more about me answering questions rather than help for DS, but I am going to ask for another referral. Thanks again.