Mother and daughter at war

[leroymerlin]

My mother (59) and daughter (2.8) have fallen out and I don't know what to do. My mum came to stay on Monday for a week, she looked after my DD and DS (10months) all day Tuesday for the first time ever. Since Wednesday morning DD has been throwing tantrums and not allowing her granny near her. At first I said 'Just ignore her I'm sure it's just because of yesterday' but then she (my mum) broke down crying, said she couldn't cope with the way DD was treating her and I needed to address her behaviour. Since then whenever DD says something 'mean' (We're going swimming now granny without you) she is saying 'mean' things back (Fine, I didn't want to go with you anyway). Aaaargh. It's now Saturday and they're still at it, with my mum giving me pointed looks whenever DD says something.

I just need some MN advice on what to do with either of them because I'm at a loss...

[OiYouThere]

Tell your mother to grow up?

[Littlefish]

It's unacceptable for your mother to say "mean" things back.

She just needs to grow up and be an adult about it.

Have you asked your dd why she is cross with her granny?

[monkoray]

Sounds like your mum needs to grow up. She needs to understand that small children say mean things but being mean back will only perpetuate it. You could make a point of saying to dd, please don't be mean to granny. But it sounds like the more serious conversation needs to happen with your mum. She needs to be reminded that kids learn by example, and she needs to not be petty.
Poor you, don't envy that situation

[Amaretti]

Your mother s an adult and needs to change her behaviour drastically. She is out of order and you will have to tell her so.

Your daughter needs consistent instructions and clear consequences for bad behaviour. She is a toddler and can grow out of it.

Are you for real, though?

[superjobeespecs]

god your mum sounds a twunt!! your daughter probably picked up the bad attitude from your mother!! tell her to grow up and realise her granddaughter is a tiny little girl vocalising her thoughts and perhaps testing boundaries, not a horrid grown woman to be vile to.

[mercibucket]

was she similar as a parent or has she just forgotten what young children are like?
yes, probably good idea for you to pull up your daughter a bit 'we don't say things like that' but mostly it's up to your mum to grow up, stop being so self centred and self obsessed and get over herself. that's going to be hard to tell her though unless you have a pretty open relationship.

[leroymerlin]

Thanks - I would love to tell her to grow up, but that would definately lead to an argument, tears and a mood that may last till Christmas. The trouble is this is the first time they have ever spent any length of time together and I am so saddened by the way its working out.

I suppose they'll both grow out of it.

[leroymerlin]

Amaretti - not sure what you mean by 'are you for real?' And I'm not really someone who tells everyone around me what they should be doing - I just love them both.

[mercibucket]

sounds like your mum is quite self obsessed. I'm sure she's lovely as well but a mood that may last five or six months sounds like big time sulking and manipulation. if your daughter is going to spend a lot of time in future round your mum, you will need to adjust to your new role of protector of daughter from her grandmother's mood swings, rather than lettting your mum get away with it which is what you were probably brought up to do. if they're not going to spend too much time together in future, not such a big deal. just be very clear in your own head who is being the child here - and it's not your daughter!

[WhollyGhost]

" I would love to tell her to grow up, but that would definately lead to an argument, tears and a mood that may last till Christmas. The trouble is this is the first time they have ever spent any length of time together "

Your first responsibility is to your dc, you are letting your dd down if you tolerate your mother's behaviour. So what if telling her to grow up prompts an argument? You should be the one to face that, not your two year old.

[superjobeespecs]

so what if it leads to an argument sorry but IMHO your priority is to protect your daughter from your mothers behavior or else she'll grow up thinking her nanas mean / hates her / an idiot and may well lose respect for you because you didnt stand up for her.

[LoveBeingAbleToNamechange]

I would yell them both to stop saying mean things when they do it. The fact is there is a reason why she has started doing this, more than likely a comment from your mum to begin with!

[leroymerlin]

Thanks people - will rethink my priorities!

[skybluepearl]

can you tell your mum to be more positive or just ignore DD's comments. it's better for your mum to say 'oh i'll really miss you' when DD tells her she isn't coming swimming.

[ThePathanKhansWoman]

Maybe its just a personality clash OP, i call my mother and DD "Johnny and Fanny" when they are in kitchen making a mess baking together, they both have bossy strong personalities. DD is 3.7mths btw. I just let them get on with i'm scared of both of them it.

[Amaretti]

Sorry, I meant that I doubted your situation because I found it hard to believe that anyone would have the lack of sense required to fight with a two year old. And we get a lot of made up stories on here. I hope you sort things out.