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AIBU?

to want to have a baby

19 replies

asteri · 06/08/2009 14:56

I have recently married my partner and all the while we were going out we always said how much we would like to have a family, however I did fall pregnant at a really bad time (financially and generally) and we decided at that time not to keep the baby. It was at the time very traumatic and is now the single biggest regret I have. We have discussed having a family since but my husband always says we should wait til we know we can afford it (we are now both in relatively well paid jobs and have a secure home, but everyday I think about having a baby so much it hurts, I look back and remember the (brief) time I was pregnant and I miss it so much. I also recently beacme an aunt and its soooooo hard, but I am scared to approach my husband about this again, he is a lovely guy and very supportive but I dont want to sound like a moaning harpie.

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beanieb · 06/08/2009 14:58

IMO there is never a good time to have a baby. If you are married and you have both said you want to have one then I think you need to sit down and talk about it.

What would you do RE work? Is he worried about being the main bread-winner, would you go back to work?

Once you have talked about these practicalities perhaps he (both of you) will feel more secure about making a family together.

beanieb · 06/08/2009 14:59

sorry - I mean never a right time!

expatinscotland · 06/08/2009 14:59

I was once married to a man who put off having children.

When I was 28, I asked him point blank if he wanted to have kids. NOW. With me.

His answer was no.

So I left.

Two years later, we divorced. At 30, I had time to rebuild my life and 8 years on, am the mother of 3 children.

You need to get to the heart of your husband's objections to trying to conceive, especially as he knew you'd never have married him had he said he didn't want a family.

In my case, turns out he never wanted children. Ever. And, 8 years on, he's in his 40s and married to woman who also never wanted children and we're both happy.

pasturesnew · 06/08/2009 15:00

No YANBU but can understand your DH's worries. So maybe you could do some budgeting and sit down with him to show how the bills would be paid and what maternity pay you would get and what sort of childcare you could afford and when you would go back to work (if applicable) etc.

Have to say though in hindsight it feels quite silly to have waited a few years for everything to be "in place" for a baby (house, jobs etc.) because as soon as the baby comes along the game changes and 3 years on here we are having moved twice, changed jobs and expecting no. 2 without nearly as much forward planning!

asteri · 06/08/2009 15:04

I would definately go back to work, but luckily my job allows time for working at home so I could do a bit of both (also helping save money on childcare) I just find it so hard because I want to have a family so much but I also love my husband so much.

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FedUpWithRainyDevon · 06/08/2009 15:07

TALK TO HIM! Now! Before it becomes a real issue in your head. He loves you, you love him, there is never a right time financially but everyone manages somehow. Don't bottle it up any longer though otherwise you'll start to resent him and he won't even know why.

Nanga · 06/08/2009 15:07

a friend of mine was in a similar situation. she told her DH - well, i'm not taking the pill any more so if you don't want me to get pregnant then use condoms. he managed to use them about twice before getting fed up with them - as men tend to do! she got pg. they now have 2 kids and he's a devoted father. most men just need a gentle nudge in the right direction..

CillySunt · 06/08/2009 15:09

I agree with fedup.

asteri · 06/08/2009 15:16

I know that I should and I keep telling myself that I should but Im just afraid. Though I do have to say, having received such nice supportive comments in such a short space of time has really helped my confidence so thank you all very much, I will give it another try, after all, we're married now i'm supposed to nag lol. Just kidding about the nagging. Thank you

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posieparkerinChina · 06/08/2009 15:18

I had a termination with my now DH, it was a crappy spell in our relationship and he basically said he wouldn't stay with me. I felt empty until I was pg again.

Sit down with your Dh and tell him how you feel, there's never a 'free' time to have a baby but you won't regret any financial sacrifices. With dc4 we were supposed to be waiting but my DH was responsible for condoms, he still (despite 3/4 babies unplanned) though the withdrawal method had a fighting chance of preventing pregnancy.

MrsTittleMouse · 06/08/2009 15:21

beanieb is right - it will never by the perfect time to have a baby. It's a really good idea to go through the budget and prove to him that you actually can afford a baby. I really don't think that you will sound like a moaning harpie, especially if you are careful to keep things on a practical level and you stay calm.

I would be careful about promising to go back to work soon after you've had the baby though. You won't know how you'll really feel about childcare until you have the baby in your arms, and it wouldn't be great to be forced into a position where you either have to go back to work, or you seriously piss off your husband by breaking a promise.

pasturesnew · 06/08/2009 15:21

How recently did you get married? That in itself can be quite a life change no matter how long you were living together before, and the expense of a wedding can be quite scary. If < 6 months ago then given your DH's worries I would wait a little bit to have the chat again if you can, but if you feel you can't wait it's better to sit down and discuss it properly than have your feelings come out in an argument.

Also don't underestimate the impact of your previous loss, I know you decided not to continue with that pregnancy but that doesn't mean you can't grieve if you feel that way, but I don't think you can expect him to feel the same way. My 1st pregnancy ended in a ruptured ectopic and whilst it was planned, it was more in a "why keep waiting" way than in an emotional way. However, after that I was horribly broody and could not get babies out of my mind at all and was incredibly glad and grateful to conceive DS after a few months. We were both pretty scared all the way through the pregnancy with DS and I think DH could have waited longer to try again if I could have. Obviously we are both overjoyed with DS now. I know it's not the same situation you are in but hope it may be of some help.

Tillyscoutsmum · 06/08/2009 15:26

I agree with Expat. My ex h kept putting off having children until we could "afford" them.

We split when I was 30 and I am now 34 and expecting dc2 with my dh. He is now married to someone who does not want children and is very happy.

What is your dh's idea of being able to afford them ? Does he have a figure in mind of how much needs to be saved ? Or does he just want the economy to be a bit stronger before going ahead ?

stiginthedumps · 06/08/2009 15:58

I have name changed for this.

Due to financial pressures I had a termination last week of a much wanted third DC. DD is still under 1 so very much a mistake but I've always wanted 3 children and it's been a horrible traumatic time.

I absolutely empathise with your need to have another child. I feel empty and lost and ache to be pregnant. I wish I could turn the clock back.

Talk to your DH.

Stigaloid · 06/08/2009 16:01

There is never a time when you have enough money - you just have kids and work it out from there! Good luck and hope you get pregnant soon.

asteri · 06/08/2009 16:19

We got married early last year. i just feel a bit confused as he always said he wanted a family and this "putting off" seems to contradict it, I'm just scared that he may have just been appeasing me with the one day when we are in a better position(I know deep down he wouldnt have really)I mean how are you supposed to know how much a baby will cost?? most people seems to manage.....

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ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 06/08/2009 16:25

You don't need savings - you just need to be able to afford rent/mortgage and bills when you are on maternity leave. If he's working and you are going back to work there's no reason why you shouldn't, especially with tax credits and child benefit. Tell him to grab the bull by the horns and set a date to start trying - otherwise he could put it off forever until you find you are too old. There are men who do that.

asteri · 06/08/2009 16:27

thanks kat well thats another thing, Im almost thirty so I know my chances of conceiving naturally are about to start plummetting....

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MummieGee · 06/08/2009 23:20

Hi Asteri

As others have said, there's never a 'right' time to have a baby! I know that only too well. I had split up with my ex and contraception failed after very unwise afternoon together so ended up with DS.

Decided to go ahead even though Ex and I weren't even speaking, as he totally freaked. Am really glad I did. Hope it doesn't sound like I'm bragging, just reminding you that you can work with the situation.

But also wanted to say in gentlest way poss, that IMHO you need to be able to talk to the person you're planning on having kids with if you're married/engaged/attached. Have never been married, but have always thought that was the point of it. (I'm sure I'll be corrected if I'm wrong!)

FWIW, I think you need to be able to speak to the person you love about almost anything. Otherwise, what's the point of being married? Now, 10 months after DS was born, Ex and I are best mates now and can and do talk about almost anything and we're not even remotely considering marriage.

Sorry, long-winded way of saying talk to him and find out if he does have other reasons for wanting to wait.

TM

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