biting

[pamelat]

DD is almost 18 months and has been at nursery for 2 months or so.

I walked in today to find her crying and she had just (2 minutes prior) been bitten.

Normally they dont tell the parents which child has bitten who but there was only my daughter and one other little girl there, with her mum telling her she was naughty, so obviously she was the one.

I appreciate that biting is a phase (my DD slaps instead).

The girl that had bitten my DD was 21 months so again its the "usual" age but I was quite surprised as the mum did not see particulary interested.

Sure she said "sorry" and shrugged in a 'what can you do' kind of way and I was nice to her, felt sorry for her to be honest because I would have been mortified

Turns out that this little girl has bitten a few children in the last month or so. She has bitten my friends daughter 3 times in a month!

Now AIBU to think that nursery should have kept a closer eye on a child known to bite? This happened late in the day when there was a ration of 2 staff members to 2 toddlers.

Also AIBU to think that the mum could have grovelled a bit more ?!

My poor DD has bite marks and a big bruise on her "poorly" as she keeps telling me.

[SoupDragon]

YABU

[earlyriser]

YABU my dd has 3 bite marks from her brother TODAY! he is so quick that it is almost impossible to stop him before he gets his teeth into her, even if i'm right next to them.

You'd have to muzzled the biter in order to stop them. Actually, that's not a bad idea, wonder if i can borrow one from next door's dog??

[Noonki]

yabu -

as a mother of a hitter you should know that making a big thing of it is a surefire way to make it worse.
and what do you expect nursery staff to do, follow her around for 7 hours a day ready to pounce if she bares her teeth.

[Lulumama]

i felt like you when i had ds, he was bitten several times, once on the face at nursery. it was awful.

i was full of fury and anger at the parents and the nursery

then i had DD, who was a biter

and i see it from both sides

you are being unreasonable, the mum is most likely mortified and under usual circs you would not know who the biter is

[shootfromthehip]

Now as the mum of a biter, I have a different angle here. The first time my DD bit someone I was mortified. Totally. I burst into tears. I was utterly horrified and took her home (we were at playgroup). I didn't go back for a fortnight. The second time I was angry- angry with her and for the judgy attitudes I got from the other parents. But I was still mortified. After a while I started to apologise and then do the shrugging/ 'what can you do?' thing. It's like self flagellation. You can only make so much of a fuss of the child and be horrified at your own child before little bits of you want to curl up and die.

I am not a bad parent, I have NEVER bitten my DD and I do not* condone what she did, but if it happens more than once you are at a loss as to what to do. It is really embarrassing and you wish the ground would swallow you. But it still feels like a reflection on you and it isn't. Kids bite. They just do it. It's aggressive and horrible and some children just do it.

Oh you've touched a nerve here with this for me. I still feel mortified.

So to answer your question I do think that YAB a little U.

[barnsleybelle]

I'm confused as you say the mother wasn't interested, but yet you heard her telling her dd it was naughty

She probably didn't want to go into details with you as she too was probably mortified and couldn't wait to escape.

can i ask what you expected her to do?

[wolfnipplechips]

YABU its horrible i know but it happens and the other mum is probably mortified my friend has always been on her high horse about biting hitting etc and her 2nd dd is now the class biter.

[largeginandtonic]

Oh i have a biter too. Tis terrible.

He favours the girl next door. I would have to follow him round all the time to stop him.

Well i do follow him round as he is such a horror. He bites when he wants something, usually a wrestle over a toy.

It is hard, i am mortified when he does it and make a HUGE deal about it. Smack and stair and apologising to the girl. He is just 2 and she is almost 3.

Am i doing the wrong thing by making a big deal?

[muppet]

I have only had 7 children, he is the first to bite though in my defence

[pamelat]

When I walked in she was saying to her DD "oh X have you been a naughty girl" but in a sing song voice.

Like you say maybe its her way of dealing with it.

MY DD has never made violent physical contact with anyone other than me (oh dear), but she threatens to slap other children and am sure she will soon she makes the motion to do so but always "misses". I really tell her off, and then she normally slaps me properly

I just wondered whether the nursery should have kept an eye on the little girl as she obviously has a history of this when its one on one. Maybe they could try to prevent it?

It was over a book so a struggle must have ensued first?

[LaaDeDa]

My ds was bitten once on Friday and once today by the same child.
I was standing beside him when he was bitten today as i work in the nursery and i, as a staff member AND his mother, was unable to prevent this from happening.
It wouldn't have mattered how many staff were there - the bite only takes a second to do and unless we keep the biter in isolation then they will have a period of hours/days/weeks when they don't bite and everyone's guard lets down a bit and then wham! - they've bitten again.

I feel sad for my ds as i'm sure you do for your dd - it's horrid when they've been hurt but i'd really hate to be the parent of the biter and to be fair - what reaction can the other mother really give? The mum didn't bite, she wasn't there and i'm sure she is embarrassed if this is a regular thing.

My dd was bitten a few times by one child when she was small at nursery. She is still friends with the same child and plays with him all the time at school. It probably matters a lot more to us as parents than it does to the kids!

[pamelat]

ok fair enough. I accept I am being unreasonable in this instance.

[plimple]

My child is a biter (25 months). I am a childminder. It is awful.
She knows it is wrong. I am on hand, yet it still happens.
I fill out an accident form for the parents and tell exactly as it happens. I separate my DD and give comfort to the bitten. After her time out my DD must say sorry. I talk to my DD about it, I tell her Dad when he gets in, she has no treats on a day she has bitten. I am forever reinforcing the biting is not acceptable rule.
Last week it happened as I was photographing DD and a mindee - obviously all was well as I photographed, I stopped as soon as an argument began.
I am incredibly apologetic to parents as I feel blimmin' ashamed. She is MY child and it's on MY watch. I used to think the same as you when I heard a friend's daughter was bitten at nursery - who was watching them? Short of keeping my DD within arms reach at all times or not allowing her within arms reach of the other children what am I supposed to do?

[barnsleybelle]

pam... It's entirely possible that your dd slapped her first????
I just think you have to be very careful at this age as they all have their moments where we want to crawl up our arses. It's possible your dd will be at this nursery for a long time and also entirely possible you will have your own apologies to make

[traceybath]

YABU but understandably so.

DS1 was bitten at school a couple of weeks ago by a 5 year old - i was more annoyed by this than when he was bitten at 18 months as had presumed that children were out of that phase by then.

That child's parents didn't say anything to me at all which i was a little surprised at.

[shootfromthehip]

Yeah but a biter is not biting all the time. They may fight someone for a book and win- no problem. They may fight someone for a book and not win- tears. They may fight someone for a book and then bit mid struggle. You cannot stop a child interacting with other children because they may produce some rather antisocial behaviour. It is not predictable and they can stop it as quickly as they start it. It is horrible but not and exact science.

Sorry to sound harsh as I know something rather unpleasant has happened to your DD but it does happen very quickly and unpredictably.

[pamelat]

yep thanks all, have accepted am i/was unreasonable.

Its still not nice but I appreciate that nothing can be done, no ones fault etc.