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AIBU?

to want to have this child

20 replies

decisionmaker · 03/11/2008 07:37

DP and I have been together 10 years and have DS (6). We split up briefly when I was pregant because DP did not want baby but we got back together and everything has been fine. I am now pregnant again (tipsy unprotected sex that DP participated in knowing we weren't using protection) and he is again saying he doesn't want the baby, it will ruin everything and if I decide to have the baby he will have to think about what he is going to do
I have tried talking to him but he just gets angry (with himself for getting in the situation) and I get upset. I really dont know what to do.......have baby and risk DP leaving or worse staying and resenting me and baby or not have baby and have everything go back to how it was.

Please be gentle - I really don't know what to do for the best

OP posts:

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2point4kids · 03/11/2008 07:41

I think the thing to consider is that whatever you do, things are not going to go back to how it was.
If you want the baby and you keep it, then its your DP's decision as to what he does.
But if you dont have the baby, there is no guarantee that you will not resent him forever and end up splitting anyway. Or even that he wont leave you regardless over a different issue.
You should focus on what YOU want to do and then deal with your DP afterwards, seeing as he is not being supportive at all. x

Cupofteaplease · 03/11/2008 07:53

What a rotten situation.
You say not having the baby will mean everything will go back to how it was- I feel very strongly that this isn't the case. I think you will resent him immensely if you terminate this pregnancy, and there are no guarantees that he will stick around anyway.
If you are prepared to have this baby and be a single parent of 2, go ahead with the pregnancy and see him sticking around as a 'bonus'. But if you terminate, you may end up being a single parent of 1...
I'm sorry you are in this postion, I wish you the best of luck.
As an aside issue, and this possibly won't be a popular view- I could never stay with a man who was causing me so much pain and angst, especially when he was equally responsible for the situation you have both found yourselves in. I think I would be happier as a single mum of 2...

Callisto · 03/11/2008 08:45

Your DP sounds very immature to me. You have to make the decision for yourself - if you terminate the pregnancy you will have to deal with the emotional fallout from that and I think 2point4 and Cups are correct about the resentment you will feel towards your partner. You might also want to think about the longer term ie how you will cope as a single mother etc.

A hideous situation, best of luck with it.

StewieGriffinsMom · 03/11/2008 08:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

pinkdelight · 03/11/2008 08:54

My heart goes out to you. Can't believe that he is putting you in this situation again, as if it is simply a matter of getting rid of the baby and then everything will be okay. Why does he feel it will ruin everything? For financial reasons? Or emotional ones? It sounds like enough of a replay of what happened before for you to risk calling his bluff and keeping the baby. He may get over this initial panic like last time and all may be fine. It may not, and like others said you must be prepared for that. But if you have managed 10 years with someone like this, I am sure you have the resilience to cope without him. Stay strong and do the right thing by you.

MrsMattie · 03/11/2008 08:55

What a twat. I know that's not helpful, but really! Did he have unprotected sex with you or not? What did he think would happen? Did he just assume you'd have an abortion? He sounds extremely immature and selfish

babbi · 03/11/2008 09:41

Sorry but he sounds very immature and selfish. If you want to have the child then do so, TBH you may regret not doing so.
I agree if you can put him with him then I am sure you are capable of dealing with anything !
Good luck and take care.
Congratulations on the baby !

NomDePlume · 03/11/2008 10:07

You poor thing

I really feel for you.

Your 'D'P's behaviour is something you'd expect from a bloke you've known casually for a few months, not a bloody 10 year long serious relationship !

I wholeheartedly agree with 2point4, you have to do what is right for you. He is an adult and can therefore make his own decision as to whether he stays or goes if you decide not to terminate the pregnancy, it is unfair of him to seemingly laythe blame and the responsibility at your door. If your DP persists with the emotional blackmail then I'd be the one seriously considering what she was going to do, never mind him (on your behalf).

Do what is right for you.

VinegarTits · 03/11/2008 10:16

Oh you poor thing, your dp is being very selfish and immature, you really need to decide what is best for you and your baby now, do you have friends/family who you can turn to for support? i think COTP is right, no matter what you decide now, things are not going to go back to 'normal' between you, so you have to concentrate of what you want and what the future holds for you, and possibly start planning for a future without him

Saturn74 · 03/11/2008 10:19

Decisionmaker, what a horrible situation for this man to put you in.

I think he is on very dangerous ground, as he has shown himself to be selfish and immature, and is essentially forcing you to choose between him and your pregnancy.

Don't be pushed into any decision, one way or the other.

If you decide to have the baby "he will have to think about what he is going to do"?

Whatever you decide, he will have to grow up, support you emotionally, and stop acting like a spoilt brat.

Whatever decision you make, don't let him make you feel like you have done anything wrong, and take care of yourself.

ErnestTheBavarian · 03/11/2008 10:29

Imagine you choose him, terminate the pregnancy. You're having a hard time dealing with the emotional ramifications, esp around your due date. It isn't how it was before. He gets fed up and leaves you. Then yu're left single parent of 1, grieving for your baby that you had wanted, and dumped by your "d" p.

I really feel for you, but you've already said you want the child, so I personally would have it. I couldn't get rid of it in favour of a man who can't promise/be trusted to stick around.

xxx

J2O · 03/11/2008 10:43

I was in a similar situation, we where actually ttc. He then changed his mind, and told me he wanted me, but not the baby. I told him i was no longer pregnant..he left me a week later anyway and has never seen lo now 1 year old.

I really feel for you but i don't have the answer, it seems that it is history repeating itself after your 6 year old, could it be that he just gets frightened for the first few months? how is he with DS?

I'd be inclined to tell him you've made the decision to keep the baby no matter what (I assume you do actually want to keep it?) and say the ball is in his court, however, if he does decide to stay, he has to be 100% behind you, he can't make you feel so shit throughout the whole pregnancy, you will just be miserable.

dingdong05 · 03/11/2008 11:13

J2O has a point, put the ball back in his court by telling him you have made a decision and now he has to make his. This whole "he'll have to see what he's going to do" is passive aggressive and deserves a slap and stint in the naughty corner for being so frigging childish.

In the end you have to do what's right for you, and that includes dealing with the future with a new baby in it or having experienced a termination. Does he think an abortion is a simple case of waving a magic wand with no emotional side effects?

Best of luck to you xxx

CatMandu · 03/11/2008 11:17

This happened to a good friend of mine, they had a couple of sessions of therapy to help them decide together what to do. It helped them a lot.

decisionmaker · 03/11/2008 11:30

Thank you for all your replies. He is brilliant with DS and admits he wouldn't change him for the world. It took about 3 years for our relationship to recover after DS was born - something I worked very hard on because I love DP.
I guess he thinks our easy comfortable life with 1 older child, 2 incomes, holidays etc might be what is ruined but as I run business from home it will be relatively easy to take a bit of maternity leave then return to working. He has text me today asking how I am feeling and saying WE need to make a decision but I know what his feelings are so nothing has changed there.
I know deep down that I want to have the baby so I will have to go with that and see what happens.
Either way the fall out is huge and scary

OP posts:

SamJones · 03/11/2008 11:49

I have been in a similar situation.

I had the baby - there was no way I could go through with a termination, and have had no regrets about doing so.

H is now history - and tbh I have no regrets about that either. H has a wonderful relationship with the ds that he didn't want, and I don't have to put up with the selfish immature pillock.

FWIW - personally I feel that having a termination against your better judgement would have ramifications far greater than anything your DH could throw at you.

At the end of the day it is YOUR body, and in the absence of anything resembling support from your DH, it is YOUR decision to make.
If you are ready to welcome another child into your life, then do so.

pingping · 03/11/2008 11:55

decisionmaker I am glad your sticking to what you want maybe your better off without your DP if he is so quick to walk out on you and your DS if you dont have an abortion I hope it all works out for you

BitOfFun · 03/11/2008 12:02

I think Catmandu has made a really good suggestion, why don't you call and book a couple of appointments with a qualified counsellor this week? It would cost maybe eighty quid, but probably worth it to thrash this thing out quickly. It will clarify your thoughts and help you understand where he is coming from too. Good luck x

decisionmaker · 03/11/2008 12:02

My biggest worry is for my DS - he loves his daddy and has a happy carefree little life. He has no idea that everything is potentially about to go bottom up. It feels like I am ruining his life.

OP posts:

Ronaldinhio · 03/11/2008 12:03

It seems as though there are two issues, your relationship with your dp and your pregnancy.

The difficult thing is that he isn't being clear about exactly what it is that he suggests you do.
It's all veiled threats and leaving all the decision making at your door.

This pressure is impossible and intolerable (I've had it before)

The only thing I can advise is be true to yourself and what you want to do.

If you DP won't discuss your situation then he will have to deal with your decision.

There is also the theory that nothing happens completely by mistake.....

Good luck and yanbu

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