So upset. Really feel ive failed my DD. Long.

[25goingon95]

DD has a stammer. She has had it since she was 2 years old (very early talker) She is now 5.

We have had speech therapy and just waiting to start it again.

Ive followed the therapists advice and worked at it for 3 years and still she stammers (although it is better than it was). Im beside myself with worry that she will always have it, i sit here crying most nights trying to find something, anything at all online that tells me this is not my fault and that DD will grow out of it. DH is useless, and i feel im carrying this huge unbearable burden all alone.

Im worried because she is more aware of it now at 5yo. She gets embarassed and sometimes avoids saying certain words and it kills me. i tell her it is no big deal. I encourage her. I do everything i can to make sure she is not stressed or pressured or rushed etc. We don't talk about it apart from me giving praise when she doesn't stammer as advised by therapist.

My mother keeps telling me how i had it too and she cured it herself. Why the fuck can't i cure my DD??? Im so fucking useless i really feel i should step out of here and hand over to someone who knows what they are doing, for my poor DDs sake. Im terrified it is too late to fix this. We had a year of useless therapy, the therapist did not hear DD stammer until a year after we started the 10 minute monthly sessions!!!!! (even age 2 DD was very clever at hiding her stammer/choosing words she used carefully) So that was a year wasted!! Then we had a year of better therapy and got signed off as things were better. Now were waiting to go back.

The stammer used to be bad, she would get stuck on words all the time and not be able to say them at all. Now she doesn't get stuck, just sounds like this "mmmmmmmmmummy" or "wwwwwwwwhere are you going" and "please caaaaaaan i have" It is not like c a a a a n, if you know what i mean, just aaaaaa. It is not every sentance now but happens a lot of the time. Please tell me this means she may grow out of it?? If she stops during the "mmmmmm" or other sound, and says the word again it is ok, so maybe it is now a habit which means we can practice un-doing it? Obviously going to speak to therapist about this just desperately need other opinions at the moment :(

Please tell me any positive stories of children who stammered past the age of 5 and grew out of it. No bad stories please i make my own up all night every night :(

[mum2JRC]

My DS had a bad stammer for about a year ( from age 2 1/2) . We followed what the Speech and Language therapist said and it has significantly improved ( now 4) but he does have some daily dyfluency but no longer gets stuck on words.
Have you looked at or done Lidcombe program. We were told that is how they would actively treat if it did not improve with the home program.
Have you been on www.stammering.org as lots of helpful info.


I hope you get some helpful advice

[Mummyloveskisses]

I just posted on another post here my son was 3-4 when his first started and around 7 when it stopped properly... it didn't just stop it just got less and less over the years until it wasn't there anymore. I just used to give no sign I had heard anything other than a normal (unstuttered) sentence even if I had to sit with an interested smile for a minute or two while he got out what he had to say.

I do understand the frustration and the self blame but there isn't a magic cure I just think the more chilled you are the more she will be, if you have no reaction to it she will relax and if it is a stammer that is mean't to be grown out of it will go. But if its not the older she gets the better understanding she will have of the methods for relaxing and thought sorting and she will be able to overcome it (it sounds like she has quite a bit of control already) xxx

You are doing the best anyone could be doing, you are being a fantastic supportive mummy and getting her the help she needs... maybe you could speak to the doctor/hv for training for you?

[25goingon95]

thanks mum2, we did the lidcombe program which helped her to stop getting stuck, im just wondering if we should start doing that again...

Great to hear your DS has improved, are you no longer so concerned now that he doesn't get stuck on words?? Not sure if i am over-reacting seeing as i have no-one to talk to about this :(
Does your DS do what my DD does, dragging out the first sounds on some words?

Thanks for your reply

[sleepingsowell]

oh 25 you poor thing. I'm sure someone will be along with good stories regarding stammering, but in the meantime I wanted to say PLEASE don't worry so much. I am not an expert but I know most kids either grow out of it naturally or are treated successfully. And you sound such a lovely, amazingly loving mum - your daughter is VERY lucky to have you.

I honestly think that the most useful thing that you can do is to totally try to calm down about it. I do realise this is very hard to do as you feel her every little pain and don't want her to have ANY problems in life. But I think one of the hugest lessons of motherhood is that we have to accept our children exactly how they ARE not how our little imagined scenarios of them as we thought they would be. When a child has some challenges it pulls at our very heartstrings, however it often makes the child stronger and gives them confidence in their abilities to cope with life.

You will get her the help she needs, and time will help too. I am sure that she will be fine - you're about to start the therapy again, it works otherwise they wouldn't offer it

Please don't let it assume this great level in your mind - maybe get some help yourself to cope with the anxiety it understandably makes you feel?

[triskaidekaphile]

My son stammered well past 5 years but doesn't now (12 years). hems and haws a bit at times but not sos anyone would notice. We had a bit of speech therapy at about 4 years but it was pretty crap. He grew out of it. He has a lot of ideas and I think his mouth couldn't keep up with his brain for a while.

[triskaidekaphile]

Agree with sleepingsowell's very nice post. Think you need to try and relax about it a little bit or she will pick up on your anxiety. Can you get some counselling, maybe?

[25goingon95]

sleepingsowen, your post made me cry and mummyloves, thanks for your replies.

Im so glad to read your son grew out of it mummyloves. A therapist told me that if they still have it by age of 5 they usually have it for life :( That is what has made me worry so much i think. She is 5 now.

sleepingsowen, your post helped to calm me..you are so right, i can't bear DD feeling embarassed or anxious about the way she talks, i just can't cope with it. But i know i need to accept it and know that it will make her stronger in the long run!!

Ive done my best to help her, the therapist said i was really good at the lidcombe technique. The therapy she taught me after that involved getting DD to say a "bumpy" word again so that it was smooth (as long as i praised her a certain number of times first). I feel this is where i went wrong, pointing it out to DD. I really hate myself for doing that bit for so long, i didn't realise it may have been making her more conscious (sp?) of the stammer. :(

[25goingon95]

trisk, great to read how your son grew out of it!!

DD also has a lot of ideas, she tries to get it all out at once :)

[triskaidekaphile]

Thing is, even if she does have it for a while, it needn't hold her back, as long as she doesn't feel bad about it. I had a wonderful lecturer at college with a slight stammer. No one thought very much about it. Too busy drinking in his wise words to worry about the delivery over much. You sound like a really lovely mother and I'm sure that will mean that your daughter feels very secure and loved and able to deal with this as long as it does last. Also kids with loads of ideas are often pretty able and I bet she does well at school.:) Just try not to worry too much.

[25goingon95]

Thanks trisk. If only i could be sure that she has a chance of growing out of this i wouldn't worry at all!!! I really wouldn't! But no-one can tell me for sure she will outgrow it and as she is very bright (yes does very well at school, excellent reader/writer etc etc) im so worried it will hold her back in the future.

She must feel bad about it if she sometimes avoids words and keeps quiet? :(

These replies have really helped, reading that there are some older children who outgrew it has really calmed me!! It has given me hope. I just keep hearing the therapists voice in my head "if she still has it by age of 5 she will probably always have it..."

Im glad i posted this now. I know i sound a bit OTT but i have no-one to discuss this with until we get an appointment and it all just builds in my head...Thanks so much for your helpful replies.

[Mummyloveskisses]

Hey, you don't sound OTT you sound like a lovely mum who wants the best for her daughter xxx and we all come here (well I know I did) to support and to get support so if you need to post and get it out of your head then type away xxx

[thelifeinyouryears]

You sound like a lovely Mum, and your DD has got the most important thing on her side- a Mum who is willing to fight her corner.
A friend's son had a stammer until late childhood I think, definitely past the age of 5. Was also very bright, now in his final year of Medicine having taken a year out to a degree in... speech pathology. No reason for it to hold her back at all.

[Again10]

DH stammerd until he was in his teens and grew out of it.

[fridakahlo]

My daughter has stammered since the age of two. Having moved to America in the past year meant that we lost our place on the waiting list in the uk and having done research on it in the US we can't afford it and as it has been there since she was young we can't use our health insurance to pay for speech theraphy.
Having done my own research it would appear that if it is still present by the age of TEN then it will probably be a lifelong thing, as Again10 just said her lad was in his teens!
As for your mum curing your stammering, it was probably more that you grew out of it.
As my dd's mum, I try not to worry about it, but I am fairly relaxed about it as it has been improving gradually as she gets older.
The fact that she does not get stuck on words anymore would suggest that your daughter has been improving too :)
Hopefully we will both be able to report back in a year or so that our dd's show definite signs of outgrowing their stammering!

[kreecherlivesupstairs]

You poor thing. I've no advice, but am very and at your own mother. She should be supporting you, not making you feel worse.

[Longtalljosie]

I think what your mum means is she grew out of it. She's taking the credit for something that would have happened anyway iyswim. Agree with kreecher she could have put it better...

[gemmummy]

my brother is now 27 and he has had a stammer all his life. He has a great job as a financial analyst, a wide social group and a lovely fiancee. It's not the end of the world xxx (don't mean to sound harsh, just trying to convey that life can go on)

[Goblinchild]

I've not got anything particularly useful to say, but I have known several children who stammered in the infants who had no trace of a stammer by the time they got to me in Y6.
One was slightly more careful in his speech, but it just sounded as if he was thinking before speaking rather than being hesitant.

[GooseyLoosey]

I had a slight stammer and grew out of it in late primary school - no intervention, just stopped.

On a different note, I would observe that one of the funniest, cleverest people I have met in my professional life had a very bad stammer. He was very happy and very successful.

Don't beat yourself up about it, you are a mother not a miracle worker - you can only do what you can do.

[nulgirl]

I just wanted to say that it is not the end of ghe world if she diesnt grow out of it. I have a slight stammer but it isn't obvious to many people. Certain things make me anxious like public speaking but I don't think it has really held me back professionally. I have a very good job and a wide circle of friends and family. I do have to think carefully about what I say sometimes but have learnt techniques so that no one would know - for instance I have a very wide vocabulary so I can always find words express myself.

My ds (2yo) is showing signs at times of struggling with words but I try to ignore it and let him finish what he wants to say. I know it must be worrying for you but I think you are doing all the right things. IMO it would not be the end of the world if she doesn't grow out of it. As long as she has confidence then she shouldn't let it hold her back.

[QuintessentialPains]

sleepingsowell put it so well.

I think you sound overly stressed about it, and you are possibly making too big deal about it.

Our accountant has a stammer. He is a lovely man, and so what that he has a stammer. People see past this, and they dont define him by his stammer.

[nulgirl]

Oh and one of my friend's dh has a really quite bad stammer. It hasn't stopped him becoming a very good teacher. He will happily stand up in front of a room of secondary kids and is not at all embarrassed when he can't find the words straight away.

[hazeyjane]

My dd started having a stammer around 2 and half years old, we waited a while to see if she would grow out of it,and then it started to upset her, and we noticed it more and more. She was referred to a SALT and we started the Lidcombe programme, which worked really well up to a point.The thing is it not a cure, it is a method of coping with the stammer, so we bring the techiniques back to square one, when she is going through a bad patch. Her SALT signed her off temporarily, because she felt she was getting too close to dd, and it wasn't helping with the therapy. She also felt that because dd's stammer would go in peaks and troughs (weeks of really bad stammering and then a few weeks of barely any stammer at all) it may be a good idea to wait until she starts school in September and get a different SALT involved, who can work with the school.

It is very hard because I do worry how she will be if people start making comments about it. She is a very confident girl, with a (bizarre!) imagination, and her SALT said she was very bright, I don't want any of that knocked out of her.

I think you need to get back in touch with your SALT, ours seemed to see the Lidcombe method, very much as a tool for us to use. She also talked about 'living with a stammer' rather than it being cured for good. My step father has a stammer, and has never made any attempt to get rid of it, he does a lot of public speaking, works in the theatre and runs classes, it is just part of him, and it has certainly never held him back.

I try and stay as calm as I can about it, because I feel that the more stressed I am about it, the more stressed she will be. I think the thing I liked about the Lidcombe method, was the matter of fact way, it described a word as 'bumpy' and that it taught dd the ability to be aware of it being bumpy, and make it smooth.

[25goingon95]

Thankyou all so much for your helpful supportive posts, can't tell you how much i appreciate them!!! I feel much better now!! :)

Hazeyjane, DDs stammer comes and goes too. Last week we had 4 almost perfect days!!! Then for the last few days it has been very "bumpy". The lidcombe also taught DD to be aware of the bumpys and change them but i worry that as she is very bright, she is VERY aware of bumpy talking and doesn't really believe me when i tell her it is no big deal...so i don't know wether to start the lidcombe again without telling her?? We used to call it special time and she knew it was about her speaking. Im wondering if i should start it again and just do the praising every now and then during it....also i was glad to read your SALT suggested waiting until she starts school. Like i said before i have it stuck in my mind that once they reach 5 there is no hope!! I feel so much better after hearing these stories on here. I know how you feel, my DD sounds much like yours and i don't want to see her being quiet and holding back because of this. We are just waiting for the SALT to get in touch.

Those who said it is not the end of the world if she doesn't grow out of it, i agree and have come across a few adults with stammers and haven't thought twice about it but i just worry for my DD, she is really quite sensitive and i don't want her to feel bad about this.

Fantastic to read of these children who still had stammers 5+ and grew out of them!!! Oh i feel much better. We have time yet to see this improve. I think DD is improving seeing as she is no longer getting stuck :) I pray it continues.

FridaKahlo - I hope your DD continues to improve and was very glad to read that about the age of 10!! Gives us a little longer..:)

Thankyou all again, i had a bit of a melt down last night have wanted to post for ages but knew how OTT i sound about it..but i have lots of lovely replies here, im so glad i posted :)

[ss00]

This is an old thread but would like to re-start it , my daughter 4 years old has the exact symptoms as mentioned in this post, she had blocks first and after 3 months of lindcombe therapy for sometime has prolongations - wwwwwwwwwwwhere are yyyyyyyyyyyyyyou ggggggggoing... i am at a loss and not sure how to help her....i think abt it at night as well... 25goingon95 if you dont mind can u share with me how your daughter is doing? i would really appreciate the response...