What do you make of this then ?

[OrphanAnnie]

Am utterly pissed off with my mother.
About 9 years ago, just as my brother was taking his GCSE's my mother got her boobs done, costing £7,000 and making it clear that brother was now to go out to work, no question of supporting him through A' Levels or Uni, but the money was there to lift saggy tits
Anyway she's always been quite proud of her body and has put a photo of herself on facebook wearing a very skimpy bikini and joking about her white bits. Well somebody commented oohh haven't you got a great figure for 53 and she responded oh it's all about keeping fit and dieting
Well I couldn't resist and comment "oh is that the secret lol"
To which the orginal person put ha ha have you had your boobs done X ?

So all of this is quite amusing and minor, but mother phones me for the first time in 3 weeks to rant about my comments.
Now as a side to this I had a miscarriage 3 weeks ago and the first thing my mother wants to talk to me about is this ? My husband has been out of work nearly 9 months, my mother was meant to be having our older kids for a week in the holidays so DH and I could have a few days to ourself to get stuff done in the house, but she's "forgotten" about this and is deliberately ignoring any reminders about it.
This latest rubbish just seems like the final straw, we don't seem to have a relationship, she just wants to have the DC's on display at family occasions and makes no effort to see them any other time too.
AIBU to just not bother any more ?

[Doodle2u]

She does sound a teeny weeny bit shallow.

I'd withdraw for a bit and re-group your own little family. If she's unreliable, it'll be the children who'll feel hurt by it.

[Mamazon]

YANBU.

I think i'd tell my mother to grow up and act her age if she was parading in a bikini on the net at 53.

[HerBeatitude]

Hmm

She sounds like a loon

[OrphanAnnie]

She does, doesn't she ?
I just feel awful cos I don't talk to my father after he walked out of my wedding because he got a better offer on the evening, so he sneaked out without saying goodbye to anyone and I found out the next day from his wife where he went to, hence the Orphan Annie username, my poor DC's I had such lovely grandparents

[Rollergirl1]

I would say don't make any rash decisions. She does sound pretty selfish but I don't think she's going to change now and you need to be realistic about that. How about just stepping back for a little while and composing yourself. Have you ever sat down and told her how she makes you feel?

[OrphanAnnie]

Yes, I wrote to her about 9 years ago and told her how she made me feel, she suggested that I "fucked off once and for all" this was before DC1 was born and so when I tried to do just that she went nuts.

[Tortington]

she sounds like a twat. fuck her off

[hambler]

She sounds like a piece of work, but I do think you should avoid making sarky personal remarks about her on FB

[OrphanAnnie]

You're right but unfortunately it does wind me up how obsessed she is with her and my appearance, when I had acne as a teenager I showed her my shoulders which were really painful and she screamed in horror, that's how sensitive she is towards me.
When I had my 2nd child I went down to 8 stone (i'm 6') due to pnd and she said it was about time I shed the puppy fat so I couldn't resist I'm afraid.

[Rollergirl1]

Can you think of any positives within your relationship with her or her relationship with your DC's?

Are your DC's close to their other grandparents?

[OrphanAnnie]

Honestly ? I can't think of anything beyond Christmas presents and Birthday money in a card that they gain from the relationship at all.
Unfortunately they rarely see DH's father as he ran off with another woman 300 miles away and his mother is a complete hypocontriact who may actually be genuinely ill for once so they see her every few weeks but she's not the warmest of individuals.

[hambler]

Ooh, she sounds worse and worse!
can you phone her directly and say "what dates suit you to have the older kids as agreed?"

[OrphanAnnie]

Well I could but do I want to I guess is what I'm rambling on about it a round about way.
She'll never change because she's happy enough as she is.
At what point can you say enough is enough and stuff the lot of them ?
DH is an only child, my siblings are either abroad or on a different planet (in their 20's), it just seems such a shame the poor DC's basically have DH and I and each other and that's it

[WhereYouLeftIt]

YANBU at all. In fact, I'd go for broke and post on Facebook not only that she HAD had a boob job but also a suggestion that up close and personal they look as if they need aretread. Piss her off big time! Always better to be hung for a sheep ...

[OrphanAnnie]

I've deleted her from facebook after she denied volunteering to have the children, if only RL was that easier grrrr

[MoonchildNo6]

I wouldn't put your kids with her. She treated you and your brother like crap and continues to do so - do you want her to treat your DCs like that too?

She has made her bed, let her lie in it. I think you will be a lot happier with her negative influences.

Good luck.

[Morloth]

OrphanAnnie "She'll never change because she's happy enough as she is."

There you go then, you know where she stands, you just have to decide whether you want to be part of it or not.

[OrphanAnnie]

Would you bother to email or just cold shoulder ?

The poor Dc's I feel utterly terrible for them, nearly bad enough to do more with the GP's they have who to be fair don't let them down, just shag other people and attention seek all the time

[Morloth]

Just don't bother contacting her again. If she contacts you polite but distant.

Your DCs are better off without toxic people in their lives.

[TheBolter]

I think that flatly refusing any contact with her will give her the message that she cannot behave in such an unacceptable way TO HER OWN DAUGHTER FFS .

She will not like it, and will, from the sound of her, be incredibly self-righteous and want to play the poor victim card, but I really believe a zero-tolerance policy is the only way forward here. It's not as if you haven't tried.

God, I hate stubborn, spoilt, self righteous types who are completely blinkered and unable to see the error of their ways.

Sorry, I know she's your mum and I guess you love her. I hope my words don't offend. I just feel really cross for you. I guess it's because I have a slightly selfish mother that this has struck a nerve. (I have also just drunk a bottle of Magners (classy) which might be raising the aggro tempo a little ).

[OrphanAnnie]

I'm not offended at all I like your style, I guess because I did cut my dad off, my mum has got away with far more than she should have because I felt like she's all I and the DC's have but she's not worth having is she ?

[TheBolter]

Hmmm, I can see that 'losing' your father may have made you feel more needy? Do you see his rejection as a reflection of your own self-worth? Do you feel that should you also lose your mother you might feel like a failure? If so, please don't. Sometimes it's about looking at the situation from the outside, and deciding what is best for you - even if it is a life without them. Losing that sense of need will give you more strength.