Please Help with my 10yr old DS! <Sorry its long!>

[5milespastdespair]

Right. Where do i start?!?! (Ive just started councilling and anti-depressants, so it might not be the best piece of writing i've done
My just 10yr old DS has had a long run of various behaviour problems. ...and now i dont have a clue what to do!
Im really struggling to cope, DP is beginning to wonder whats going on in the 1bed local rental market, and DS is just finding the whole thing hilarious, and secretly probably distressing!
He's sort of seeing specialists who dip in and out every couple of months, ask a whole heap of questions, but dont seem to have actually done anything thus far!
He refuses to do even the simplest of tasks without being rude and obnoxious. Sometimes he will be so stubborn that it ends in violence - on his part, not mine. If i 'usher him' in a direction, to try and get him to do what he's been asked, or to go and have a time out/calm down, he'll throw himself dramaticly across the room onto the floor and blame me. He's constantly one step ahead of me. He's got a rude answer for everything, he wont apply himself to anything, other than 'baiting' me. He's similar at school, Violent outbursts. Cant seem to keep friends for any great length of time. My family are out-and-out useless when it comes to being able to help pick up the strain where DS is concerned. They either make the problem worse in the long run, or are too busy to help.
DS had an unsettled start in life, however more recently he's had a very settled life. DP and i have lived together for just over a year. DS has loved having someone to do boyish things with (Mums can PLAY football, but most 10yr olds dont think its cool to kick a ball around with a girl - not just any girl, an old girl, by his yardstick!)
He has a disturbing obsession with War, and Guns. Not like Boyish charm, and toy soldiers- im talking scary, undisciplined obsession. His drawings are all detailed war scenes, in black biro. He's never been allowed to play with guns - however when he was about 4yrs old, at a 'family friend' 's house he unbeknown to me, spent 4 or 5 months playing Grand Theft Auto, and about 2 years ago, saw it a schoolfriends house, and hasnt shut up about it since.
Anyways, some of this behaviour stems from terrible male role models.. His Biological Dad has messed him around terribly on and off for most of his life, and my ex partner confused DS terribly with a very sudden and violent break up, the 'main event' being a rude and violent awakening after we split, by turning up in the middle of the night and making loud and horrifying threats that left some deep emotional stuff - that was over 3 years ago.
Since then, DS has had sleepwalking night terrors. Recently theyve been getting more frequent. I dont hold these against him an ounce, and always deal with them in a loving manner. He's been a lovable but trying child since he was 4, however he's being 'progressing' with the challenging behaviour since then. There isnt always a pattern to his behaviour, they dont always tally up with when he's being let down by his Biodad and it seems its almost become learned behaviour over the last 4 or so years.
I dont know where im going with this, i dont even know what you can suggest - Ive tried alsorts. Sticker charts, goals, Counter Jars, Being chilled and leanient, Being stern and stricking to my guns, Im even following a 'No Shouting Mummy' sticker chart at the moment, to prove im willing to compromise, providing i havent already asked him 3 times nicely! Im banging my head against a brick wall, and im terrified that im going to spend an awful lot of time at the police station when he's older - which i feel guilty for even thinking about.
There. If you made it this far, THANK YOU! Any input gratefully recieved.

[flirty30]

Hi,

Sorry you are having a difficult time. I totally understand how you feel. My s has behavioural difficulties and is currently outside full time education due to a crap school and a failed managed move. How does your son get on at school? I am learning very fast that you need to shout loud and demand support- I have wrote a letter this week to lots of polititians and council officials in the plee for help. I believe a paper trail is needed to evidence my need for support- is this something that may benefit your situation?

You mention certain professionals dip in and out. Have you had any contact with your local CAMHS? (Child and Adolescent Mental Health Service). I had my first appointment with mine for my son this week and they seem quite promising with lots of professionals in one place.

There will also be some sort of parent support in your area- ring your local children's services department and ask for a contact name and number from them.

Hope any of this helps. Good luck and chin up x

[pulledmuscle]

Hi there,
as the previous post suggested, demand the help that's available, first port of call would be your GP, who can then refer you and your son to specialist therapists (mind you, best not to take kids along when you're discussing their behavior with the GP, they seem to play up and use that against you as a weakness). Also you said he's 10, at that age things you try when they're younger, like time out, sticker charts have no effect on them, and they think they're cleverer or more in tune with life than the grown ups. Maybe you could try talking to him, maybe start off discussing his drawing, even praising the detail, ask how he came up the ideas, maybe take him to a war museum so that the harsh reality of war and violence can be seen. School does seem to have a regressive effect as staff dont seem to hve time, at least summer holidays are coming up, it'll be difficult for you but try and plan something as a family every day and try more discussions, general topics. It will be hard and after progress u might feel you've gone two steps back, but thats the way things work, keep talking, build up trust and slowly guide him towards responsibility by talking about what he wants to do later on in life.

[5milespastdespair]

Thank you both for your comments. I have been demanding the help available for quite a while now, and not getting very far. flirty30 DS has been through the CAMHS service twice now. Ive managed to get professionals listening finally, as DS' behaviour got worse at school - the first time round i was told ive just got a naughty boy on my hands, deal with it. Second time round, now our area 'professor' has retired, and the new doctor seems to have it a bit more together.
I also fought tooth and nail to get him some councilling and support with Dreadnaught, after trying very hard to talk to DS and get him to open up to me (pulledmuscle Ive tried an older approach, quiet chats, mini feelings meetings, out-and-out laying down the law, and softly softly over the last year or so, as he got older). He refuses to talk to anyone.. and unfortunately Dreadnaught run a policy whereby the child chooses when the therapy stops - DS waited for the first 10 week review, and decided that not missing 10 minutes of lunchtime (overlapping from the 1/2hr off morning lessons) was far more important to him, and it was boring talking about feelings anyway .
One of the main problems we have is when DS is given the opportunity to open up, if he chooses to participate, he generally either tells whoever what he thinks they want to hear, or what he thinks is going to get him some leaniency. He rarely takes the opportunity to just have a nice quiet chat.
He has alot of similar traits to ADHD, but its selective. He is sooo clever!!! I just wish i could take some of that energy and put it into something constructive for him!
Whenever we talk about what he wants to be when he grows up it stems around the same choices - anything involving a tank or a gun, or innapropriate style of living. I dont mean a healthy lad wanting to join up with the army to serve his Queen and Country, he talks about hijacking tanks and trashing cities, and all sorts. He asks questions about how to get away with robbing banks, and how to 'win' against the police. He wants to know everything there is to know about criminal activity. This type of behaviour, as far as im aware of, is not coming from any adult influence he's ever had in his life.
..and now im late for work. Im sorry, i keep waffling on, there's just so much background information i could give you.
Thanks again

[metimenow]

My son has Adhd and Autism he used to be like your son going on about war and anything to do with it. He would talk about the taliban and going to bomb peoples homes. He does not do it very much now that he is more settled in school. If you think ds has Adhd you need to get your doctor to refer him to the child development centre were they can assess him. They will give you and the school a questionaire to fill in to see if he has. If you get a diagnosis you will then be able to get help for him in school.