..not to want to go on holiday with ds and exp?(14 Posts)
My xp has never really accepted that we are no longer a couple. He thinks that eventually I will see that we are made to be together etc etc. I left him because he is controlling and emotionally abusive. DS is nearly 3, and sees xp overnight once a week, plus xp and I go out for the day with ds one day at weekend, and he comes over for a meal one evening a week (so in effect he sees ds every other day).
Xp owns a house in France and wants me and ds to go there with him for 2 weeks. He says that ds will love the pool and have a beach holiday. I don't want to go, because I don't want to play happy families when we aren't one. XP won't take ds on his own, he wants us to have a "family holiday" (and in any case he wouldn't be able to get drunk and smoke dope every night if in sole charge of ds).
I find this really hard. He is piling on the pressure, emotional of course, and I can see myself giving in for a quiet life, as I so often did in our relationship. I have tried saying that I don't want to play happy families but he insists we ARE a family.
I know this isn't strictly AIBU but I feel the need for straight talking.
In your shoes I'd be absolutely firm about not going. I don't think I'd be spending one day of the weekend with him either.
Sounds to me like he's continuing to be controlling and emotionally manipulative, despite the fact that you have split up? If you really don't want to go, then don't. If you really have no intention of ever getting back with him, he needs to accept it and get on with his life and back off? Maybe the joint family get togethers are giving him the wrong message? How long have you been apart?
And please consider the day you spend 'together' too. It is definitely the wrong message for him. He thinks you are going to get back together because you spen this time together.
You need to disengage from him, I know it'll be hard because of his reaction, but tell him somthings cropped up the next 'day' you are supposed to have together and leave dc with him on his own and don't answer phone until it's time for you pick up dc.
On the other hand, if you do want to get back together with him you are doing the right thing.
pjmama I do worry about that. I mentioned it to him today. I think he just can't see that he is being controlling (he has always denied it even at Relate the counsellor suggested it). I have been properly away since beginning of the year, was faffing about back and forth before that, thinking it was in ds's interests.
He doesn't seem to accept things are over. He sees this holuday as a chance to re-evaluate our relationship (his words) and when he said that I just wanted to laugh. But he insists on having these heavy chats in front of ds (or even in the library today) and can't see the wrong in that, I just want the floor to open up.....
If you have no desire to "re-evaluate" your relationship, then you need to make it clear. Sounds like he's never going to let go otherwise. I may be way off base here, but the fact that you're making yourself available for these heavy chats by spending so much time with him maybe indicates that you're not ready to burn the bridge yet? If it really is over, you need to be strong and distance yourself.
You need to cut the ties, no more around your house for an evening meal, no more days out together. He sees his son without you there and not in your home.
My ex and I get on very very well together and go to sports day together etc he will sometimes have a cup of tea at my home etc but never have we played at families together like this. It's sending everyone confusing messages.
I'm with Pjmama - time to cut the cord. Stop trying to be rational and reasonable - it's not going to work. He is clearly completely blind to how you feel (and/or doesn't care). Or is it that you are still unsure?
If you really want out then you've done OK so far - just getting out at all must have been a massive struggle. But you need to complete the job.
And IME the real quality of his relationship with DS won't change. If he wants to see DS that much he will carry on whether it's at your house over a cosy dinner or on his own. If you withdraw your time and he stops seeing DS then he was only really interested in you and that's an issue better faced now than when DS is old enough to really understand the rejection.
Foot down. You are NOT NOT going to France with him and you have fully evaluated your relationship and want it to stop.
Stop being controlled. It's lovely when you are out!
Do not go - he is trying to manipulate you into believing your son MUST have this holiday...which is not true.
Tell him to go to france alone because you are not a family any more. Then go somewhere nice with ds yourself.
It is also giving your dc the wrong message that you are a couple when you say you are not. Very confusing for him. If you do want to break up properly, you need to do it cleanly, he may not like it and you probably won't like his reaction but in the long term if this is really the way to go do it cleanly for all concerned it's the best way to go.
Oh you are all SO right. I know that. But it is really hard when I know that if he doesn't get what he wants I will have to sit through a whole load of "you didn't value our relationship when ds was born and that is why weare not together" tosh culminating in me bursting into tears and him accusing me of being manipulative for crying.
Thank you everyone for your very sensble advice. I will have to email him later and then turn the phone off.
"xp and I go out for the day with ds one day at weekend, and he comes over for a meal one evening a week (so in effect he sees ds every other day)."
So what's going to happen when you meet someone else?
"if he doesn't get what he wants I will have to sit through a whole load of "you didn't value our relationship when ds was born and that is why weare not together"
No you won't. You don't have to do anything you don't want to anymore. Just leave/hang up/switch the computer off.
tell your ex that you and your b/f would love to come, of course do mention that you are ok with it if me and my b/f sleep together you will not feel awkward with another man in the family?
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