to pressurise Dh into taking a half-day off work?

[Aranea]

DD1 has a long-awaited assessment at the child development centre. I really don't want to have to bring the baby along too, as I want to be able to concentrate properly on what is going on.

My mum works from flexibly from home and so is very supportive and helpful with babysitting etc. However dd2 is in full-blown separation anxiety stage, and last time I left her with my mum she spent much of the time completely hysterical.

I want DH to take a half-day off work to look after dd2 so I can take dd1 to the appointment. He has finally agreed to do so, but actually would much prefer to save the holiday time up. The only reason he has agreed to do it is that I reminded him about dd2 screaming last time I had to leave her.

I am obviously worried about dd1 and a bit anxious about the appointment. I think it is a serious and important occasion. And I feel that he is being unsupportive in assuming that my mum ought to be the one taking the time to help out.

I pointed out that she would bend over backwards to help, even if she were under pressure workwise. I'm sure she would work till 4am if necessary to make up the time and not tell me, if she thought I needed her. His reponse was to say that even if he worked till 4am it wouldn't help, and that he couldn't work that flexibly and that it would mean him losing a day's holiday. I just feel that on an important day for his daughter, he should be the one stepping up to the mark and providing support and back-up.

AIBU?

[Aranea]

anyone?

[IwishIwasmoreorganised]

IMO you are not being a bit unreasonable but I'm sure that there are others who wil disagree!

[cjones2979]

YANBU!!!!

Your situation sounds very similar to mine!! My Mum is always on hand to help out as much as she can but sometimes it really is asking too much, especially when a child is going to get hysterical, as you say DD2 did last time you left her.

Your DH should be more supportive. At the end of the day, they are his children as well as yours, not your mums, so why shouldn't he take the time off willingly when you ask him??

I have had this struggle with my DH. My DS1 is ASD & when we were going through the assessment & diagnosis process, it was my mum that came along to the appointments with me because DH couldn't possibly take the time off!!! In fact, he did book the day off for one of the appointments, then phoned me from work the day before to say that they had asked him if there was any chance he could work the next day & he felt that he should!!! I was so upset!! In the end, my mum took the time off work to come with me.

We now have DS2 who is 10 months old, and DS1 is 5.8 and my mum will always look after the baby for me while I attend meetings at school or appointments for DS1.

My advice is don't back down!! You need to go to that appointment knowing DD2 is happy at home with Daddy, not upset or hysterical at being left with someone else, as this will only play on your mind.

Why are men so bloody selfish??!!!

Good luck!!!

[wonderingwondering]

No, you are not being unreasonable. He has responsibilities, his holiday isn't just for him to enjoy himself anymore.

Every parent has to take time out of work to do things for their children rather than for themselves.

And it is his responsibility, not your mum's. Sounds like he needs to grow up a bit, sorry.

[Aranea]

thank you people!

DH says I am misrepresenting him now. (obviously I thought it would be helpful to show him some responses... )

He wishes it to be known that he did in fact say that if he knew my mum would be working till 4am he would of course take the time off work.

Doesn't change anything for me, but in the interests of fairness I thought I would pass it on.

[cjones2979]

Men always say things like "oh, if I had known......".

What they don't understand is that it shouldn't come down to whether they had known something or not, and wouldn't have done if they just said "yes" without quibble in the first place!! lol

[Aranea]

rofl cjones. Your post is a weirdly accurate echo of a conversation on my sofa at the moment.

[unavailable]

"He has finally agreed to do so, but actually would much prefer to save the holiday time up."

Well, in an ideal world, of course anyone would rather do something fun with their holidays, but he has agreed so what are you complaining about?

[wonderingwondering]

Yes, he's not there to fill in when your mum can't, he should be your primary support. I think he may have got the message now....!

[Aranea]

anyway, my point really is that it's irrelevant whether my mum would or would not need to work late to catch up. I just think that these are his children and I am his wife and I am upset and worried and he bloody well ought to be part of all of this.

[Aranea]

unavailable - I'm complaining because I want to feel that we are in this together, not that I have bullied him into reluctantly doing something he'd rather not.

[cjones2979]

Too right!!! You stick to your guns girl & complain all you like!!!

[NotPlayingAnyMore]

YANBU!

How is his attitude towards the assessment and DD's potential needs generally?

[unavailable]

I absolutely understand why you dont want to feel you have to bully him into things.

I think I was "projecting" a bit, and remembering when I was working full time and trying to juggle everything that comes with a young family and remembering how just one "extra" thing made the week seem like a mountain to climb.

In times like that, I would have gladly ducked out of some things (unfortunately, not an option)so I empathised with his first reaction.

When he thought about it, he did know he was BU, so no harm done.

[Aranea]

NotPlaying, don't worry, that's not the issue. If it was I'd be a lot more upset.

unavailable - thanks, that's a helpful perspective. (I'm still pissed off with him though)