to wish friends would stop telling DH he doesn't need to lose weight?

[OrmIrian]

He is overweight atm. Bigger than he has ever been. He drinks quite a bit and has d started smoking again. He goes to the gym once or twice a week but it's mainly a social occasion and he hates going without a friend. And he rarely does any CV work just body building.

I suspect his BMI is probably on the higher side of normal but they way he is going it is only going to get worse. His dad was big too and died quite young from cancer but he also had a heart condition. He knows he needs to give up the fags but that is something only he can do. He has cut back on the beer quite a bit recently so I am not too worried about that. He refused to come running with me and he dislikes walking unless it can't be avoided.

In order to encourage him to lose some weight I agreed to diet with him. I don't really need to lose weight but it wouldn't do any harm, but the main reason was to encourage him.

But every time we meet up with friends they say something along the lines of 'Oh why are you on a diet. You don't need to lose weight.' Problem is he is very muscular across the chest and shoulders so he doesnt look too bad dressed. I sometimes feel like pulling up his shirt and saying "Really? Well look at that gut then!" But that would be unkind and probably unwifely

So now he's stopped dieting. Refuses to countenance it anymore.

[Ronaldinhio]

Gentle encouragement might work better...

it sounds as though this is an issue for you and not necessarily for him...in terms of health and attractiveness.
Explain that to him, if it's the case, and tell him why you feel he needs to diet.

I'd love my dh to have pecs and shoulders again but he can't be arsed and what can I do?
(have an affair with the man from the front of Men's Health dreaming emoticon)

[OrmIrian]

Yes. I have tried that. Suggesting that he eat a little less, doesn't snack last thing at night, I have tried reducing his portions but he just finishes off the DC's meals amd mine if I don't finish .

It is an issue for me I must admit. I do worry about his health - all the weight is round his abdomen which is the worst place for it to be. And if I'm honest I do find it unnattractive. He doesn't like being fat either. He got very upset when he had to buy 36" waist trousers recently. But it is too much effort to do something serious about. And when he is being constantly told told that he's OK as he is where is the motivation.

[Ronaldinhio]

People never tell the truth about other people's weight. They either lie to fat people telling them they are fine or pretend there is nothing wrong when someone is clearly almost dead from malnutrition

Change all the carbs in the house...stealth dieting for dh...hahaha

roasted veg and protein for dinner
salad to fill up
shepherds pie with carrot and swede etc etc
don't buy any beer
sweet potato wedges etc
do the bbq summer thing...lots of meat and salad just no burgers

Does he like competitve sport?
My friend in work has got her husband to shed almost a stone by playing the dreaded and dreadful Wii fit every evening as he would rather die than be beaten by her in a game...just an idea..?

[OrmIrian]

Funnily enough we were on a low-carb plan to lose weight. It works a treat for both of us and it is easier for DH to follow than a low-fat cottage cheese and lettuce diet .

But you are right - the big bang approach didn't work will have to try the softly-softly approach. Just wish I had a grown up for a DH.....

[TheFallenMadonna]

Are you miffed at DH's friends for telling him he doesn't need to lose weight or at DH for listening to them? Or is it a general pissed-offness with him. You don't sound affctionately exasperated. You sound pissed off. And there are lots of s, which isn't a good thing when talking about a DH. Worse than I think...

[OrmIrian]

Only 3 s madonna. I think that is within acceptable limits?

I am fed up with him mostly - as he wants to lose weight and gets upset about the growing girth. But also don't understand why they feel obliged to say that to him. If he were giving up fags they wouldn't say 'don't be daft, you don't want to do that' would they?

[ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight]

People don't like other people to change their behaviour for the better if it's something they themselves can't/won't change. Eg drug addicts will encourage others to use/stay using drugs as a way to validate their own behaviour. My bf was a bit strange when I lost a chunk of weight before - she kept making comments like i was 'taking it too far' and 'getting obsessed' and she'd turn up at my house with masses of crisps or cake. Not conscious, but being overweight herself I think she didn't want to 1-examine her own diet and 2- feel guilty for not losing weight. Any of this going on?

[fishie]

yy orm, what is the matter with these men? dh has just been told he is borderline obese and so i am suggesting things he could cut out of his diet - like having two sandwiches instead of three. anything i say is met with horror and outrage. he has a very healthy diet, just TOO MUCH of it.

his bloody doctor has told him to cut out fried food and salt. i don't cook that sort of food! apparently they have agreed that he will soon lose weight if he gives up chocolate. i think doc imagines a 6 mars bars a day habit, not the few squares of 80% cocoa that he eats.

i already only feed him soup 5 evenings a week, but he is having half a loaf of bread and a bottle of beer with it. aaargh.

[thumbwitch]

Orm, I wouldn't be too sure that if he were trying to give up ciggies that his friends wouldn't try and stop him! As kat2907 says, it's amazing how others try and stop someone else trying to better themselves in some way - it makes them feel secretly guilty about themselves, therefore they feel uncomfortable; the source of the discomfort is the person trying to better themselves, so if you stop them doing that, then the discomfort goes away.

ACan you do a Waist to hip ratio on your DH? It is a better indicator of health risk than BMI, especially if he does bodybuilding. look here to see what it should be and to enter his measurements.

In the end, if he feels uncomfortable about his own size, he should value his own feelings above other people's random comments - has he no sense of self-worth?

[fishie]

oh yes orm and dh is still on nicorette gum 7 years after stopping smoking [thud]

[OrmIrian]

Thanks everyone.

fishie - DH has given up fags about once a year for the last 10. Sometimes it lasts a whole month. So I have given up going on about it now.

thumb - he has a strong sense of self-worth which is great. But he could do with a little more self-knowledge perhaps.

kat2907 - there is some of that going on with at least 2 of our friends. Mainly directed to me rather than DH TBH. I have lost a lot recently at an age when a lot of my female friends have put it on. I think DH gets the fallout from that sometimes.

[OrmIrian]

Thanks everyone.

fishie - DH has given up fags about once a year for the last 10. Sometimes it lasts a whole month. So I have given up going on about it now.

thumb - he has a strong sense of self-worth which is great. But he could do with a little more self-knowledge perhaps.

kat2907 - there is some of that going on with at least 2 of our friends. Mainly directed to me rather than DH TBH. I have lost a lot recently at an age when a lot of my female friends have put it on. I think DH gets the fallout from that sometimes.

[Curiousmama]

Hope your dh sees sense soon. Dp and I are trying to exercise more and I've cut down especially bread.

Thumbwitch thanks for that link, I'm slightly over so a bit of an apple.

[Olifin]

YAB a teensy BU, IMO.

I can understand that you are worried about his health (and would prefer him looking a bit more buff, perhaps!) but it doesn't sound like he's massively overweight:

'Problem is he is very muscular across the chest and shoulders so he doesnt look too bad dressed.'

So he's not exactly fat, by the sounds of things. I would also be very interested to see if MNers responses would be different if the roles were reversed. i.e. if it were a man saying, of his female partner:

' I sometimes feel like pulling up her shirt and saying "Really? Well look at that gut then!" '

A bit harsh, non?

Nonetheless, if you want to gently encourage him, not having any snacks in the house always helps (although he's an adult, so nothing to stop him buying them himself, of course!) and applauding his efforts at exercise might boost his ego sufficiently. Would he consider swimming? Dancing? Circuit training? Wii Fit? There must be some sort of CV exercise he could enjoy, just a case of finding out what it is.

[Olifin]

Ooooh, and I agree with kat that others sometimes have strange motives (perhaps that they are unaware of!) for saying 'you don't need to lose weight'.

Being very short and of small build, I get this a lot from larger friends. 'Don't go too far..' 'You're starting to look a bit gaunt' etc.. None of which is true. I am actually at the upper weight range for my height but I'm still small compared to lots of people so I suppose they feel guilty/jealous/inadequate if they perceive that I am trying to keep my weight down and think they should be doing the same. I just tell them 'it's all relative!'

[slayerette]

I agree with Kat too - I have lost a stone and a half this year and my friend - who is lovely, btw - was saying yesterday 'Ooh you're getting skeletal, there'll be nothing left of you' - I'm still just under 11 stone

So be aware of friends who try to sabotage someone succeeding at something they have ishoos with themselves, perhaps.

[BonsoirAnna]

No-one can lose weight until they find the motivation within themselves. Your DH needs to want to lose weight for himself. Does he?

[OrmIrian]

Who knows anna? I thought he did but I suspect like all of us he wants to lose it magically without effort overnight

olifin - he is carrying too much around his middle - there can be no doubt about it. I would never be as mean as I suggested but I do get tempted. He tells me he knows he needs to lose some weight and agrees to cut down a bit but it only takes someone telling him 'oh you're OK as you are' for all his resolve to fly away.

[Olifin]

Ha Ha! I love how us women are all 'Ooooohhhh...they're jealous...they've got ulterior motives' if someone tells us not to lose any more weight; while a man, it seems, will just go 'Oh, all right then, you've twisted my arm, I'll have another cake'

[OrmIrian]

Oh yes! That is so true.

Funnily enough DH has somehow managed to lose 6lbs this week

[Morloth]

Get rid of his carbs and give the man more meat .

DH will run if necessary but mostly does weight work (hehe much like me). When he wants to remove any holiday/drinkies fat from his tummy, he drops his carbs to under 20grms a day and really gets into the meat/protein/fat stuff.

It drives me feckin' mental that he can lose 10kgs in under a month doing this.

Thing is though, if he is happy being a bit fat, drinking what he wants and having a smoke then he is an adult and is entitled to do so. You might just need to accept that that is the way he is and is the way he wants to be.

[OrmIrian]

We were on a low-carb diet morloth when he decided to stop. I know it works - does for me. He loves his bread, rice, pasta.... not to mention pasties and pork pies. I'm on to a loser here aren't I?

[Stigaloid]

Portion control. I started doing this with my husband and made a big difference (he is not lardy but eats a lot sometimes). Just give him the food he likes but in smaller portions or on smaller plates. that way he won't feel he is dieting but isn't eating as many calories.

[Morloth]

Sounds like it Orm, if he doesn't actually WANT to lose it then he isn't going to. He has clearly decided that he will accept a bit of a chub as a consequence of the good life.

To be fair, if you reversed your post think about how this board would have reacted if it was a man posting the exact same thing about a woman?

[OrmIrian]

Oh I know morloth. TBH I sometimes have some sympathy for partners when that happens though - you can love someone warts and all, it doesn't mean you still find them as attractive does it? It has got to a point with Dh when it feels like putting your arms around the a large marshmallow. Which isn't great tbh.

I would never say 'oy fattie, lose some weight or I'll leave you!' which is the kind of thing that MNers have complained about before, but I don't think it's unfair to encourage him to lose weight when he says he wants to anyway.