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AIBU/WWYD - I think I will be doing an'intervention' ..help!!

(6 Posts)
HeliumBee Tue 28-Jul-09 21:19:16

Hi
I'll try to keep this short.

What's happened:
My Dad has refused to tell my Mum where he is going after having announced he's going on holiday alone. We now find out (once he's gone - and by TEXT) that he's gone abroad to meet 'an old friend' (woman he has always fancied and recently virtually stalked in an effort to track her down).
Background:
He's NEVER organised anything EVER. He has only just got a credit card after years of not letting my Mum have one. (Presumably because he was planning this jaunt in his head). He never shows my Mum any affection - he barely looks at her - they are horrible to each other all the time - basically it's (and has been for 20 years at least) a marriage from hell. He is vertually catatonic all the time - rarely speaks - doesnt interact. (I have previously spoken to his Dr in an attempt to sort his mental state out).
Issues:
I (and to a large extent My Mum) are perfectly happy for him to go away on holiday by himself - great idea (he's actually moving off the sofa for once - unheard of!!!). But why did he have to do the whole cloak and dagger routine? We were seriously considering having him sectioned, have been worried sick he was 'going away' to jump off a cliff.
His communication with my Mum consisted of a text to say where abouts (not specific) he was going and "I'm not sleeping with X so dont even go there".
He lied when asked about where he was going.
When he did get there he sent a text along the lines of "hotel nice, hot but still comfortable, might get my paints out and go and explore" (which is bizarre given how he left, the tone of his previous text and the whole situation.
My Mum rang me at work this morning and was in a right state having not eaten/slept. She was vertually suicidal with worry, disappointment, grief, confusion etc - so I took time off to be with her.
She wants me to be with her when he returns (he said to my sister he was coming back on Saturday (though we dont know the time).
Help!!:
What do I do/say when he comes back?
It feels like I am organising some sort of intervetion type effort (though only with my Mum and me).
Any advice on dealing with probably marriage breakup of parents all welcomed as its a bit stressful and I dont know what to do!!!

bumpsoon Tue 28-Jul-09 21:28:11

Well , until he returns ,you wnont know what his real intentions have been will you? So the whole other women thing could infact be innocent ,granted thats probably not the case . If their marriage really has been horrific for the last 20 years ,then this may be a good thing for both of them in the long run ,although im sure it will be difficult for your mother to see it that way at the moment .

bumpsoon Tue 28-Jul-09 21:30:55

If it was me though i certainly wouldnt be sitting around waiting for his return,i would leave a note saying i was out swinging having lunch with friends ,dinner in the dog etc

fishie Tue 28-Jul-09 21:33:06

heliumbee i don't think there is much you can do - other than try to keep calm and not let it become too much of a drama.

Dragonesque Tue 28-Jul-09 21:33:57

I would leave it up to your mum and dad to sort out... it's their marriage...just be there if there is any aftermath.

Honestly, step away, it's their problem, they need to sort it themselves.

good luck

HeliumBee Tue 28-Jul-09 21:43:35

Thanks guys. I've been trying to sort of 'help' them realise it for years (without getting too involved or being nasty - just gentle questioning on what their plans are for retirement etc!!). Their MAJOR obstacle is that they (but mostly my Dad) just WONT talk. He literally says nothing or just walks away/goes out.
I feel bad for them both and they are both unhappy but I just know that come Saturday when he returns they'll just not say anything about it to each other and get even more unhappy and bitter.
My intentions are mostly honourable in that I want to help them both be happy (even if this does mean a bit of a trauma and breaking up etc).
However - there's also my own interests too - I am heartily sick of there always being an atmosphere - it poisened mine and my sisters childhoods (and I think directly resulting in her having mental health problems - anorexia etc) -I wont let them babysit my children together (which means I never get a break) and often feel ill after spending time there. TBH I just want it to finish - or a decision one way or t'other (I hate being in limbo about things like this).

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