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Would you call Social Services over this?

(27 Posts)
InaneHouseholdObject Tue 13-Oct-09 12:52:43

Not strictly AIBU but I cannot think of anywhere to put this bar chat.

DH works with a guy who is married to a woman, in his own words, is "bonkers". I have bad depression, have been suicidal in the past etc. so have a little (personal) knowledge of mental health so I don't like to say she is loopy etc. but I am not sure she is depressed, so am thinking she may be suffereing maybe something more severe?

Anyway, he tells DH of things she does, all weird but not desperatly awful - lots of not letting him to go work, running out of the house before he leaves and hiding behind walls, only lets her 3 uder 4s (I have 2 under 4) have one toy at a time (OK, not terribly awful but it's part of a bigger picture), obsessivly cleans the house - skirting boards twice a day, makes her H clean the shower fully after himself at 5.30am, one DC weed on the carpet slightly and she replaced the whole thing, his wages goes directly to his account and she spends it all (again nothing terrible terrible) but the other day she rang him at work (she does 8+ times a day) and just screamed and screamed down the phone. Also threatened to kill herself, so her H told my H he was taking the rest of the week off as she was going to get sectioned. Apparently it was just day time, for the rest of that week, but she was still on FB. Turns out she had gone to GP and asked to be sectioned but he said it was likely to be a thyroid problem. I don't know if she is just saying that to her H, she clearly , to me, has some sort of mental health issues.
That's just abit of background info, the main hing is she told her H, when one of the children was crying, calmly, "it would be so easy to break one of their necks, wouldn't it?". Not in the heat of the moment, more cold and calculating. He said she has said alot worse, but my H didn't want to know. I feel I can't just sit back, I honestly get creeped out by her and that's nothing against people with mental health issues, she just gets all my alarm bells ringing. I guess I should have name changed, if she is on here it's very obvious who I am but as I said, I can't get it all out of my head.

alwayslookingforanswers Tue 13-Oct-09 12:56:32

I would personally contact them. Speaking as the wife of someone who was behaving oddly for months (not as oddly as that - but still odd looking back at it) who then nearly strangled me to death during what turned out to be a psychotic episode. It does sound like she needs some sort of help before she (by the sounds of things unwittingly) hurts herself or someone else.

overmydeadbody Tue 13-Oct-09 12:57:01

Gosh, I tihnk if it is making alarm bells ring for you and you genuinely think she needs help then yes, call social services. Or her HV if she still has one?

Do you know her? could you possibly talk to her? Offer to go to the GP with her?

BrieVanDerKamp Tue 13-Oct-09 12:57:06

I think the poor lady needs some kind of help, but it is difficult to what to do for the best. I don't know if SS would be the way to go. Could you speak to the husband and tell him that he must do something to help her?? Take her to Dr's or something??

InaneHouseholdObject Tue 13-Oct-09 12:59:56

She definatly needs proffesional help of sorts - day to day she gets alot of help and days/nights off etc. so it doesn't sound like someone at the end of their tether. H made me promise not to do anything, that' it's none of our business but no one else seems to be acting.

NorbertDentressangle Tue 13-Oct-09 13:02:53

Do you know her HV/doctor/surgery ?

If so I think I would be more inclined to contact them about my concerns for her mental health/well-being and the knock-on effect on her family.

InaneHouseholdObject Tue 13-Oct-09 13:04:24

The husband does anything for an easy life - she has been violent to him but he just carries on.(lots of facebook wall messages saying how his cookies were made, how she loved him, his cold drink is ready when he gets home but then flies into rages as soon as he gets in the door) I do not know her personally to do anything, and I think she keeps it very well hidden to everyone and only her H has told my H and another work mate of her behaviour behind doors. In their own words they are seen as the "Posh and becks" of the area, they both are as bad as eachother for totally giving out a false image of themselves that people (even close friends) think they have the perfect family life, I am worried they will both hoodwink SS>

onagar Tue 13-Oct-09 13:05:47

She has been to her GP about treatment and her DH knows about it. The only point in interfering would be to ease your feelings of being 'creeped out'.

When you were feeling at your worst would you have wanted DHs workmates or friends reporting you behind your back?

RealityBites Tue 13-Oct-09 13:05:51

Message withdrawn

alwayslookingforanswers Tue 13-Oct-09 13:06:35

Even if you contact someone other than SS chances are they'll end up getting involved as well if it does indeed turn out that she's got severe mental health issues.

I'm currently waiting on a visit from them in regards to the incident that I mentioned in my first post after the people now looking after DH contacted them, even though the incident didn't involve them, nor did they witness it.

babybarrister Tue 13-Oct-09 13:08:02

her GP is under a duty to report her to social services if he/she knows of issues which could affect kids - if she has not been or has not said anything re kids to GP then really you do need to contact social services yourself

alwayslookingforanswers Tue 13-Oct-09 13:09:36

onagar - my DH went to the DH about the depression side of things 6 months or so ago, only to walk out and tell me that it was "just stress and he was fine" he bloody well wasn't - and if the GP had listened/he had been able to tell the GP how he really felt we might not have ended up where we are now.

Even the GP he saw the day he attacked me said it was "mild depression" - it was over 24hrs before someone saw him (from the crisis team) and immediately had him admitted to a psych unit because they realised he was a danger to himself and others.

FuriousGeorge Tue 13-Oct-09 13:09:38

I would ring SS and actually have done in the past in the case of child neglect.I think it is a very difficult decision to make,but what I told myself was 'what if I opened the newspaper one day and found something terrible had happened and I didn't do anything about it.'

You sound a very caring person.

MorrisZapp Tue 13-Oct-09 13:11:38

I agree with onagar. The woman has problems, and has seen her GP.

Easy to say SS should know, but she will see this as an attack, a betrayal and presumbaly another instance of the world being against her.

I've never seen anybody here on MN welcome somebody else contacting SS on their behalf, and posters uniformly condemn the nasty bitch/ bastard who did it.

It hasn't got anything to do with you really - her DH is the one who should be stepping up and sorting things out. He's the one who knows exactly what's going on.

alwayslookingforanswers Tue 13-Oct-09 13:12:45

babybarrister - they don't always do that - it's been 4 weeks since DH attacked me - I took myself to the GP the same day, he didn't do anything, it's been DH's home support team that have contacted them only within the last 5 days.

It's very easy - especially if you go on your own - to go to the GP with mental health issues and to not have them picked up at all.

InaneHouseholdObject Tue 13-Oct-09 13:14:26

I do not know 100% she has been to a GP, she may have fibbed her to her H about going. At my worse I wasn't like this, I was terribly depressed and off my own bat had dealings with proffessional help. I monitor my own mental health situation, going on various medication if I feel I need to, being open and honest with my H and GP about how I am feeling, even if it's something maybe you feel you should hide - all for the good of my DCs and of course myself. If I had been in denial I definatly could not be angry (long term anyway ) at someone who intervened or reported me, as long as it was genuine and not made up or something awful.

Sparks Tue 13-Oct-09 13:16:28

If I thought the kids were at risk, then yes I would contact ss. It doesn't matter what the cause of her behaviour is - if it's mental health or thyroid or something else - if the kids are adversely effected ss should be informed.

Then it's up to ss to decide what, if anything, needs to be done.

madamearcati Tue 13-Oct-09 13:17:51

I don't know what you can do without betraying your husband's confidences.Your relationship with your DH is more important.Apart from urging your DH to encourage his colleague to get help I would stay out of it.After all its mostly coming to you third hand via her DH and your DH and may well have been embroidered along the way.

BobbingForPeachys Tue 13-Oct-09 13:20:18

Hmmm

All counties have their own criteria but where I alst worked (allied charity rather than SSD) one aprent having MH problems but the other not was not a reason for referral in itself, the wellaprent was supposed to cover for the balance IYSWIM.

But the breaking neck thing is worrying.

She may well have been to the GP, whether or not she disclosed the full story is another thing entirely, I know when DH was ill he never did.

I'd be tempted to make the call but would approach it differently- my guess is she'd be far better getting support from a SW with MH expertise than a CP SW. However, a call to the Gp saying all this (and accep[ting that whilst they can listen they cannot comment) may get her a CPN which IMO would be a much more positive outcome, and lead to SW intervention only iof needed and also (if needed) extra help in the way of disability support and for her DH, carer support if available (for example she may be entitled to DLA and her DH to flexible working to help with her at home)

InaneHouseholdObject Tue 13-Oct-09 13:21:57

If anything I think it's been played down, and I don't think (a threat of) a childs neck being broken is more important than a relationship between H and I, and H and his friend. I think I will contact SS, if everything is fine then they will be the people to make sure it is.

hobbgoblin Tue 13-Oct-09 13:24:42

On one hand I'd contact CSF, but I also know that unless they get a good SW the mother may not get the help she needs and the family unit could be at risk of falling apart. I think you need to speak to DH who could try and speak to her DH so at least you have done something protective for this woman.

I don't know. It's very tough but the children do come first.

argento Tue 13-Oct-09 13:24:52

If you think there is a danger to the children, then contact social services. Just tell them what you know and what concerns you, no speculation, and leave it up to them.

They may have already been informed of concerns from her GP/HV/children's nursery etc, but if not it lets them keep an eye on things. They won't give her your name.

BalloonSlayer Tue 13-Oct-09 13:25:32

Message withdrawn

InaneHouseholdObject Tue 13-Oct-09 13:26:33

It may not be a mental health issue, it may be a child abuse issue...

Thankyou everyone for your input, I am calling them, I dread to think what she could have said that is worse than threatening to break your childs neck.

alwayslookingforanswers Tue 13-Oct-09 13:29:37

Inane - with the other stuff you've mentioned I'd put my money on it being a mental health issue, leading to possible child abuse. In the same way that my DH's mental health issues led to the domestic violence.

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