Need support desperately

[Justwanttobehappy08]

Hi, I'm new to Mumsnet and although I have friends and a lovely husband that I can talk to I really feel as though I need support in another more anonymous setting. I feel incredibly anxious and upset and have been experiencing irrational and highly intrusive thoughts which are worrying me. Just to give a bit of background I am 9 weeks pregnant after years of trying and all the heartache that comes with that. This is where I will get flamed but here goes: 4 years ago I had a later term abortion that still haunts me to this day. It was incredibly traumatic and awful because of the circumstances surrounding it. I very stupidly made the biggest mistake of my life and slept with another man. I then had to confess to my husband and we had a horrific time going through prenatal DNA testing etc and ultimately it turned out to be the other persons. I had what can only be described as a complete breakdown and was signed off work for 6 months as well as being on anti d's. I had intensive one on one counselling after the termination and myself and my husband went to relate. Amazingly he decided to stand by me and things have got better ever since and I feel now as though we have a very strong and loving relationship despite the past. So now I am pregnant which we are so pleased about but for the last few days I have felt horrific. Things keep playing around in my mind and I'm also convincing myself that it may not be my husbands which I know sounds mad. I keep thinking we will have to go through the same process and these thoughts are playing around in my brain whilst I'm at work and to be honest are stopping me from functioning. How can I combat this? I am meeting with my midwife next week and intend to be fully honest about how I've been feeling but it's so strange as this has only come on over the last few days. For the first few weeks after the positive result I was so happy. We have also had an early scan and I was so pleased that all was well. I'm very distressed by these thoughts as I know there is no logical basis behind them.

[Cooki3Monst3r]

Hi OP. I'm so sorry you're feeling this way. What you've been through sounds horrendous. A terrible burden to live with.

It's perfectly normal to be feeling up and down and sideways during early pregnancy. When I found out I was pregnant with my first, I went in to shock and denial for a few days. I didn't want to tell anyone, wouldn't celebrate with DH, kept panicking I'd made the wrong decision. This was with a planned and wanted pregnancy! I went in and out of depressive thoughts for the whole of the first trimester. All was fine after that.

Try to stay calm. Just remind yourself it's your hormones sending you crazy and bringing all this stuff up. Do tell your MW all about it and hopefully she can sort you out.

How are you feeling generally? Tired? Sick? If you've got any nasty symptoms that won't be helping either. Look after yourself - make sure you're getting enough sleep. x

[Justwanttobehappy08]

Thanks so much for your response. Symptoms wise I am struggling: I've had some insomnia and have been feeling so tired whilst at work. luckily no sickness as yet! I think I'm just scared of getting depressed again and it feels like it's looming...I try and stay calm as much as I can but I have had a few tearful episodes this week. I feel as though I need time out from work but I think that would be the worst thing to do as it would give me more time to analyse and dwell on the past. I'm exausted with it all and just so fed up of feeling guilty and full of shame. All I wanted was to enjoy this pregnancy and it feels like the past will continue to haunt me, to the point that I'm starting to question my babys paternity which is just completely irrational as I have not and would never again cheat. I think it's just trauma resurfacing again.

[Justwanttobehappy08]

I think I just want to feel like I have piece of mind again and that I deserve to be pregnant as much as anyone else. I hate the fact that I have had the abortion and the circumstances in which it came about and I just don't want it to feel so raw. I felt generally ok before I fell pregnant and I don't want to fall apart again.

[Cooki3Monst3r]

I'm sure it's a mix of everything making you feel so shit. Pregnancy tiredness is a bitch. And the hormones. Yuck.

But, as I'm sure you've realised, you need to learn to live with your past actions. I don't know how to do that but I guess counselling would be a good start. Your new DC is bound to be a constant reminder to you about your termination. So trying to live with your decisions and move on is something you need to try and put to bed before DC arrives.

Can you talk to DH about how you're feeling?

[N1982]

Just to say hormones in pregnancy can really play games with your mind. Definitely mention to GP and midwife and get the support available. They are there to help

[MorrisZapp]

Look, it's a fine balance here. On one hand, you may find that your feelings lift naturally as things progress. But on the other, if you don't seek help you risk tipping over into a dark episode.

I know it's easy for others to say don't feel guilty. Us women excel at guilt and if it wasn't one thing, it would be another.

Ante natal depression is a very real thing, and is treatable. Please don't suffer in silence. Tell your mum, or a friend. I know it's hard but try to be honest with hv, gp etc.

They honestly won't judge. They see emotional women all day every day and it's their job to help.

Keep chatting xx

[Justwanttobehappy08]

Feeling today like I can't go through with this pregnancy. im in a mess, I know I haven't cheated on my husband but I keep thinking I have and the baby isnt is and that I will have to go through a paternity test again. I honestly feel like im going mad and can't stand another 30 weeks of feeling like this (im 10 weeks today) I cant live with all of the guilt and shame from the past which I thought I had dealt with. I know when I conceived so I don't understand why I feel like this?? its completely irrational.

[Justwanttobehappy08]

I don't feel as though I'm functioning at work or at home and am starting to feel detached from this pregnancy. This is despite feeling so happy when we got the positive test and for a few weeks after. The irrational thoughts have started in the last week or so and it's almost like I'm reinacting the past I genuinely can't stand it.

[N1982]

Please believe me that I've been bombarded with irrational thoughts about my 17 month old since I was 5 weeks pregnant. Everyone says it's erratic pregnancy hormones which can REALLY mess with your head. These thoughts are so upsetting but we have to fight them till our hormones settle down hopefully in second trimester. I can't stress how much pregnancy hormones affect some women mentally. Please speak to your midwife and/or. GP ASAP as I did x

[Cooki3Monst3r]

OP I'm going to let you in to a little secret, which in hindsight is quite comical. Obviously it wasn't at the time!!

When I was in the very early stages of pregnancy with DC1, I kept having nightmares and day-time panics about the baby coming out the 'wrong' colour. In my head I was thinking about the stories you hear of genetic 'throw backs' to a long-forgotten ancestor of different ethnicity meaning two white parents give birth to a black baby.

Anyway, I was convinced that this was entirely possible and likely and although I would, obviously, love my baby entirely and completely, what would other people say! No one would believe me that the baby belonged to DH!

I confided in DH one day really wanting him to say something along the lines of "if we have a black baby, I'll know it's mine and we'll love him/her all the same and everyone else can get f*cked". But, instead, he looked mortified/confused/shocked and asked me if I was trying to tell him something. At which point I burst in to inconsolable tears. This was in Waitrose!!

Oh... and then there was the middle of the night breakdown following the nightmare about having triplets. I believe my exact words to DH were "twins I can almost get my head round. But triplets... what the hell am I supposed to do with triplets... I've only got two boobs!!!"

I realise your feelings are more serious than this. And you need to get to that MW ASAP - when's your appointment? Can you get one sooner? But my point is... you must hang in there. This will pass - you might need help, but it will pass.

Have you told DH how you're feeling yet?