8 weeks pregnant and feeling very low

[Sencho]

Hi, this is my first ever post, I'm feeling nervous. I'm 8, nearly 9 weeks pregnant with my first baby. However the road to this point has been complicated, I'm trying to work out why I am feeling the way I do - I desperately need to some help because I feel as though I am going insane.

4 years ago I fell pregnant and had a termination. At the time it was a shock and traumatic because I'd only know the father for 12 weeks, I'd started a new job and my colleagues were unfriendly with lots a job pressure, I felt financially stretched and the father lived 5000 miles away in another country. I was terrified, paniced and had a termination. 2 days after this I collapsed at work with my first ever full blown anxiety attack. This spiralled into full blown depression, grief and regret. I had to see a counsellor. 2 years after this said father of terminated baby left me out of the blue- he had his owns mental health issues, it was abusive. The key point was that the termination and that relationship tipped my world. I have never been the same in terms of anxiety. I can suddenly have days of extreme anxiety for seemingly no reason.

Fast forward to now - I now have a loving and caring partner. He's my world. We have just bought and moved into a new house. The move was in August and the house needed more work than we envisaged. The house is currently in chaos (holes in ceilings, every wall needs replastering). Since my anxiety disorder started 4 years ago I need my immediate environment to be calm and orderly to feel stable mentally. It is not - we are short of money and my partner works away all week. The house is driving my crazy.

We tried for a baby - eventhough I was very scared due to my past. THe whole idea of pregnancy holds trauma to me - I get flashbacks to the termination clinic, it reminds me of very traumatic times. We got pregnant on first try, despite me being 38. And now I am on a whole time anziety ridden mania. I cry constantly, I am utterly gripped with fear that I won't be able to be a good mother, I am suffocated by thoughts that I will make my child depressed through my own issues, I'm scared I'll go crazy, I'm scared of more panic attacks. I can't relax at home because the place is a mess. Eventhough deep down I want this baby I feel no excitement or happiness. I'm caught in a web of feeling like I want to run away and not be pregnant. Sometimes I am disgusted with myself that I chose one baby to go and this baby to live. I feel I will be a dreadful partner and that my boyfriend will eventually crack and leave.

In one way I feel this baby may be the making of me because of the past, in another I feel dread that after 4 years of crawling back up the steepest hill mentally I have ever had to climb, I might have put myself back down at the bottom. My anxiety is raging - heart rate up, smallest things overwhelm me, can't feel happy about anything.

My best friend keeps telling me this is early pregnanct hormones - I've had severe nausea and been signed off work for 3 weeks now. I'm terrified it is more than that. Please help. I feel so hopeless and sad when I feel I should be feeling happy.

[Goosey11]

Hi. Severe morning sickness (hyperemisis) is enough to make even the strongest person feel low, coupled with all the extra stress and worry you have I think you should talk to your midwife and gp and be totally honest about how you're feeling. There is help and support. Not everyone feels an overwhelming sense of jubilation in the early weeks of pregnancy so don't feel guilty. Xx

[liverygirl]

hey honey - don't usually comment on anything but couldn't pass you by. first of all, take a deep breath. you've been through some horrific times but remember, you made it, you're still here and no doubt learned much about yourself and others around you. forgive yourself, you did what you thought was right at the time, thats all anyone can do.

now you've now found someone that makes you happy and you are building towards something that will be the making of you both. he sounds like a good guy - talk to him about getting one room finished so you get a wee haven to relax in and escape to and why thats so important to you? i think it takes experience of the best and worst of times to be able to help steer your child through life and give them advice. they need parents who love them and will have fun with them - they won't really care about dodgy skirting boards or bumpy plaster!

im 34 (7 months along with my first) and seen some awful times too. had bad anxiety and depression, still do occasionally - the hormones didn't help at the start. i found that when i got to the 2nd trimester though, coping got a lot easier. but the way im getting through is telling my other half whats going on in my head when its happening. if i don't, it can brew into something nastier and its even harder to deal with and share. he needs to know whats going on to support me when i need it, and a genuine cuddle can make the world of difference to me. i also told the midwife my history and she told me to keep her informed as there are things you can safely take to help get you through. its nothing to be ashamed of. you know your triggers so act on them and ask for help when you need it.

give yourself a break, look forward to better times and hang in there sweetie, we all deserve to be happy. good luck xxx

[Sencho]

Hi, thank you for replying. I'm definitely going to talk to my midwife next week. My partner is great and I tell him everything - I feel terrible for him just now. All I do is sob, cry and complain. I'm still nauseous every second of every day and my weight is dropping. So I'm also physically exhausted eventhough I am signed off work and have had enough sleep. Some days I can barely face being around anyone which is hard for those around me - I just don't want this to develop into depression - I've been there before and it scares me to death. I've bought some relaxation CD this week and I'm going for hypnotherapy to try to calm my nerves. It was really kind of you all to reply - thank you.