... to still not forgive PIL's?(20 Posts)
Basically, when I was pregnant,(as bizarre as this may seem) they got jelous. They didnt like the attention on me and they did everything possible to try to attract attention. Every commented on their strange behaviour during this time.
they bought a dog (an aggressive type) but quickly took it back when they realised they couldnt handle it.
they booked a cruise on my due date and missed the first week of when DS was born.
I could name a lot more other things - little things they did. But it was just crazy really. We couldnt understand it, DH is their only child so DS is their first GC.
Anyway, 13 mo on and I still cant forgive them. Ive never fallen out with them or said a cross word, they see lots of ds but I just could never trust them fully e.g. they asked to take DS away for the weekend and I said no and made the usual excuses. But really its becuase I dont trust them fully, they are a bit too strange IYSWIM.
I think I would be careful of them as well. YANBU to trust your instincts, although the things you mention seem to be simple things that could be interpreted in several ways, its your instincts that count.
it's possible that they were having a wobble about their only child having a child? It's a no-going-back thing where you and the baby become his family and not his parents in the same way...they may have felt unready for that or unready to be grandparents, it may have jolted them to realise that they are that generation and not the parent generation any more.
If they've been supportive and involved since then I think YABU to bear a grudge.
Well they havent acted as strange since he has been born but I wouldnt class them as being supportive.
They like to see DS but they dont really muck in IYSWIM. One example is we took DS to see them at their house and because he was in a whingy mood and crying quite a lot, they told us to take him home.
I cant quite put my finger on what it is, but well they are just totally different to me I suppose.
Dare I say you may be being a tad silly salley?
What I mean is life is short. They are seeing lots of DS (wish my PIL's would bother) and maybe, as was said, they had a little wobble.
Not saying you should just let DS go there for the weekend if you are not comfortable yet but maybe try and let the anger go.
Told you to take him home because he was crying?
Hasn't your DH said anything or asked what the issue is?
slowreadingprogress makes a good point - what were their expectations of being grandparents? Probably based on what their grandparents had been like. Could have scared the bejesus out of them - maybe they booked that cruise because "time was running out"? That could possibly explain apparent attention-seeking behaviour, the sudden explosion of doing all the things you want to do before you die. Not saying this is the reason, just raising it as a possibility.
Consider that you might be a little U. And grudges hurt the bearer only IME.
MIL said his crying was upsetting them
I just cant imagine what they would do if he started crying if they took him away for the weekend.
I could be wrong and I'm only going on the little info here but it just sounds to me as if you and they are cut from different cloth and have extremely different ways of doing things. I could really be over thinking this but the 'take him home' thing when he was crying sounds a bit like they wanted you to 'deal' with him rather than staying. I remember my dad being horror struck when my aunt and uncle came to visit and proceeded to stay when their baby cried, and whinged, and cried some more; yes the parents jiggled him and walked him round etc but to my dad, what he would have done would be go out for a walk or even leave rather than let people listen to crying....maybe it's a generational thing, who knows....basically it sounds to me that you're very different to them. All I can say is that there has to be a lot of give and take with in-laws.....but that doesn't mean you're unreasonable to not want him in their weekend care just yet!
I agree with pitchounette
OP, you sound rather strange yourself
I have very strange ILs too but only you can judge whether they are responsible enough to take your child away for the weekend or whatever. If you're not comfortable with it, say no, but try to let go of the grudge as they are probably not trying to be deliberately hurtful. Just see them on your own terms.
pitchounette and Anyfucker -agree with both your posts. I really am struggling to see WHY it was seen to be so strange because they bought a dog and went on a cruise while you were pregnant?? What is it that you can't forgive??
Not very nice of them to ask you to take the baby home because he was crying and I can understand why you wouldn't want to leave him for the weekend just yet BUT read Pitchounette's post again and see if it makes any sense to you.
They managed to bring up your dp. What is it you think they will do to your pfb?
Just one of those times whe you have to accept not eveyone is the same.
I think yabu.
Although I probably wouldn't let my 13 month old stay the weekend with my pils. But then I was very PFB ish and would have missed her too much.
But you do sound a bit odd and self obsessed about your reasons for disliking your pils. And the whole "I can't forgive them waillllll" thing is quite weird tbh.
I do think that the in-law relationship is quite a tricky one to get a handle on though. I am fortunate that my pils are lovely, but they are VERY different from me and my family and I did have to adjust my expectations quite radically.
Hmm, I suspect that the couple of examples that you give us is only a part of the problem and that there has been other strange behaviour?
I can understand you being upset at them booking a cruise, as it seems like the new grandchild is not important to them. And they can presumably go another week on a cruise. It is hard to deal with the feeling that someone else might not be quite so excited about your DS.
Are they ok now though?
I would let it go.
If they are unable to cope with him crying then they are certainly not ready to take him away for a weekend. Trust your instincts on that.
I think the dog and cruise thing sound slightly strange but not unforgivable. The dog wasn't anything to do with you anyway. Alot of mums on here feel overloaded with visitors when their baby is born and wish their ILs would chill out a bit and give them a week or 2s space. The fact that they have other things in their life except you and their son sounds a good thing.
When my children were only 13 months old I wouldn't have let them go away for the weekend without a parent so I think not wanting them to have him for the weekend is fine. I don't think they've done anything that needs "forgiving" though and think you're being a bit precious about their lives not revolving around you.
What exactly can you not forgive? Nothing you have described so far has seemed strange to me. My PILs got a cat when I was pregnant - should I stop them having DS?
Perhaps they suffer headaches/migraines? My grandad also cant stand to hear babies crying, so if DS is having a whiney day, I leave anyway as I dont like to inflict that on others.
I do think you are BU.
Hi I can sympathise as my PIL'S were exactly the same when I got pregnant with my son, I had an ectopic pregnancy first and they didnt speak to me until I lost the baby , I had no support of them at all despite having to go into hospital for 3 days to have it removed in fact they seemed pleased that I had lost the baby and when I got pregnant soon after my mil didnt even tell my fil- he found out when I was 7 months pregnant when he came to visit!
My partner is their only child who didnt move out until he was 31 and as they had him late in life they are both approaching their 80's when I had my son.
However as soon as they saw my son they adored him- they shower him with love always buy him clothes and toys and show his picture off to everyone they encounter.
I have to forget about how upsetting to me they were during my pregnancy as they have turned it around and my son adores them.
I know its hard but try to be the bigger person in this they are from a different generation and have different expectations- perhaps like previous posters have said it drummed in to them that are going to be grandparents and perhaps this scared them- Try to forgive them and you may find that this benefits you all.
I don't understand what there is to forgive TBH. They are different to you, and they act in ways that you wouldn't. There isn't anything there to forgive is there? If you feel uncomfortable about letting your DS stay with them, don't do it. However I think that if you want DS to have a close relationship with them you could try leaving him there for a day without you - they aren't going to hurt him or neglect him are they? - and let them see what it's really like. If you and DH aren't there they will have to cope and may well manage fine. The fact that they will probably do it differently to you doesn't have to be a problem.
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