to think my DH is a moody, unreasonable twat

[adriennemole]

Trying again this time with a title
(thanks for anyone who replied to my untitled post)

Ok so some background info, I'm a SAHM, three DC two primary age and a 1 year old with SN. We are by no means well off but manage ok and have money for extras now and again. DH works late and is away sometimes.

Today I was talking with a friend about trying to get the housework done and mentioned how I could do with a day or weekend to myself have a sort out and a proper clean but it's a struggle with busy weekends, DH's work and no family near by. She suggests a one off clean with an agency she's used and gives me the number. Good idea thinks I I'll dicuss with DH later.

When the DC are in bed I sit down with him (he's checking emails) and explain the issue, how much it would cost and how much it would really help me out etc. Before I can even suggest that if not maybe he could take the DC out for the day he explodes big time along the lines of 'why is this important' , 'and where do you think the money's coming from', why are you bothering me with this now', ' if you want it you find the money' , 'you're going to keep going on about this now aren't you?' and finishes with 'go away'.

AIBU to expect to be able to have an adult conversation with my DH about our house, my job of running it and the things that affect my life. I thought we were doing a good job of running things together and my contribution was seen as important and valued as much as his job and the things he deems important (which he expects me to listen about and I do).
He is doing this quite a bit lately and I guess I'm using this as a way to see if I should be handling thing differently (shameless use of AIBU I know)

[famishedass]

yanbu i've had a similar situation here tonight trying to talk about xmas. I got told to be quiet so he could check his e-mails and do his accounts.

Sorry, it's not about me is it - just tryin to say I know exactly how you feel.

Can't you just organise for the cleaner to come in. Do you have to discuss these things with your dh or do you have a certain amount of autonomy.

Or is it more that you're upset because he had no time for you?

[monkeysavingexpertdotcom]

Is he stressed about work? If he's the only earner and things are a bit insecure at work maybe you saying you want a cleaner in has hit a nerve.

[Vallhala]

YANBU hun! Goodness I have only 2 DC and they are older and I know exactly what you mean about needing time to do the extra sorting out and spring cleaning etc which goes by the by when you are running a house and caring for children, especially young ones.

You've put it to your DH reasonably, you are aware that its within your household budget, you have looked into the cost and explained why you feel its necessary.... I'd be spitting feathers if I were you.

I don't have the answer (if I did I probably wouldn't be a divorcee), but all I can suggest is that you bring it up again, perhaps when the DC are again in bed and you and DH have time to open a bottle of wine and relax. Maybe you could say that you appreciate he was busy when you last mentioned it but that now you both have time to talk without (email) distraction and having thought it over you still feel its a good idea which would make life more comfortable for you all. Even explain that this would give you time to sort the wardrobes so he can find his favourite shirt which he at present struggles to locate or whatever - make him realise that it benefits him as well as you.

Bloody men!

[adriennemole]

thanks famishdass, Sorry to hear you're having the same issues.
For me it's the lack of respect and importance DH seems to show about my role in the family I guess it's the age old who does more argument (except we don't argue about it like that) he just brushes my day to day activities aside and doesn't want to discuss things like housework, christmas plans etc. I could and probably should just get on with it but he would blow his stack. I just can't win.

[lavenderkate]

Reading your post adriennemole, I would wonder if he has financial concerns he hasnt mentioned/
I dont mean anything serious, just with Christmas coming up and most of us feeling the pinch perhaps thats why he reacted harshly.
Just a thought?

[adriennemole]

Thanks vallhala and msedotcom,
Your right maybe it was a bad time but there never seems to be a good time at the moment even if work is crap at the moment I'll no doubt hear about it and be expected to sympathise and offer advice (if asked) it's like dealing with another bloody child sometimes

[adriennemole]

Lavenderkate, I was wondering about this too although DH moans about work he doesn't talk about money issues as much. He puts an amount in our joint account each month but does expect me to discuss any extra stuff (such as a cleaner) with him. Hmmm maybe I shall delve deeper.

In the mean time I'm still pissed off at the way he's spoken to me the thing is I don't really think he realises how much I do so that he doesn't have to. My DS's appointments take up quite a bit of the month as well as being my DC and his PA! He does work hard and I appreciate it I'm just not convinced the feeling is mutual.

[meltedchocolate]

This is why i dont like seperate bank accounts. Tell him you need to talk things out. Tell him he is disrespecting you and you will not take it.

[moondog]

I'd ask him to take the kids away for the day and I'd blitz it myself.
I find housework quite sootihing actually.

Out of interest, how much would it have cost?

[DuelingFanjo]

YANBU. Use some money from your account to pay for a one-off clean.

[Vallhala]

Just to add that the others may be right... I don't know what your DHs responsibilities are but its possible he's worrying about money. I do know that when a very close friend was faced with the unenviable task of laying some of his staff off he didn't confide in his wife but in me. Perhaps your DH is worried too?

Still no reason to get shirty with you or disrespect your contribution though.

[moondog]

Fact is,unless you have been SAHP yourself, it is impossible to really understand and value that role.

[adriennemole]

My friend said it cost her about £50 last year which seems quite reasonable to me. I could do it myself but we could afford it and it means freeing up some time before Christmas. I do enjoy housework if there aren't other distractions but the house does need a huge blitz at the moment.

[moondog]

£50!!!

That's a good deal (assuming they do it well).

[Vallhala]

That certainly seems a good price to me. The alternative is to call in a favour from a nearby friend, crack on and blitz the house with her and then tell DH that in return he is to mind the DC whilst you and that friend go to dinner/for drinks/to a show/Christmas shopping and lunch.

(And leave him with a list of things to do with regard to housework and the DC while you're out having fun!).

[pispirispis]

He was very rude to you btw. How do you think he would he react if you talked to him like that?

[TheCrackFox]

Bloody hell, what a bargain.

YANBU your DH shouldn't have been like that to you. However, if it is a one off I would put it down to stress. If he is always a miserable sod I would tell him to cheer up.

[adriennemole]

Moondog, I agree I've done both my DH hasn't.
I hate the whole who does more argument and I know he works bloody hard and so I can stay home (my choice) I just wish he'd appreciate me and value what I do.

Vallhala, I'm liking that idea

Yes he was rude and has now stomped off to bed. Twunt

[Vallhala]

Happy to help AM - if I knew where you were I'd offer to help with the clean-up operation.

I'm just jealous as a lone mum that I can't blackmail persuade a DH to look after my DC while I go out!

[adriennemole]

I have no idea how much cleaners cost BTW (never had one) They're a small local agency maybe trying to build up a customer base either that or they're crap.

[adriennemole]

Vallhala , we could do a deal You help me clean I'll look after you're DC though they'd probably never see you again if you set foot in my pit lovely home.

[adriennemole]

Doh your not you're I need my bed thanks everyone.

[Vallhala]

You have a deal AM... god help you love, you've not met my little sods-- darling girls!

[NestaFiesta]

YANBU.

Its funny isn't it- you can't talk to them when they're getting ready for work, you can't talk to them when they've just come in, and you can't talk to them when they're emailing/tired/busy. When they need something from us, they ask us straight away regardless of whether we are doing something else.

Sorry to rant but my DH has been the same this week and I'm 37 weeks pregnant. Sick of it.

Adrienne- you were fair and reasonable and approached it the right way. There was no need for him to blow up at you for having a sensible idea that benefitted the whole household.