PND-is this thought pattern normal?

[mrsspaniel]

Hello all,
I think i am coming to the end of a nasty bout of PND, was diagnosed when my lo was 6 weeks old and started on citalopram, which i am still on.
However, chatting to my GP recently i mentioned that i feel as if i have had a baby who i gave birth to, but was awful and we disliked eachother, and that "bad" baby has gone back/died/disappeared and i have been given my lo, who i know is my baby genetically, and who i adore, but i can't seem to link my baby as the one i carried/gave birth to...not even when i see birth photos etc!
My GP seemed a bit surprised, and mentioned they have never heard that analogy before...!
Does anyone else have experience with this or is it something that I should be alarmed about?
Thank you for reading
Xx

[Mhysa]

I think that's a great analogy, exactly how I have felt with all 3 DCs, but didn't know how to put it. Coming out the other side, it feels like day one again, doesn't it? And, yes, I don't recognize the baby in the photos, almost feels like a stranger
I think that's why I get so broody at times, I feel like I'm mourning that child in a way, I don't feel I have ever had a newborn to enjoy, I have felt robbed of those first few months/ year x

[MorrisZapp]

That's exactly what I feel. I love my DS, but I don't associate him with the horrors of the early days. In my mind, it was a different child. I still feel slightly aggrieved that the hospital expected me to take him home and look after him round the clock. Why should I have to do that? Can't somebody else bloody do it?

The first day home was the worst day of my life. I remember him waking me up in the night and realising where I was and why - and that there were no lovely nurses on call :(

I'm all smiles now, nearly three years later, but I still have my moments. I think your mind pattern sounds typical of PND, glad to hear you're much better now x

[Mhysa]

I think not associate our DCs with that awful time eg, that child died or disappeared is a healthy way to handle PND, IMO. Otherwise, surely we would harbour some resentment towards our LO for that pain and trauma. I think the way your feeling is healthy OP, not something to be alarmed about x

[mrsspaniel]

Oh thank you so much for your replies-it makes me feel so much better that other women understand. I do feel a bit of envy/jealousy when i see my friends with a wee newborn as i feel my lo's life has began at 4 months.

However i think its good to remember that the newborn stage isnt all cuddles and lovely, we sometimes romanticise that stage and forget about mood swings, sleep deprevation, wound healing and leaky boobs! The reality is very tough
Xx

[mylove81]

I am so glad I stumbled across this post - I cant explain to anyone how PND actually felt/feels. My DD is now 14 months old and I feel like I am over the worst of it however still get sad/down/depressed every now and then. When I look back at her first 6 I dont remember much at all and I think I am going though the moarning process for that right now - my cousin recently had a baby girl also and I feel (I dont know if jealous is the right word) but she looks so like my DD when she was born its a really funny situation, Im so happy for her but cant bear to go see her!

[BotBotticelli]

So Glad to have seen this thread. Well, not glad you're feeling like this OP, but glad that you've really hit the nail on the head for how I feel too.

My DS is 7mo and I am just about starting feel ok. Anything before 4.5/5 months just feels like a hideous nightmare. And I struggle to reconcile the little boy who smiles at me now and giggles when I tickle him, with the screaming colicky, breast-feeding-fail newborn who sent me over the edge :(

[cupcake78]

Very normal for PND but not at all nice! I honestly didn't see me ds as mine till he was 6mths old. Before then he was a mistake, an inconvenience. How could a baby of such a young age be so calculating and be purposefully trying to break me. I didn't want him and could have seriously given him away but only to someone who could do a better job. I would look at other people's children and like them more. It began to turn around 6 mths in.

He's now 5 and I can't imagine not having him!

I now have PND with dd and its early days but although when times are tough I wonder if I've made the biggest mistake of my life having her I don't feel the same as I did with ds.