ambivalent

[Featherweather]

Hi girls/mums

I am 42 and got pregnant at first try. Boyfriend is 49 andwe have been dating for 7 months. We have been talking about babies before and back then I thought I wanted a child, but when I found out I told him in a weepy voice. I did one more Sainsburys test, that was positive, too, and did 2 more at the doctors, positive, too, and I missed my period, too. When the test showed negative first, I was relieved, when they turned positive I felt aggravated.

I love babies, the smaller the better. I love toddlers, too.

My only problem is I would have wanted to spend more commitment free time with boyfriend and not become a mum so fast.

Boyfriend wants the baby very much and I think he would be a good father. We dont have a lot of money. <br /> My own relationship with my mum wasnt ideal, she had abortions which I judged and I used to say I would never have one, and now it is in the back of my mind.
I am afraid I will be a mum like mine was and I also feel that it is too early in the relationship, even if it may be my last chance biologically.

I told my boyfriend how I felt, he keeps reassuring me that he would help a lot and not leave me alone with the baby, he wants it.

If I decide not to keep it, I might lose boyfriend, I think, if I go ahead with it, I might do what Ive always done all my life, consider others first, not what I want. I may be in a situation that I did not want and have to carry it on for at least 20 years.<br /> <br /> I also never thought I would want a termination. I dont even kill spiders.

I should feel happy, I think the ideal situation is to feel happy when someone is growing inside you. When I wake up, I always feel as if wake up to a reality that I am not happy with.
I feel so selfish. I feel I am not able to concentrate on somebody else for the rest of my life. This boyfriend is my first ever nice boyfriend, previously I had only short and impossible relationships.

I do have lighter moments when I can actually imagine having a baby and even being happy about it, and thinking termination is OUT OF THE QUESTION. Then, starting in the afternoons, the "no" side creeps up and culminates in calling BF telling him how I feel.

I wrote to an analyst I know but he hasn`t come back to me yet.

Thanks for listening.

[GreedyDuck]

Maybe you should ask to have this moved to the 'pregnancy choices' section?

Bit insensitive to post it in 'antenatal tests' where a lot of posters are worrying about the fact that they've been given shitty odds on their much wanted babies being healthy/surviving.

I hope you make the right decision for you (and your possible future child) having a baby at any age is a life changing decision, but may turn out to be the best thing you've ever done. I became a parent aged 40 and, whilst I still mourn my old life occasionally, I wouldn't change it for the world. Although I was in a stable relationship, and financially secure, it still came as a shock when it happened.

Do you have many friends with children who you can talk to about the reality of being a parent? It's all very well liking babies/toddlers, but they don't stay that way for long. Is your relationship stable enough to survive? Single parenthood is very tough, but easier if you have a strong support network and money.

[Featherweather]

Thank you GreedyDuck.

My apologies to the readers of antenatal tests. I will remove the post.

Have a good day

xxx