Advised termination due to complications

(26 Posts)

MNHQ have commented on this thread.

P120677 Wed 08-Jan-20 08:39:10

My results come in yesterday and unfortunately our baby has Down syndrome
We have decided that because of many factors inckuding that my parter has MS we can’t continue with pregnancy, we are heartbroken
I am going in for a medical termination
Does any one who has been through this please help and advise me what to expect I will be 15 weeks pregnant when I go in
I am
So scared

OP’s posts: |
Ruthsoph Wed 08-Jan-20 15:26:03

I a so sorry you are going throught this - we weny through the same in Nov
My daughter was 18 weeks with DS plus heart problems.
the hosp were fantastic - its a normal birth, they inserted spme tablets to start me off, you can have any pain relief you want. i had methodine syrup but this actually made me feel sick
i experienced labour pain and then my waters broke and she came out
we spent time with our daughter and had some photos taken, we also had ber blessed by a local vicar - the hosp took hand and foot prints
my only regret in the whole process is when she was born i didnt hold her as soo as she was born but waited for the nurse to bring her back in a shawl
The procedure isnt scary just heartbreakingly sad xxxx

clareykb Wed 08-Jan-20 15:27:49

I don't have any experience myself as our loss was neonatal but I volunteer for the charity Sands and you may well have a local group who could support you. There is also a national helpline x

User3billion Wed 08-Jan-20 17:03:04

This makes me really sad. I don't understand why you think having Down syndrome will make a child any more difficult to look after than a typical child. Perceptions of Down syndrome are really outdated & people living with the condition can lead amazing, happy, fulfilled and independent lives.

Ruthsoph Wed 08-Jan-20 17:41:30

It don’t think it would make them more “difficult” my daughter had mosaic Down syndrome which means some organs may be effected and signs were already shown in her heart - I didn’t want my daughter in and out of hospital for her sake and to ensure any suffering whatsoever - so we took her pain and gave it to ourselves

Cockw0mble Wed 08-Jan-20 17:45:12

I really don't think being critical of the OPs decision here is appropriate. She has said there are multiple factors, down syndrome is simply one aggravating factor. Use of 'advised' in the title suggests this is considered the best outcome by medical professionals...

So sorry you're going through this OP

NoMorePoliticsPlease Wed 08-Jan-20 17:47:53

User3billion you are being judgmental and showing a lot of naivety and ignorance. This is not the thread to make such a comment.


Conorgog Wed 08-Jan-20 18:25:13

We terminated due to DS after taking into account all updated information, including the spectrum the disorder can encompass and our own circumstances. I don’t regret our decision at all. Thinking of you OP.

Toooldtobearsed2 Wed 08-Jan-20 18:31:22

I think it is your choice. You know your situation best and for people with downs syndrome children to comment adversely is bloody wrong.
30 years ago I was told that DS could be downs. My sister was, she was fab, but I knew, that hand on heart, I would struggle. thankfully, all was well, but I would never, ever judge anyone for making the right decision for them.

I am so sorry OP, horrible news but do what is right for you.

foreverblessedbee Wed 08-Jan-20 18:41:49

I have not been in your oaericulqe situation op
But I do want to add that my baby has serious heart complications. I found out at the 20 week scan. I was offered medical termination multiple times. Despite my assurance to medics they continued to discuss this option with me at every appointment up until very late on in my pregnancy.
I really just wanted to say if you have made the decision that you believe is right for you and your partner, please do stare clearly that you no longer wish to discuss the alternative options. Even though it is a reverse situation I felt very pressured at my medical appointments. I just wanted to say i wish you all the best both now and in the future. Do what is right for you you and your own situation. My ds is 5 now. I was advised his complication was "incompatible with life". Sometimes you just have to do what is right for you , with what you believe in your heart. Xxx

User3billion Wed 08-Jan-20 18:42:03

People don't have "down syndrome children" they have children.

foreverblessedbee Wed 08-Jan-20 18:44:32

* I knew I wanted to keep my baby but termination was continually discussed. I just didnt want the reverse to be true for you. For you to know in your own mind and people attempting to dissuade you of your own mind.

Ginger1982 Wed 08-Jan-20 18:46:03

User3billion do you have a child who has Downs Syndrome?

Toooldtobearsed2 Wed 08-Jan-20 18:46:55

User3billion I am so sorry for that. It was a wrong thing to say.
My sister was downs. She was just my sister.
Genuine apologies.

YouJustDoYou Wed 08-Jan-20 18:52:34

@User3billion, take your judgement and go away.

User3billion Wed 08-Jan-20 19:05:10

I'm not judging but quite often people don't have all the information. ARC are completely biased towards terminating & refuse support to those who wish to continue.

Oftentimes people feel pressured to terminate when they don't want to. Why can't someone offer support from the other side?

HebeMumsnet (MNHQ) Wed 08-Jan-20 19:13:12

Evening, everyone.

We understand that discussions like this are emotive for many reasons. While all opinions are welcome on Mumsnet, in this case, it sounds like the OP has already come to what must have been a really difficult decision and she's asking for advice on what to expect on that journey, rather than on the decision she's already made.

If we could keep posts relevant to her original question, that would be great. It's of course fine to have a discussion about the surrounding issues elsewhere but we don't think a personal support thread is the best place for it. We hope everyone understands where we're coming from.

Thanks for your help.

Ginger1982 Wed 08-Jan-20 19:19:24

"Why can't someone offer support from the other side?"

Because the OP has already made her decision. Her question was about what to expect from the termination not whether she should actually have the termination itself.

P120677 Wed 08-Jan-20 21:06:09

Having read all of your replies I take every thing on board
It’s already been the toughest time of our lives
We started ivf process after being together for 17 years and no luck naturally
After 6 months of intense treatment through ICSI treatment we fell pregnant best news of our lives
We have had multiple scans that have revealed our baby has major heart and liver problems aswell as downsyndrome
My parter has MUltiple sclerosis
This has been the hardest decision and I do feel we are making the right desicion I wish this hadn’t happened
Please don’t judge me on some thing that has shattered our whole world

OP’s posts: |
Toooldtobearsed2 Wed 08-Jan-20 21:11:07

Oh Jesus, I am so sorry.

You need t make the dexisiom that is right for you and your partner, and b7gger what anyine else has to say !

As aid earler, I would have aborted, and I did not have to face the challenges you alreaey have.

Be kind to yourself xx

Binterested Wed 08-Jan-20 21:14:24

OP I had the exact same experience at 16 weeks. Awful. I was in shock. However I didn’t have any doubts about my decision to terminate which for me was very clear. I realise it’s not for everyone but it was for me. I had a medical termination - I think at Marie Stopes (it was many years ago now). I was very very grateful not to go through labour. The termination itself was pretty painless and “easy”. I cried for three months afterwards although I’ve never regretted my choice.

Fwiw I was pg again very quickly and DD was born within a year of the termination (she was prem) so life moved on very quickly for me.

It was a very very sad time but not one that has haunted me since. I really am recovered and happy and only really dwell on it when I read a story like yours and hope that my experience might bring you a little bit of comfort.

Ruthsoph Wed 08-Jan-20 21:39:22

@P120677 lots of love xxx

P120677 Wed 08-Jan-20 22:20:17

Thank you every one For your kind words
Life is very cruel some times x

OP’s posts: |
SylvanianFrenemies Thu 09-Jan-20 00:12:55

I am so sorry.

We were where you are one year ago.
I delivered my son at 18 week s.

Process was similar to that described by ruthsoph above. I had little pain, just period type cramps, probably because I had given birth twice before.

We spent time with our son, held him, and had him blessed. It was very comforting. We had him cremated with pictures of his sisters and with a little toy my mum crocheted.

1stbabs Thu 09-Jan-20 22:58:13

I'm so sorry this has happened to you OP. I had a tfmr and gave birth to my daughter at 19 weeks on 15th December 2019 so I know exactly what you are going through.

If you go the medical route it's just like a normal labour, except the midwife told me I only had to get to 4cm dilated. I had morphine, codeine and gas and air to get me through. The midwives took our baby away to be dressed before we saw her. We then spent as much time as we wanted with her before we left the hospital.

The hospital also made hand and footprints for us, and took loads of lovely photos of our baby girl. They also arranged a funeral free of charge, which was last week.

Please don't listen to anybody who has judged your decision. They have no idea what it feels like. Whatever decision you make is the right one for you.

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