Ashamed of having PND

[mistyblue79]

Hi,

Please forgive the long post.

Having struggled to cope (not so much with baby, but with everything else), I saw my doctor yesterday, who diagnosed PND. I was prescribed Sertraline (sp?) and advised to speak to a local group who support people with depression, anxiety and stress.

I think my PND has been caused by a number of factors. I had an mc, which affected me badly, three months before I got pregnant with DD. For the first 12 weeks, I was so anxious in case I mc'd again. Then, as I am almost 35, I was worried about complications because of age, then I was diagnosed with gestational diabetes, which led to a (traumatic) induced labour, in which I lost a lot of blood. Then, having been advised to bf, I found my milk supply was low and I got no support at the hospital or from the community midwives, so switched to formula, as DD was screaming with hunger. I thought I had dealt with the guilt of this, but I still feel bad when medical people look down their noses at me for formula feeding. On top of this, we have struggled to sell our house (too small with a baby), so decided to rent it out. All of this has fallen to me to sort out. As well as this, we are buying a bigger property and, once again, liaising with the solicitor/ agent etc and getting ready for the move, as well as caring for DD, has fallen to me to sort out because 'I am better at it'.

I agreed to the meds because the doctor told me the best option was medication and counselling together, but I really don't want to take anti-depressants. Ironically, worrying about taking them is making me feel worse!
I have to go back to the doctor in a couple of weeks for a progress update, but I am very worried about it. I feel like if I speak to the counsellors, I will be perceived at work (going back after mat leave in the spring) and by my friends/ family as unable to cope. I'm even more worried that my HV will think I'm not coping and take DD away from me. DD is the ray of sunshine in my otherwise grey world and I dread to think what would happen to me and her if they took her away. The reason I am so concerned is that the doctor was asking me if the HV was happy baby was ok, which I interpreted as her saying ' you're not looking after her'. She is my absolute priority and I want to get better for her.

I have told DH to not tell anyone about the PND - my family would only worry/ suggest I wasn't coping. I was brought up to believe that depression isn't real (I know it is) and that people use it 'willy nilly' to describe any situation that makes them sad. I know none of this is true.

I have to admit that I am ashamed of being depressed. Every other new mum I have met seems to be coping so well and I am seemingly falling apart. I have even thought that the reason DH wanted me to go the doctor was because he wants DD to himself and wants me out of the picture. I can't even see that it was because he was worried about me.

I am at a loss - I don't want to take the meds or talk to a counsellor really. I just want to feel better. I feel stupid though - if I had a headache, I would happily take a paracetamol to sort it out. I just worry that, if I start taking the anti-depressants, I will never come off them and I will be viewed as unemployable (do you have to declare depression on medical questionnaires for work?) or people will somehow know about the meds and will think bad things about me.

Sorry again for the long post. Has anyone else felt like this? I feel I was prescribed the medication as an 'easy option' xx

[CoffeeBucks]

Oh you poor thing.

I didn't want to read & run & I am sure someone will be along with advice soon. There is nothing to be ashamed of.

[ExtraVolume]

I would ask your dh to take over some specific tasks, you might be better at whatever it is but he can do it too if he steps up.

Being anxious that some professional will take dd away is a symptom of your issues. HVs do not take babies away. The best outcome for children is to stay with their biological parents, that is why even parents with drug problems get support.

PND can get better and then you won't need to declare it to anyone as you won't have it anymore. Best way to get better is try everything offered to you, for dd's sake. Chatting to others who have had/have it really helps as they 'get it'. You will find that some of those new mums you see are not managing either.