What the hell is wrong with me?

[Asia88]

I remember being more or less unhappy for big chunks of my life since early childhood. My extremely abusive father (both physically and mentally) and perverted cousin had something to do with it, but also the on and off bullying I got at school and almost chronic struggle with making and maintaining friendships.

I don't want you to think my life has been overall pathetic though. I have always been very ambitious and a high achiever, a junior national champion in running, with good grades at school across the board, learnt another language fluently, modelled for a short while, migrated for uni and in the end got a first class degree.

So on the surface I look like an attractive, successful well balanced professional... Yet I've been pushing hard always trying, but in the process being more & more unhappy.

I feel I've been chasing some dream of the perfect me, holding myself to high standards but experienced increased rejection from people I cared about in the process and under appreciation for all that I've done as a friend, lover and just cruelty that I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy.

I am not going to write out my entire life's story but it has all been rather traumatic on me inside.

I feel like all I ever wanted and done was to get appreciation, respect in a form of a loving partner, a fun group of friends. But that is one thing that I could never get in life.

It makes me so depressed that the 3 former partners I really loved don't even talk to me now and I know they are of the view that I'm crazy/psycho/controlling weirdo. I feel I gave these guys all my heart and they just didn't care at all and don't care now. All my behaviours were caused because I genuinely loved them so much it hurts me that I'm viewed with no compassion, as if I'm not even a real person just some label. I'm someone they don't think about for a second in their day to day lives (happy with new girlfriends as far as I can see on social media) and if they do by mistake they probably articulate a quite "good riddance!"

And now on top of that I've also managed to loose a handful of friends I had locally. I stopped talking to some of them, one in particular because she was always deliberately putting me down - duh I should have known better I didn't have such luxury as to pick and choose even if others are vile to me , as now I'm completely on my own.

I try to make connections with people all around me suggesting get togethers, lunches, starting random chats here and there. I'm like bloody Teflon - nothing sticks! I always make the effort to be an entertaining conversationalist, I am NEVER negative as here - it's like a bloody curse or something.

I told some small part this to my own mum who said "ah yeah because you are unpleasant" I'm like seriously WTF - what? I'm really trying my best here why do people think that of me and treat me like that!?! I try to smile at strangers, engage in small talk, do everything right. When I love people or friends with them I give my all. I don't know what more I can do and what the hell is wrong with me.

Please don't say "just relax" because I did just that last year and this just resulted in me continuing to have no friends outside my current partner.

Am I some inherently shitty person that 80% who come across me think I'm not worth the time? Or that I'm "unpleasant" or mean?

Duh I even had it on this forum where I asked a question about something and half of the respondents accused me of attention seeking and enjoying the situation.

I don't know what to do anymore. I don't enjoy anything and I don't feel motivated for anything I keep pushing but it's all so frustrating because I don't even know what I'm pushing for. It just became about sitting it out at work from 9-5 paying the bills and watching some Netflix.

I don't know what to do anymore.

[Asia88]

Yep of course no reply - I don't know what I expected really. People who read it probably thought "what a lunatic" and moved on. Story of my life.

[Toomuchnoise97]

Hi OP

You have posted this in the antenatal and postnatal depression, you may get more responses and traffic if you ask for your post to be moved to relationships?

I think you can report your own post and ask for it to be moved.

HTH

[Asia88]

Hi toomuchnoise thank you - I wasn't sure where to post :(