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to expect more sensitivity and understanding from friend who has just had baby

(15 Posts)
ray81 Wed 17-Jun-09 19:37:34

ok history i have DD who is 7 have been trying for another for 5 yrs, have had 4 miscarriages, last one 4 weeks ago and one before that in nov.

Well this friend i have known for 20 yrs, she feel pg in oct and i was 6 weeks behind her, i lost she didnt. i then fell again and lost at 8 weeks although didnt find out til 10 weeks had erpc 4 weeks ago. This friend has not been in anyway senditive and has made very hurtful comments thoughtout her pg but i have never ever said anything. She had her baby last weds morn i got a text, i texted congrats back and asked her what she called her never got a response. i work 8 til 6 so worked thurs fri sat and mon and called her yesterday no ansa called today again no ansa. sent text and got a response saying she is fine but i have upset her as havent called before now. bearing in mind i have ben working and that i didnt want to bombared her as soon as she was home.
also this week i have found out that i have a serious medical condition causeing the miscarriages and any future pgs will be very dangerous for mine and babys life so have been trying to get my head around that also. she doesnt know this of course as havent spoken to her. I wanted to call her and tell her but didnt as she has just had a baby and has alot on her plate.

AIBU to expect alittle bit of understanding from her about how i feel and how busy i have been and for her to realise that there could possibly be something else going on in my life that is very important and shocking so have had other things on my mind. Or should i have forgotten about my feelings and problems so i wouldnt upset her ?

HaventSleptForAYear Wed 17-Jun-09 19:39:51

She will be very centred on her baby right now, pfb and all that and will think it's the most important thing in the world.

Try not to fall out over this, you will need friends to help you get through this tough time.

Sorry to hear your bad news. sad

Morloth Wed 17-Jun-09 19:41:42

I think YABU actually. She has just had her baby and is in the bubble.

It isn't about you.

cathcat Wed 17-Jun-09 19:42:53

YANBU if you know all the facts of the story. But she does not know all the facts yet so maybe give her chance to know everything.

I totally sympathise with your feelings about her hurtful comments - could it be that she was so wrapped up in her pregnancy that she kept putting her foot in it without realising? Or maybe she just didn't know how to comfort you so avoided the situation.

Sorry to hear of your condition btw.

Peachy Wed 17-Jun-09 19:44:19

I am so sorry for yourlosses and news, sounds like you have ahorrid time.

TBH my guess is that it'sjust two people in vulnerable positions here rather than any intention to hurt. Of ocurse she has her baby and she is blessed by that, but it can be a hard time for many emotionally, chuck in a few hormones and sleepless nights and it truly is a volatilemix.

My suggestion would be to go buy a flash card, send it to her then leave it a bit- pop something in the card to act as a 'get out of jail free' token: somethinga long the lines of recognising how precious these first few weeks are, letting her have thosewith the DP and then getting together for coffee. That's maybe the time to chat about your news.

I hope you get help with your condition, if tehre's a support group consider making contact as it can help to talk to others in the same boat. But mostly be gentle on yourself- sounds awful

MamaG Wed 17-Jun-09 19:44:32

I'm sorry but YABU

I was like a zombie for days after my last baby, my phone was switched off, I didn't answer teh landline and my hormones were WHOOOOSHING around everywhere

FairMidden Wed 17-Jun-09 19:44:46

Sorry for your bad news. I don't think it's about unreasonableness. You're both, for different reasons, going through the mill a bit right now. You both have a lot to deal with. You both deserve a bit of slack.

I think the best thing you can do is try not to let this come between you - if you are good friends it will pass over. She's a hormonal loony right now and you have had some bad news to deal with. Once a little water has gone under the bridge it will hopefully all be forgotten.

fucksticks Wed 17-Jun-09 19:47:20

You both ABU I think.
You are both out of sorts though, her with new baby hormones and you with upset over your recent bad news.
Go see her soon, say sorry for not getting there sooner but you've had a bit of bad news and didnt want to burden her in her new baby happiness.
Give it a few days and you'll be back to good friends again. x

throckenholt Wed 17-Jun-09 19:54:58

send her a card and say I hope you are having a great time with your new baby. I am sorry I haven't been in touch - I have been busy and am also having a tough time at the moment- I will talk to you about it in a few weeks once you have found your feet a bit.

funtimewincies Wed 17-Jun-09 19:56:30

Hi ray81, I knew that you'd mc'd and were having tests but I'd not heard about the medical condition, so I'm very sorry to hear about your situation sad.

YANBU to hope for a little time to tell her this news but I remember how wrapped up I was when ds was born. The days just disappeared in a haze of constant feeding and sleep deprivation. When I finally came round he was 3 months old!

If you can, give it another week or 2 and then try to arrange to meet up. Also be prepared for her to be telling you all the ins and outs of caring for a newborn. It might not even cross her mind that this might hurt you, it's just her world at the moment. Not ideal, I know.

ray81 Wed 17-Jun-09 20:10:59

Thanks funtime. I do remember when i had my DD that it all went by in a haze so thats why i didnt expect her to be upset about me not calling her as of yet. she knows i work very long hrs and only have 2 days off and dont get in til late, i wouldnt want to call in the evening as she also has a 2yr old dd and i know the phone disturbs her so yest was the first chance i got to call to catch up.
The thing is i spoke to her a few weeks ago and said i couldnt wait to meet baby and id come over as soon as i could after she was born and she asked me not to as she would have lots of family round so thats another reason for me not to call. Its been less then a week since she had the baby and i know how busy that time is.
I just cant understand why she is upset with me when she asked me not to go over and the baby isnt even a week old. when my nephew was born i didnt see him until he was 7 days old as my sis didnt want any visitors and i respected that so was trying to do the same he

TBH i dont think her comments were ever meant to hurt and thats why i never said anything but when you have just had a mc and people say awful things to you they will hurt. she has never had pg losses so i knew she wouldnt know how i felt so havent made an issue out of any comments. But i think she is being unreasonable by asking me not to go over etc and then getting upset when i dont call as i am busy. I havent NOT called because of the miscarriages or the consultant thing but because i have been working so not getting home til late and because i wanted to give her time to get settled.

funtimewincies Wed 17-Jun-09 20:22:51

I'm wondering if she's a little afraid and not knowing how to handle the situation at the moment, if she's asked you not to go round yet. I've found that even close friends have dropped off the radar since I started having my mcs and I have to make a real effort to stay in touch. I think that they're afraid of asking 'how are you' and getting the response, 'not bad, but I've had another mc'. I'm waiting until they spy the bump smile.

It's a horrible situation for you to be in sad.

BalloonSlayer Wed 17-Jun-09 20:47:05

I wonder whether she has had that thing we all experience - that the family who she has expected to be all over the place have turned out to be significantly less interested in her second child? Therefore she has been feeling a bit lonely and un-fussed-over, has conveniently forgotten that she told you to stay away and has taken her feelings out on you. Just a guess...

IME people can be very sympathetic about miscarriages but once they have had their baby do not expect you to continue to feel upset for your own situation in the light of their great joy. And I don't really blame them. BUT I had several experiences a little like yours and know how you feel. It's a difficult one.

Sorry for what you are going through sad. Hope you and your friend make up.

Baconsarnie Wed 17-Jun-09 20:49:05

YANBU. It sounds like she's a bit of a hormonal mess at the moment, so cut her some slack though. And I'm so sorry about your bad news.

Guitargirl Wed 17-Jun-09 21:02:53

I don't think you are being unreasonable AT ALL!

It's only one week since the baby was born after all and it's impossible to know when the best time to call is in the early days when baby and mum could be sleeping at any time.

Of course you can't expect her to be understanding about a condition that she is not aware of yet so I would reserve judgement until you decide the time is right to share it with her. BUT in your position I think I would be quite miffed that your friend had had a go about the not calling yet. Am not saying it's the case here but I do think some pregnant/post-partum women seem to think it gives them an excuse to behave as badly as they like with the 'hormonal' get out of jail free card hmm.

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