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to want an UNCOMPLICATED friendship?

(20 Posts)
oysterpots Fri 14-Aug-09 14:24:50

Are all female friendships destined to be complicated? I can't think of a single good, close friendship that hasn't been fraught or difficult at some point over the years.

Is it me? Or is that just the way it is with us women??

MoonIsATiredSlayer Fri 14-Aug-09 14:29:10

We are complex creatures <magical mysterious emoticon>

AramintaCane Fri 14-Aug-09 14:32:44

I'm not complicated grin much too tired for that. What happened to make you think that oyster ?

oysterpots Fri 14-Aug-09 14:38:48

Don't want to go into details here but I just feel my female friendships have been defined by misunderstandings, differing expectations leading to antagonistic situations, differing priorities and maybe lack of perspective - on both sides.

But I'd be interested to hear whether that's normal and most people can relate, or whether it's me - either the friends I pick or a big old character flaw of mine!

oysterpots Fri 14-Aug-09 14:39:35

Oh, and by wanting deep and meaningful friendships, do you have to take the rough with the smooth?

sherby Fri 14-Aug-09 14:40:20

oh god YANBU at all

I have been pondering the same thing for the last few weeks as a number of friendships are currently on the way out for various reasons, whereas DH and his friends seem to rub along fine for years!

sherby Fri 14-Aug-09 14:40:33

oh god YANBU at all

I have been pondering the same thing for the last few weeks as a number of friendships are currently on the way out for various reasons, whereas DH and his friends seem to rub along fine for years!

sherby Fri 14-Aug-09 14:41:00

whoops

squilly Fri 14-Aug-09 14:44:22

DH and friends rub along fine for years too, but it's all surface stuff for men. Footie, real ale, news items. They don't tend to share so much, so there's less for them to fall out about. They are also less judgey about their fellow men.

Women are complex creatres, which will always lead to complications in relationships.

Maveta Fri 14-Aug-09 14:48:54

ugh I know what you mean. Ime it's definitely a 'familiarity breeds contempt' type of situation. I have two very close friends, we all went to school together and remain close now but we have never been in each other's immediate circle of friends iyswim. Our friendship was it's own separate entity and nothing to do with any other circle in our life. So we never overdose on each other, we give each other space and that keeps it healthy.

I have another good friend I've known for only the last few years and it's another nice friendship for the same reason. She can be a right ol cowbag wink but if she says something that pees me off I just breeeathe, accept she is a pain in the arse, and let it go. And when we next speak we don't hash over misunderstandings or strange tones of voice, we just carry on as normal. And it's what I love about her.

But I've had two close friendships where we've been very close and it's all just gone horribly wrong with snidiness and bitchiness and general girly moody things I really can't be doing with.

So no it's not ALL female friendships but it is an aspect we suffer from more than guys, it seems. Probably because we feel compelled to try and fix things and work it through and thereby get all entangled in a whole THING. Whereas men can't be arsed and either totally overlook their mates' annoyingness or drop the friendship without a backward glance.

totalmisfit Fri 14-Aug-09 15:06:59

i'll be your simple uncomplicated friend! wink

what's up with women? why can't we just appreciate one another's company and get along? life's too short for anything else.

chegirl Fri 14-Aug-09 15:38:18

I find it very very easy to step away from difficult 'friendships' now. Years ago I would've got all tied in knots and fretted away.

Now if someone gets manipulative, teenagery, passive agressive, bitchy etc I just back off.

Makes life so much easier. Now I find I have a few, very good, reliable friends whom I can trust. They are the uncomplicated ones.

sundew Fri 14-Aug-09 15:43:49

Like chegirl I have a few very reliable friends - who I could call at all hours and would drop eberything to help (and I would do the same for them). Saying that they both live some distance away and we see each other every couple of months - have a hoot, catch up on the gossip, drink far too much and thats that. I suppose most would class this as a 'male'type friendship but it works for me.

I've never had any girly friends where we've lived in each others pockets - but have never missed the bithchiness either!

babybarrister Fri 14-Aug-09 15:45:09

sorry to be contraversial but IMO YABU - I know my DH, ex DH, brother and Dad and various male colleagues who have fallen out with "complicated" male friends....

I on the other hand have only [at least post the age of bitchiness at 8-15] only fallen out with one friend and tend to find I drift apart .....

maybe it is question of expectations?

chegirl Fri 14-Aug-09 15:55:05

I think women get imbroiled in complicated friendships because if a friend is being a mad cow we dont just think 'what a mad cow'. We think 'what have I done to make her act like this', 'have I said something wrong', 'maybe I have upset her' blah blah.

Some people are mad cows and should be left to it.

steamedtreaclesponge Fri 14-Aug-09 16:01:16

I don't find this at all! I have about 5 or 6 very close female friends and never have any of this misunderstanding, bitchy, complicated weirdness with them. Sometimes I won't see any of them for ages, sometimes I will end up seeing someone almost every day for a couple of weeks, and it's always fine.

But then most of my very good friends I've known from Uni, at the very least, if not since school, so I guess we've known each other long enough to give each other space at times.

AramintaCane Fri 14-Aug-09 16:03:52

I agree with chegirl if someone goes all flouncy and moody I tend to wave goodbye and carry on. I have a quite few lovely down to earth long term friends. I have quite a few non moody male friends as well. There are some lovely people out there keep trying.

Overmydeadbody Fri 14-Aug-09 16:14:14

#the trick is to never have any expectations on your friends, just to accept them for who they are, not mull over anything they say or do, not try to fix every little hicup in the relatinship, and not wonder what we've done wrong if we don't hear from them for a while.

Having said that, I have one close female friend and three lovely sisters who are my best friends, all my other friends are male.

The mums of DS's friends will probably always just be acquaintances who I can chat with etc., etc but would never open up to too much.

MamaVoo Fri 14-Aug-09 19:11:14

I'm with steamedtreaclesponge. I've never had any bitchiness or weirdness with my close friends. We all go off and do our own things at times - we've all been wrapped up in new men at various stages through the years - but that's fine because we can just pick up wherever we left off when we last met up. Isn't that what good friends do?

MarshaBrady Fri 14-Aug-09 19:17:58

I find friendships pre-dc with old school or university friends easier than new ones. But there is alot more space around these, in terms of distance and time.

The new child-related ones became trickier because we were relying on each other to fill the gap left by not working full time for a while. And they became tied up with silly things like whose children are doing better, or husbands etc

They are still good, worthwhile friendships just not as easy as the early ones.

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