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AIBU?

In thinking my sister's boyfriend is a complete and utter a$%£hole?

9 replies

babyignoramus · 04/08/2009 18:43

I know I am NBU but I'm going to vent anyway.

Sister is nearly 21 and is living with her boyfriend who is a couple of years older. They have one DD who is nearly 3 and has SN (inc. physical). I have lost count of the amount of times I have had a text fom her about her bf being a twat. He works full time, she works on weekends and claims disability for her DD and child benefit. He pays the rent late every month, they nearly ended up in court over unpaid council tax, bills go unpaid etc. He expects her to pay everything out of what she earns, while all his money after (late) rent gets pissed away on himself - NB he is now earning about £20k so no excuse! Every month she ends up having to give him some cash out of the disability for his bus fares etc. as he has none left. His mobile's been cut off. He buys himself expensive gear. He regularly pops out after work for 'a' drink, coming home in the early hours. The irony? He's training to be an accountant!

This evening she rang me in tears as he's buggered off out AGAIN, leaving her at home with no food in the house. She's having cereal for dinner. After working all morning and then looking after her DD all afternoon, and expecting him to come home so she could go out to Tesco.

I asked her why on Earth she hasn't thrown him out - I'd have done so a long time ago, and her answer is that she doesn't want to be on her own with a disabled child to look after .

I feel so furious that he's treating my baby sister like this, and so sad that she doesn't even list love as a reason for letting him stay.

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mamas12 · 04/08/2009 18:46

But she is on her own isn't she, sounds like he is hardly there so she is coping on her own and in fact if it wasn't for him maybe a little better off financially, (don't know the circs there)
Be as supportive as you can, could she come to stay with you or t'other way round for a few days.

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babyignoramus · 04/08/2009 18:50

Mamas, I am going to stay with her in a couple of weeks. I think the main thing is that her DD doesn't sleep very well and with a bit of cajoling he'll take over for a night every week so she can catch up. I understand her not wanting to lose that.

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HecatesTwopenceworth · 04/08/2009 21:36

Sounds like life would be easier on her own! Have you asked her how he helps with the child? What does he do with the child that makes him worth keeping around?

One night's sleep a week isn't he wonderful.

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Silver1 · 04/08/2009 21:50

If your niece is on Disability would your sister qualify for a respite carer 1 night a week, especially as a SP?

Maybe you could mention that if there isn't much love and respect then there will come a time when he choses to move on himself perhaps because he had found someone else?

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Silver1 · 04/08/2009 21:50

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Mybox · 04/08/2009 21:53

She needs to give him the boot & get on with her life - even meet someone else. She doesn't have to settle for rubbish treatment.

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twigsblankets · 04/08/2009 22:02

Hi.
Sounds like an awful relationship for your little sis to be in.

I think the key is not to mention to her what an ar#eho#e he is, but to support her in whatever she wants to do.(Not saying you don't anyway
Hopefully, it will be to leave him at some point soon, but I was in a situation similar to this, and much as I knew he was a twat, every time my family referred to him as a twat, and asked me WTF I was thinking of being with him, it made me jump to his defence, if only in my own head, and pushed me further away from my family.
It took a friend who didn't pass any judgement, in fact, she said reasonably nice things about my XP, for me to realise I could talk to her, rant about him, then go to her for support when I still chose to be with him, and I started realising I didn't need to be defensive about our relationship, and tbh, it made me want to make the break sooner rather than later, knowing I had a friend who supported me whatever I decided.

My friend let me talk and talk, and then just kept saying 'Do what you want to do, don't worry about what anyone else thinks.'

I needed support, and quite often women in these crap relationships end up IME isolating themselves, when they have ranted about their DP's for the umpteenth time, then promptly made up with him. Lots of friends and family get totally fed up and then don't want to know, so it's great that your sis knows she has your support, whatever she decides, because IMO that's the first step back to happiness.

Hope that hasn't come across as preachy , but that's mine and a couple of other women in crap relationships experience.

HTH

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twigsblankets · 04/08/2009 22:08

Realised that may not have come across well, now I have read it back

But just to give you an example:

A friend of mine is in a crap relationship, has been for years, so every now and then, she needs to rant, and turn to someone for support. The other day when she was doubting herself, she came to me, I listened without being judgey, and at the end, she told me she had wanted to speak to her best friend, but in her words 'best friend would just be so judgey, it makes me not want to tell her anything, because I know all she is going to do is say get rid of him, and then i know she doesn't understand what it's like for me'.
I realised that a major problem for these women is being isolated. I'm happy my friend felt she could talk to someone.

Not sure if that makes much more sense but hope you SWIM.

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babyignoramus · 05/08/2009 09:10

Thanks everyone, sorry for not coming back last night.

I think the difficulty for my sis is that when he's there, she can get a night or two off a week, go to work on the weekend and get out of the house, and he is strong enough to carry their DD up the stairs which sis can't always do - she is a big 3 year old and a dead weight. I know that's not a reason to let him stay but I can understand she doesn't want to lose that help.

He's not abusive, just really, really selfish and obviously wants to be living the single 'lad' life.

I suspect he will either leave or she'll kick hm out at some point, but until then I only listen. I've told her if he acts like that when I'm there I won't be able to bite my tongue and she's given me permission to bollock him!