to think that certain members of my family are completely out of order?

[sadandshocked]

my grandad died last week.
hed been ill for quite some time and it wasnt a surprise but still .

2 well 3 members of my family i feel are completely out of order IMO.

my mum who never really got on with my grandad,(he was her stepdad),and last year said that his feeding tube should be pulled and he be "allowed to die".

she has referred to him as "the living dead".

i phoned her the other day to say he would be ready for viewing a couple of days before the funeral and she said "thats because he will be in an icebox and they will need to defrost him".

one of my sisters has fell out with me and my other sister because she has abandoned her teenage daughter at my mums house (she is 16) and has moved away with friends and hardly bothers with her,me and my sister have told her what we thought,(this was weeks ago before he died) and now she says she isnt going to travel in the funeral car but is going to make her own way there,which will really upset my uncle who has arranged the funeral.

my neice has been lying and taking money off my mum pleading poverty and then asking me to use my card to pay for things and she,ll give me the cash.i dont know if i should tell my mum or keep out of it,i havent let her use my card btw,ive told her there isnt any money in the bank for the amount that she needs.

im feeling very very upset and stressed and unsure how to deal with it all.

[sunnygirl1412]

Firstly my condolences on your loss, sadandshocked. Even when someone is ill for quite some time, it's still a real shock when it happens, and my heart goes out to you.

Your mum's comments are utterly out of order, and you're not being unreasonable to be upset - they shocked me, and I didn't know your grandad.

Regarding your sister, I think that all you can do is tell her that you think your uncle will be upset if she doesn't travel in the funeral car, and then leave it up to her. You will be there for your uncle and so that you and he can support each other.

The situation with your niece is a difficult one too. Perhaps you could confront her and tell her that you know what's going on, and that if it continues, you'll have to tell your mum about it - a hugely difficult thing to do, I know, but it does give her the chance to change her ways.

Take care of yourself.
Hugs
sunnygirl.

[AMumInScotland]

Ok, you have a few separate situations there...

Your mum may sound heartless about your stepdad, but it's possible that it's her way of dealing with a situation where she's confused about her own feelings. It's not that heartless to suggest removing a feeding tube if he was only being kept alive artificially and had no real quality of life - personally I hope never to have to be kept going in that way and would sooner be "let go". OTOH she may be as heartless as she sounds - hard to say from this distance.

If the rest of you are going in the car, then I guess your other sister doesn't want to feel "cooped up" with you after the argument, either because she knows she was in the wrong or because she is still angry at you for criticising her - just tell your uncle that there'd been a bit of a falling out and she's coming separately. That doesn't really throw out his arrangements does it? I mean it's not like it changes the number of cars he'd have to arrange or anything like that.

Your niece sounds like a little chancer - tell her to sort herself out and get a Saturday job if she's short of cash, and not to try to con you or your mum out of it.

[pingping]

Sorry for you loss.

As for your family I would let them sort themselves out in regards to the funeral as Long as your doing the right thing thats all that matters.

Your Mum is very out of order saying that about your Grandad. Hmmm

as for your niece refuse to pay for things on your card for her. Inform your mother whats going on.