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just had a confirmation for downs syndrome

(78 Posts)
fire77 Wed 22-Aug-12 04:23:26

Dear all
i just wanted some advice or maybe just for someone to listen and not judge. Having been for a CVS after being given a greater then 1:2 odds for T21 i had this confirmed this afternoon. This is my first pregnancy and i am 34 (35 in dec). I feel numb and tortured because i know i am going to go ahead with a termination of a very much wanted child but only because i dont feel strong enough to cope with a child with downs syndrome. To say i feel wretched is an understatement. My thoughts flit from one minute thinking its the right thing to do to then thinking i have been blessed with a much wanted pregnancy only to terminate it because this baby isnt good enough. In my heart of hearts i know i am doing the right thing but i am struggling to cope. I feel at almost 35 i will be much older and the likelihood of having another child after this that is healthy and not affected with T21 is higher. I am also scared of going through a termination ( i am 14 weeks and thought the CVS was bad enough).
Please could anyone out there offer me any advice or comfort as i feel i have no one to talk to?

missymoomoomee Wed 22-Aug-12 13:53:08

Fire my heart is breaking for you. Given this new information I really think you are doing the right thing for your little boy. My daughter (unknown to us) had a genetic condition, we didn't discover until she was born, she was in pain for her whole short life and we had to switch her life support off at 2 weeks and it was hideous. I know if I had the information sooner, as much as I adored my little girl, I would have had a termination to save her that pain and trauma. We had genetic counselling and its very helpful. I suggest taking a recording device and also making a list of every question that pops into your head beforehand as your mind will go blank when you are there . I am so so sorry that this is happening to you and my thoughts are with you xxx

23balloons Wed 22-Aug-12 13:54:49

My thoughts are with you. I hope the you can recover in time and conceive again. I know it is emotive but I would do the same as you and I too have a relative with ds and it has placed great pressure on everyone in the family.

brettgirl2 Wed 22-Aug-12 14:10:04

OP so sorry. Tbh the diagnosis of Patau stops it being a choice I think. Downs is an entirely different situation.

OhDoAdmitMrsDeVere Wed 22-Aug-12 14:24:38

Why hasnt that vile post been removed.

I am so sorry you ate facing this fire

Brett is right. Patau's is a very, very serious condition.

I don't know what to say to you other than I wish you didn't have to cope with this. Take care

realnappiesmum Wed 22-Aug-12 14:31:31

Fire77, I am so sorry to hear this news. My heart goes out to you.

missymoomoomee Wed 22-Aug-12 14:32:27

Ohdo I got a message after reporting to say that they agree its in very poor taste but they don't really delete posts on the grounds of being innappropriate and that they see she has apologised and hope in future she will be more mindful. IMO Kate should ask for it to be removed though especially as she has since said she admitted she shouldn't have said it.

draftingtowardsobscurity Wed 22-Aug-12 14:37:45

Whilst I agree that Kate could have worded her post in a slightly more sensitive manner, why should her post be removed? Because she disagrees? Because she isnt coming on here to say 'whatever you decide is the best decision'? Musnet, IME has been a place for candid and honest opinions, and this section of the forum should be no exception......

pumpkinsweetie Wed 22-Aug-12 14:39:55

Sorry to hear of your news, whatever you decide is best for you.
But having a downsyndrome child in my family, beautiful little girl, lovely personality and such a lovely child to be around please really think before you decide for sure.
It will be a hard road ahead no matter which route you take.
Maybe you could find more about downs before you make a decision-most live relatively happy lifes aslong as their is no heart defects etc.

Bestwishes and hugs x

0lympia Wed 22-Aug-12 14:44:00

I hope you're not beating yourself up. ONe of my children has autism, and I have nothing but admiration for women who acknowledge their own limitations and human frailities. It is honest and it is not a criticism of anybody else's child. 35 is not old.


EightiesChick Wed 22-Aug-12 14:45:03

What a difficult situation to be in. Wishing you lots of strength to deal with it all.

newbie6 Wed 22-Aug-12 14:45:37

I just wanted to say my heart goes out to you and I think you are being exceptionally brave. I hope you are getting all the support you need and for what it is worth, irrespective of anyone's opinion, the ONLY opinion that matters is yours, you do what you feel is right as I truly believe your instincts don't let you down. No one knows you as much as you know yourself and what is important is that you love your baby and whether your wee boy has been with you for a short time or a long time, you will always know you loved him during that time and that is something to treasure forever xxx

Northernlurkerisonholiday Wed 22-Aug-12 14:48:11

Can I APPEAL for people in this case to READ THE WHOLE THREAD before giving their view.

Very sadly the OP has discovered that her baby has another, very serious, genetic problem. This thread isn't just about Downs Syndrome now - and even if it were I think that actually it's best to follow the OP's lead. If they ask for stories of what posters have seen in their own families and friends' families then fine. But otherwise it's probably best to keep those anecodotes out of the very painful and difficult decision the OP faces. She decides for her family and can't base that on what others have done. To push others stories only risks making this a harder place for her to be and that's not needed right now.

pumpkinsweetie Wed 22-Aug-12 14:52:37

Well said Northernlurker, i realised to after re-reading that there is more serious complications with ops baby so im very sorry for anything i posted earlier as it is irrelevent and won't help op.

Hugs op, my thoughts are with you at this heartbreaking time xxx

Springhasarrived Wed 22-Aug-12 14:55:33

Fire, no advice, just wanted to say you sound very brave and seem to have properly thought it through.

I know I would make the same decision in your shoes as I had a baby at 36 and went through all the tests. It doesnt make it easy though.

Very good luck for the future x

rainonmyparade Wed 22-Aug-12 15:07:43

I would do exactly the same as you OP, in your situation. You are in my thoughts. x

DuelingFanjo Wed 22-Aug-12 15:25:35

Sorry to hear that you have had more bad news re the pregnancy and just to let you know that I would also do the same in your position. There is lots of support for you here.

I would suggest to anyone not wanting to support that choice but wanting to continue to discuss their opinion that they maybe post in ethical dilemmas which was set up for discussions like that.

draftingtowardsobscurity I would suggest that this section should be an exception and the link I have posted provides a place for you to be candid and honest without causing distress to those who are in the middle of making difficult decisions.

rhetorician Wed 22-Aug-12 15:33:51

northernlurker - you are so right; I was going to post one thing in relation to the original post, but having read the whole thread, it's not appropriate to the new situation, so I think all I can do is to offer my sympathies and to echo what others have said - it's a horrible time, and I feel for you OP.

I posted on here over a year ago and like this OP someone decided to make an unthought out and rather cruel comment; I agree that this is a good place to discuss things, but it's a question of tone and approach. However, I note the apology, but agree that poster should ask for that particular post to be deleted.

I would do exactly the same as fire faced with the same information.

OhDoAdmitMrsDeVere Wed 22-Aug-12 15:34:16

Well said northern and duelling

draftingtowardsobscurity Wed 22-Aug-12 15:39:37

Might I suggest mumsnet put some wording to that effect on the header of this section like aibu does?

draftingtowardsobscurity Wed 22-Aug-12 15:49:55

And Duelling, would you say this applies to all posts here? Even if the OP specifically asks for an opinion on ethics, I'm thinking eg a previous post where the thread title was 'thinking of a termination, is it ever right?'.

I think it should be made clear that the people posting here are in need of comfort and support, not judging or questioning.
These types of decisions are hell on earth, it's the last thing anyone needs to read.

HumphreyCobbler Wed 22-Aug-12 15:55:09

Hello. I terminated a much wanted baby due to Patau's syndrome. We found out at our 20 week scan. I am so sorry that you are having to go through this. If you have any questions please feel free to pm me.

DuelingFanjo Wed 22-Aug-12 15:59:50

"Even if the OP specifically asks for an opinion on ethics"

I think, if a poster starts a thread in this section about the ethics of abortion or ante-natal testing then it would be correct to move that thread into the ethical dilemma section.

If they were to ask a question about ethics on a thread where someone is asking for support re Testing or results then I think that's crass and unhelpful and has no place in a thread of that nature.

but I don't want to derail this thread by continuing to discuss it.

freshfruitsalad Wed 22-Aug-12 17:13:01

Very sorry to hear your news, patau sounds awful for baby and a question of termination would be easy, the outlook appears so bleak sad

Northernlurkerisonholiday Wed 22-Aug-12 18:46:02

I agree with your view Dueling. This section has been helpful in 'protecting' women facing very hard situations and it should be above all 'safe'.

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