7. 5 week termination has ruined me

[Knuckles123]

Sorry its long.
I'd like to share my story because I feel typing it out may help me and others. Please some may find my story upsetting, I know I do.
I'm married to a wonderful man for nearly 6 years we have had bright 5 year old boy who was unplanned. Because of my husbands job we move around a lot and we have been prepping for are biggest move to another country. We have always said 1 and done and had discussed if we were to find out I was pregnant we would abort.
4 weeks ago I found out I was pregnant (my pill had failed) now I thought I'd be bricking it or mad, I wasn't I was sort of excited. That took me aback a bit. I told my husband as soon as he got home from work. And he was super casual and said 'well we know what we are going to do anyways'. I smiled and went to lay down. I started having the most intense pain in my left side, it was unbearable. I rang the gp told them I had just found out I was pregnant and had pain, they sent me up to the hospital with a note stating suspected eptopic. Had blood test and smears and was there for a good 5 hours. Sent home with a appointment for the next day to take more bloods. My hormone levels were doubling as they should and booked me for a scan just in case for 2 days after. Now I was feeling very torn as I started imagining life with another child and enjoying pregnancy this time as I wasn't so young and daft as I was with my boy. But my husbands blaze' attitude completely threw me. I confessed that I wanted the child but understood the 101 reasons to why we shouldn't have another child right now. He was between 'i don't want another child, it's not the right time, and but if I wanted to keep it he'd support me.'
We both went the next day to the scan appointment. I was only a little over 5 weeks so all you saw was a egg sack no real fetus and it wasnt eptopic and was as far a healthy pregnancy. Once out of my appointment my husband said he thought maybe seeing it would change his mind but he had no feelings towards the pregnancy at all. This crushed me because that appointment confirmed to me in my mind that it's would all be ok and I'd continue. I just cried and cried. I was so conflicted, I love my husband so much and he provides everything for us and our son and adding another person he'd be financially responsible for was unfair I also had a really tough time carrying my son and suffered with pnd after for about 3 years. but also the choice was worst at a time I thought I would be easier to kill myself than make a decision. Do I keep the baby and risk my husband resenting me and us not be able to live comfortably or do I abort and risk my happiness and hope one day I could get over it. I knew if I chose abortion it was a high chance I'd become depressed but I never thought to this extent.
I wasn't able to book an appointment with the clinic for an abortion before as they thought I may be eptopic and need a gp to refer me. The next day after crying most the night I booked in for my abortion. They were unable to get me an appointment until 13 days later.
The weekend I had a wedding to attend where there were couples announcing pregnancies or those who were quite far gone relishing in the thought of their new babies. I hurt so bad all I wanted to do is tell everyone about my pregnancy but how would I follow it up? Oh but we're aborting it next week. I couldn't cope. All night I cried and for the next week. I knew what was the "right" thing to do but my heart was breaking. Then came my first abortion appointment my husband came with me. We had to wait so long in the waiting room. When I was called I told my husband to stay there. I didn't want him to know how emotional I really was about the whole situation. As I'd had a scan already I didn't need another to check how far I was. The nursed asked 100s of questions. I did a mrsa swab and a chlamydia swab. The whole time I was fighting back tears just wishing someone to say 'don't do it' or ' do you need more time'. That was it I was booked in for 3 days time to have more bloods drawn and to have me first pill. I cried every night. Then the day came. Again my husband was with me I allowed him in the room this time. I spoke to a few nurses they asked me if I knew the reason I was there and one handed me a tablet and I took it. I just welled up as I took it as I wasn't sure how I'd stop crying and they still had to Draw blood. I knew instantly this was the wrong choice for me. But it was too late. They tried taking my blood 3 times and failed. 1 hour later I was allowed to go home and was booked back in 2 days time. I knew once home that now my baby was dying inside of me and I had to walk around with it dying inside of me. I wanted to take my own life. I couldn't control my emotions. Everything made me upset. 24 hours after taking that first tablet I started cramping bad and spotting. This continued into the next day when I was due back at the hospital my husband was with me still. A nurse showed me into a private room and explained everything again. My blood was taken and I was handed 4 tablet 2 for each of my cheeks at 9:30. Once they both had dissolved I vomited quite violently. It was hideous, they advised walking around to help things going so I decided to go to the vending machine. I wasn't in much pain had some small clots (had to ring a buzzer everytime I passed something for them to check.) I sent my husband out to town to run some errands as nothing had really started happening and I wasn't in pain. Then at 12:00 I had passed large blood clots and felt a horrible whoosh down bellow. As I was cleaning myself up and finding a cover for the commode pot. I saw it my baby, it was so much bigger than I had imagined it was there pale and white with two little eyes and arms with fingers just forming and two little legs (it was about 7.5weeks). I stared at it for a while and cried i could bring myself to press the call buzzer at first. I placed the little covering over.and sat on the hospital bed and cried. I had text my husband to let him know and he rushed back as soon as he could. A little while after I passed huge masses of stuff this whole posses was relatively painless physically. Once my husband arrived I just cried and he held me. Then the cramping and pains began, I was in agony unable to take codeine they gave me oramorph, that didn't touch the sides. At 3:30 I was allowed to go home. I was in alot of pain. I wasn't sure what to do so I just layed down. I couldn't shake the sight of my little baby sat it that grey hospital pan no longer within me living and beating its heart. I crumbled. I could only think about that image and ending my life. That night I slept. The next day was extremely hard and my husband left for a 10 day trip for work. I am now 4 days after the fact and I've cried every day for hours. The pain is so bad I cannot see an end to it....
My husband had mentioned when we were weighing the pros and con (there were not may pros) that after our 3 years abroad to plan for a second child, the this is hes due a vasectomy on the 4th of July, but now I'm unsure. Obviously I want more children my reaction to loosing this child has destroyed me. But am I stupid for wanting another (in 3/4 years time) knowing how my husband feels. Do I ask him to cancel his surgery just incase he changed his mind. Am I just so full of regret after terminating this baby that I'm trying to make myself feel less guilty. Or do I truly want another child and am willing to do it 'properly' next time. Its literally the only thing that's given me hope through this whole process.

[bluebell34567]

very sad story. I think you need some counselling or meet other mums who had abortion.

[ginswinger]

I think you need a full and frank conversation with your DH too. I wish you well xx

[Burnsy3000]

So sorry. I have no first hand experience of abortion but I agree with bluebell above that you should seek counselling from a professional who can help you

[Devonishome1]

Oh dear,very sad. I’m so sorry.

[Slumberparty]

What an awful experience, I'm sorry for your loss. Hope you're feeling a little better. Do you have a close friend to confide in or maybe consider some counselling