DD not going to party for bad behaviour

[couldtryharder]

Just wanted to say that I've finally actually carried out a threatened punishment and have phone my 5 year old's best friend to say that she's not coming to the party this afternoon. It's been a day of tantrum after tantrum, backchat and bad attitude. I felt I had no choice than to do what was threatened. Now I feel like a mean miserable mum. Mum thinks I did the right thing. Dad doesn't. Husband not here, but think he'd agree with me. Feel most badly for the best friend and her mum. This parenting thing is hard and I feel like I'm always getting it wrong .

[Goblinchild]

You may be miserable but you are not mean.
Did you give her a warning or six that the consequence of not improving her behaviour would be to cancel the party for her?
If you did, she made the choice, even though she's only five.
Never make a threat you aren't prepared to carry out and your teenager will be easier to live with.

[couldtryharder]

She had about 4 warnings in total but the not compliance with wearing a seatbelt was the last straw. Now we are both sitting here miserable. She's asking me when she can go to the party. I think she think's I'll change my mind. I shouldn't be allowed out either. I shouted at her really badly.

[Ilythia]

what goblin said, if you warned and didnt go through with it then that woudl be getting it badly wrong. This you handled just right.
Have a

[NotAnotherBrick]

I think you were right to carry through with a threat but I think you badly misjudged the right threat to choose because you've punished someone else as well .

[wannabeglam]

I think you're right to carry through a threatened consequence, just not sure this was the consequence you should have chosen. It's punishing the party girl as well, and she didn't do anything. The mother, as much as she might say she understands, will be cross as she's put a lot of work into the party for her daughter. I think the rule with consequences is they should only punish the person who has done wrong. Sorry, this isn't going to make you feel any better I know.

[Ilythia]

But the other child will still get a fun party.

When I was small the deal was we only went if we behaved, any transgressions meant no party/trip/whatever.

I was a very compliant teenager.

[grumpypants]

You have to carry through, but best to avoid punishing other children at the same time. And the parent, who will have paid for a place/ made up party bags/ catered etc. For this reason I never cancel outings involving other children.

[NotAnotherBrick]

I would have been gutted if my best friend couldn't attend my party. Usually we invite the people we want to celebrate our birthdays with, don't we? So if they're not there, it's going to be disappointing.

Far easier not to do threats and punishments/consequences in the first place. Read 'Unconditional Parenting' by Alfie Kohn for an alternative, less stressful (IMO and IME) way of parenting!

[couldtryharder]

Thanks Ilythia. I hear you NAB & wannabe. And yes, I feel worse now. What other punishments are apropriate? Confiscating toys doesn't seem to bother her or change behaviour. To be honest her tantrums have been going on for two and a half years now and just seem to be getting worse.

[Ilythia]

But how do you make it clear to your child that they cannot behave like a brat if there is an exception for trips/outings involving other people? Surely that is givging them carte blanche to misbehave before a party as they know you won't stop them going.

[Ilythia]

If I had been told DD1's best friend couldn't come to her party as she was being a madam I wouldn't have minded. WOuld have been a good warning to the other children to behave[evil]

[wannabeglam]

I agree with grumpypants

The 'other child' is a best friend, this will be very upsetting. The mother will have put a lot of work into this party and will be rightly peeved, especially as her child, who she's trying to make happy on her special day, will be upset.

[couldtryharder]

To be fair, best friend's mum and I have known each other several years and she know's how dd can be sometimes. I just think that I was stressed and chose the one thing that I knew meant something to her today. Her dad and baby brother are away today and tomorrow and I was really looking forward to a girls weekend with her.

[grumpypants]

Well you just do something else! I have explained to ds that we are not going to cancel a day out with godchild because that wouldn't be fair on godchild, but that he will not be watching a film/ using the PC/ whatever later on.

[catinthehat2]

you are still sending the present over?

[couldtryharder]

I like to think that if the situation was the other way round, I'd understand.

[couldtryharder]

Yes of course, the present will go to school on Monday.

[GrimmaTheNome]

not compliance with wearing a seatbelt was the last straw

Indeed. If she can't be trusted to do that, she shouldn't be suprised that she's got to stay home.

Don't beat yourself up about the other mum and friend - your DD might have taken her bad behaviour on to the party and spoilt it anyway.


Maybe you could do something with her now like make something special for her friend (cakes, artwork maybe) and drop it and the pressie round tomorrow?

[Sugarmuppet]

When I was about 6 I mis-bahaved and Mum cancelled our trip to the circus. :(

Yesterday (nearly 25 years on) we drove past a poster for the circus, she nearly burst into tears and said "rememeber that time..." she was so apologetic and said that she thinks about it loads and regrets not letting me go.

I hadn't thought about it since! (But now me, mum and DD are going to the circus!)

Don't beat yourself up about it, you need to make decisions based on how you feel at the time and move on. (unlike my poor mum!)

[NotAnotherBrick]

couldtryharder - try not to feel bad about today. We all make mistakes. Put it behind you and start afresh.

I would strongly suggest you read about ways of parenting that don't involved punishments and threats. We never do punishments and only do threats when I forget our principles of parenting! But my children are great - well behaved, polite, pleasant to be with. There's no need for punishing IME, but it's become such a huge part of our parenting culture that it's difficult to see how you parent without punishing.

I find that when I slip back into that culture myself, my children behave worse the more I do it - and they behave better the sooner I sort myself out and stop with the threats etc.

[wannabeglam]

NotAnotherBrick - what do you do? Genuinely interested.

[ragged]

In last few months I try hard to avoid punishments and threats with DS2 because they are ineffective with him.
Damned if I can remember what we're doing instead, now -- still threats when I feel like I have nothing left to resort to.
I remember now, I have to be very very unemotional with DS and explain a lot and give him twice as much time as I think is reasonable to respond and comply. When he picks up on other people's emotions he loses it totally, the being unemotional in my dealings with him is the biggest help.

I loathe Alfie Kohn book, btw. The Explosive Child has been a lot more useful to me.

[AntonDuBurk]

FWIW I think you did exactly the right thing. And if I were the other mum I would completely understand.

Have a chocolate biscuit :-)

[Goblinchild]

the being unemotional in my dealings with him is the biggest help.'

Ragged, that's how I deal with my own children, and with the disruptive or just PITA children in school.
You wouldn't want a teacher yelling and threatening your children, or suddenly punishing them for no apparent reason.
But given several warnings, given an awareness of the consequences and then acting on that premise isn't threatening in my book.
It's making them aware of the choices they are making and what they will lead to.
And then leaving the decision to them.