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to feel a little cheated

(18 Posts)
asteri Tue 15-Sep-09 14:30:37

My husband and I have always agreed that we would like a family, 3.5 years ago I fell pregnant and due to the living situation at the time (neither of us were in a particularly good/secure job and we didnt have much money and were living in a teeny tiny home and had just moved in together so we didnt think at that time it would be the right environment to have a baby) we made the very difficult decision to terminate the pregnancy. I was heartbroken and am still scarred now by what was a very traumatic event. Shortly after that I became pregnant (again) and had an early miscarriage. At that time my husband said that we shoudl definately wait until we are both in great jobs (which we are now and have been for almost three years) and have more expendable cash (which we do)before having a family. I feel ready now, I have felt ready for a while but he just keeps putting it off, saying we are not quite ready. His best friends daughter was born the day I had my abortion so I always find her birthday quite upsetting and when my brothers girlfriend had a baby last year it broke my heart I know that I cant be happy without a baby, but I love him very much, and he loves me so I know that I cant be happy without him either What can I do? sad

ChunkyMonkeysMum Tue 15-Sep-09 14:34:50

What an awful decision to have to make asteri. I really feel for you.

Have you asked your DH why he feels the time is still not right ? Have you told him exactly how you feel ?


ChunkyMonkeysMum Tue 15-Sep-09 14:36:00

And, for what it's worth, YANBU to feel cheated.

PeedOffWithNits Tue 15-Sep-09 14:38:20

odd subject for an AIBU

you both need to sit down and have a long talk
perhaps he is scared of another loss and what it might do to you/your relationship

perhaps he is being honest and does not feel ready for kids

perhaps finances are the issue

you won't find out from us though!

TALK to him

ReneRusso Tue 15-Sep-09 14:41:53

I think you need to make it very clear how you feel, if you haven't already. Does he realise how important this is to you? It sounds like you are well on the way to resenting him and it could ultimately threaten the relationship. Also, sadly getting pregnant doesn't always happen when you want, so it is not always a good idea to keep putting it off. How old are you both? Is he not emotionally mature enough to cope with fatherhood?

asteri Tue 15-Sep-09 14:44:08

I have talked to him on numerous occasions and the issue always seems to be money, he doesnt think we will ever be able to afford a baby. even though I know we will never be loaded we are both now in good stable jobs and have had a respectable payrise in the last 12 months.

asteri Tue 15-Sep-09 14:45:10

I am 29 and he is 31. I just dont want to wake up one morning, childless and realise its too late.

thrifty Tue 15-Sep-09 14:53:04

there is never a good time to have a baby (not in our house anyway!) unless you win the lottery or something. you'll just have to tell him how much you want it. work it all out financially then present it to him on paper (i.e. how you will manage on maternity etc etc). you will then find out if its really financial or not!

Lemonylemon Tue 15-Sep-09 15:02:04

If everyone put off having a baby until they could afford it, no-one would ever have them!

There is no good time and about the sum of it really. As thrifty says, you do need to find out if it's really financial or not.

I had my second child after OH died (he left no money whatsoever) and I've coped on my own. My DD has both new and second-hand clothes; I've borrowed a cot and a buggy; I've also been lent a car seat and I manage. Everyone manages, although it can be hard, I know....

PeedOffWithNits Tue 15-Sep-09 16:31:42

OP - if you are working and have a baby, have you looked into how that will affect your finances? would you go back to work asap? what about childcare costs? what if you had twins? If you are both back at work after the birth, how would you decide who gets up with baby in the night?

being a parent is a massive responsibility and at the end of the day, he may have changed his mind for any number of reasons (which he should explain to you), or he may not feel ready. he will probably resent you trying to push him into it, thats not to say you should not make clear your feelings on the matter

how is he round kids - the friends child? has he neices/nephews?

asteri Wed 16-Sep-09 08:21:28

Sorry about taking do long to get back to you all, my internet connection went bust. Well we both work full time, but luckily in my post I have the option of working at home for a few days a week so hopefully this would cut down on childcare costs. He is great with other children and I know it sounds odd but in a way that hurts too, to see him be so good with other children and yet keep putting off having our own. H ave decided Im going to work on a budget today (its my day off), to see if I can show him that it is viable.

kreecherlivesupstairs Wed 16-Sep-09 08:57:14

Many wise answers, my view in common with others is this ' there is never a good time to have a baby'. We have found that we have less money obviously, have less glam holidays obviously, have less evenings out obviously. But, the joy and fun that our girl has brought us is immeasurable. Talk to him.

asteri Wed 16-Sep-09 09:01:49

Thanks for all your advice, you have all been really helpful and supportive smile, will have the chat again tonight when he gets home. wish me luck.

Wellywearer Wed 16-Sep-09 09:27:16

' there is never a good time to have a baby’ but 29 is a better time 2 start trying that 39

I would explain about declining fertility, not to scare him, but to say that the stress and anxiety has broken many a marriage and how resentful you will eventually become, how ever much you love him - particularly as you have already made one heartbreaking sacrifice - he needs to step up to the plate and I would be quite strong about how you express this to him.

Romanarama Wed 16-Sep-09 09:44:02

Bear in mind when you're doing your budget that you can't actually do any work at home at all when you have a baby, unless there's someone else there taking care of the baby. Looking after a baby really does take absolutely all the time, apart from when they're napping (when mum generally needs a nap too).

Having children is worth the financial sacrifices. You can always go back to having nice holidays and things when the children are grown up. I always think of the future too - having an extended family and grandchildren etc. It would be sad not to have all that in middle/old age.

Stigaloid Wed 16-Sep-09 10:23:20

YANBU to feel cheated. Unless you are mega rich you never have enough money to have a baby - you learn to make cuts in finances and realise that some luxuries you have when single just aren't important when you have a baby to care for. You need to talk with him and make it clear you want a child. If he really is unwilling to have one you need to make the decision whether you want a life with him, resenting him, or take the chance of finding someone who does want to have children with you.

I hope he comes round - truth be told all my male friends and my DH all said they weren't ready to have kids right up until the moment their DC's were born and then suddenly it just clicked for them. Men find it hard to imagine parenthood until they are actually presented with it, and then they wouldn't be without it.

Good luck and big hugs.

curiositykilled Wed 16-Sep-09 10:31:26

I'm not sure if there is ever a good time to have a baby but this is a difficult situation to approach.

Is it possible that your DH is not sure he ever wants a baby, and has been all along, and is putting off telling you by adding new stipulations everytime you met one? Is it possible he is just traumatised too as the only real experience you have had of pregnancy has been terribly difficult? He might be feeling he's not ready to go through all the trauma rather than he's not ready for a baby.

Good luck, I hope your DH comes round. x

Overmydeadbody Wed 16-Sep-09 10:38:42


What you really need to do is sit down and have a proper heart to heart with him.

There are bigger issues than money going on for him.

My guess is he's just using money as an excuse and actually he just doesn't want to have children or is scared of the commitment or something.

You need to get to the bottom of this.

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